kensuskinreport

FOUR DAYS IN ROCK 'N' ROLL CLEVELAND AND NOTABLE ONE HIT WONDERS

2011-10-20T19:20:00.000-07:00

Last month, we took a pilgrimage to Cleveland, Ohio, to visit the Rock 'n' Roll Hall of Fame. Although Cleveland has often been the butt of jokes, many of which were true, we enjoyed our 4 day stay at the Doubletree Hotel. The city has cleaned itself up, and we were impressed, especially with the restaurants in the trendy Warehouse District. Cleveland has become an international city, at least while we were there.

The Hungarian president, Pal Schmitt showed up outside our hotel to lay a wreath in front of the statue of Hungarian patriot Lajos Kossuth who visited Cleveland in 1852.Schmitt gave a speech to a group of Hungarian-American boy scouts and others. Although we don't understand much Hungarian, we hung around to watch him because the street was blocked off by Secret Service guys in incongruous suits while everyone else was dressed casually. Cleveland has a large and active Hungarian community.

The R & R Hall of Fame was an all day event for us with about 6 floors of exhibits, none of which are devoted to the Hungarian contributions to rock 'n' roll music. They don't let you take photos in most of them. One piece of information I took out of there was that John Lennon was a big fan of Buddy Holly's Crickets and was inspired to also name his group after an insect. The Beatles? So there you have it! John Lennon was also reportedly a closet Republican.

The exhibit that captured our attention most was the One Hit Wonders display. The computerized exhibit allowed you to scan the alphabet to find One Hit Wonders by group or artist and play the song. We spent over an hour going through the alphabet. While there are literally thousands of these to pick from, below I have featured some of those with interesting stories.

One Toke Over the Line, Brewer & Shipley (1971) According to Mike Brewer and Tom Shipley, the Kansas City based singer-songwriters, the song is about smoking marijuana. They wrote it supposedly while they were high. One toke over the line sweet Jesus, one toke over the line, sittin' downtown in a railroad station, one toke over the line... Radio stations played it because they weren't sure if it was a gospel song or a drug song. While Vice President Spiro Agnew railed against it as subversive to American youth, Lawrence Welk, who was conservative middle America promoted the song. The wholesome looking Gail Ferrell and Dick Dale (Gail & Dale) performed it on his show. They thought the words were "one toe over the line." The song is mentioned in Fear & Loathing in Las Vegas by gonzo writer Hunter S. Thompson. Apparently it was his favorite song.

Playground in my Mind, Clint Holmes (1973). This novelty song by Holmes with lyrics like "My name is Michael, I've got a nickel..." rose to Number 2 on Billboard. Holmes is now a very popular Las Vegas headliner. He was elected by a tourist magazine as "Best Singer in Las Vegas" two years in a row, as well as "Best All-Around Las Vegas Performer". We've enjoyed his show, and he always trots out that song because it is so incompatible with his image today. Holmes is a high energy performer although he had a broken leg the night we saw him. Holmes has a interesting background. Born in England, his father was an African American jazz musician and his mother an English opera singer. He learned to sing from his mother, and he learned how to have fun doing it from his father.

Susie Darlin', Robin Luke (1958). The 16 year old Mr. Luke was living in Hawaii when he wrote this song about his 5 year old sister Susie. Apparently he had many girlfriends, but to avoid the appearance of favoritism, that was his story and he was sticking to it. He made the rounds of the Dick Clark Show for awhile, meeting Buddy Holly and others, but his family insisted that he continue his education. Today, Dr. Luke is a college professor and the head of the Marketing Department at Southwest Missouri State University. Sister Susie Robison lives in Columbia, MO. and works for the state.

The Night the Lights Went Out in Georgia, Vicki Lawrence (1973). Don't confuse this song with Midnight Train to Georgia by Gladys Knight, Rainy Night in Georgia by Brook Benton, or Georgia on my Mind by Hoagy Carmichael or Ray Charles. My wife, Dianne is from Georgia, so I had to write about this one. After recording this song, Vicki Lawrence became better known for her comedy work on TV shows ranging from the Carol Burnett Show and Mama's Family to Love Boat, $100,000 Pyramid and even LaVerne & Shirley.

The song was written by Bobby Russell, Ms. Lawrence's first husband. It was offered to Cher, but was turned down by Sonny Bono. Ms. Lawrence became pro-Bono when her song soared to Number 1 on Billboard and sold over 2 million records. Last year, Ms. Lawrence stirred up some controversy among advocates for the homeless when she made a parody about Ted Williams, the homeless man who became famous for about 15minutes when he landed a job doing some voice-over work. He couldn't hit a baseball like his namesake, however, and the Ted Williams Expressway in Boston is not believed to be named after him.

Speaking about lights going out, the BeeGees who were NOT a One Hit Wonder had a song called Massachusetts with the recurring line "and the lights all went down in Massachusetts..." Songwriters take inspiration from everything including power failures.

In the Summertime, Mungo Jerry (1970). I picked this one because I liked the name of the artist. One would expect to find a comma between Mungo and Jerry. Actually there is nobody with that name. This English band was formed by Ray Dorset and is still performing today led by Dorset, although the others in the group are interchangeable. The name of the group comes from a T.S. Eliot poem. Outside of England, this group was a One Hit Wonder. Mungo Jerry had several other recordings that sold well in England though not in the U.S. They bring out this song every summer, and the recording has sold 30 million copies over the years, bringing in a nice annuity for Mr. Dorset. Another favorite Summer song was It's Summertime by the Jamies (1958).It's summertime, summertime, sum sum summertime, summertime, summertime sum sum summertime...etc. So much for original lyrics.

Teen Angel, Mark Dinning (1959). This was a teenage tragedy song like several others by One Hit Wonders, e.g. Endless Sleep by Jody Reynolds; Patches, by Dickie Lee; and Last Kiss by J. Frank Wilson. Teen Angel was written by Mark's sister Jean and brother-in-law Red Surrey. When the song was released, nobody was sure what to make of it, but it rocketed to Number 1 on the charts. Unfortunately, Mr. Dinning's life was a tragedy also. He had a severe alcohol problem and, after appearing at performances in an inebriated state, they stopped booking him. He died of a heart attack at age 52. Back in the 1970's, I met his nephew Howard Dinning, an incredibly talented artist who was performing at a local supper club near Chicago. Between sets, I went up to him and asked if he was related to Mark Dinning. "Yeah, that's my uncle," he said. He agreed to sing Teen Angel for us.

Hang on Sloopy, McCoys (1965). We know that every state has a state song, but did you know that Ohio has a state rock song? Well, this is it. The Ohio State University Marching Band plays it before the fourth quarter of every football game. The song is also played at every Cleveland Indians baseball game. The Ohio Legislature passed a resolution in 1986 in response to the State of Washington making Louie, Louie by the Kingsmen their official state rock song.

Hang on Sloopy (not Snoopy), originally recorded as My Girl Sloopy, was written by Wes Farrell (once married to Tina Sinatra) and Bert Russell. For whatever reason, they wanted to honor jazz singer Dorothy Sloop (1913-1998), from Steubenville, Ohio (also Dean Martin's hometown) who called herself Sloopy on stage. Incidentally, Russell also co-wrote Twist and Shout, a big hit for the Isley Bros. and also the Beatles. Hang on Sloopy has much longer staying power than the group that performed it.

The McCoys was originally Rick & the Raiders, from Union City, Indiana, but to avoid confusion with Paul Revere & the Raiders, they had to change the name. Sixteen year old Rick Derringer and his combo were recruited by the producers of the song to sing it on an already completed backing track by the Strangeloves (I Want Candy) who were still riding that hit and didn't want to release a new record so soon. They needed to get the record released quickly to beat out the Dave Clark Five who were also planning to record the song. They succeeded.

I Want Candy, The Strangeloves (1965). Their story IS strange, if not outrageous. The group was composed of Bob Feldman, Jerry Goldstein and Richard Gotteher who proved to be brilliant marketers (see Hang on Sloopy above). They claimed to be shepherds from Australia named Giles, Miles and Niles Strange, and their story was they made a fortune crossbreeding sheep. Not many bought that story (their New York accents may have given them away), but they were successful anyway. They recruited and created the McCoys (see above), naming them after a Ventures song. They also produced My Boyfriend's Back, a big hit by the Angels.

San Francisco (Be Sure to Wear Flowers in Your Hair), Scott McKenzie (1967). This song was written by John Phillips to promote the 1967 Monterey Pop Festival. It became the anthem of the hippie generation and has been featured in several movies including Forrest Gump. McKenzie's real name was Philip Blondheim, but nobody could remember his name. In show biz, name recognition is key, so he brainstormed after a gig with several friends to come up with a new name. Somebody said he looked like a Scottie dog, and he got his first name. McKenzie was the middle name of John Phillips' daughter Laura, now known as actress MacKenzie Phillips. I didn't make this up, it's on Scott McKenzie's website.

Dianne and I met Scott McKenzie in 1986 on an elevator in Dallas. As he stepped on, I greeted him by name, and he was quite surprised that anybody would recognize him. He was gracious, and we talked a little bit.

While living in Virginia around 1960, he became friends with and sang with Phillips who later formed the Mamas and Papas with his wife Michelle, Denny Doherty and Cass Elliott. After Elliott died, the group broke up, but in 1986, McKenzie joined a reconstituted version of the group and was their musical arranger when I met him and saw his performance. Among other accomplishments, McKenzie co-wrote the Beach Boys' song Kokomo with Phillips. He retired in 1998 and lives in Los Angeles.

Sugar, Sugar, Archies (1969). This recording was the Number One song for the whole year, and there is no artist that claims responsibility for performing it. The Archies are cartoon characters--Archie, Jughead, Betty and Veronica, etc. The song was written by Jeff Berry and Andy Kim and performed by studio musicians managed by Don Kirshner. Berry offered the song to the Monkees who turned it down. Sometimes the best deals are the ones you don't make.

To paraphrase Barbara Walters, the most fascinating character in that group is Forsythe Van Jones II whom we know as Archie's loyal friend Jughead. (Nobody would name their kid Jughead, would they?) His shtick is his laziness, winning eating contests and avoiding female companionship, not because he doesn't like them, but because he likes eating better. He wears a beanie shaped crown on his head and has a big "S" on his sweatshirt. He plays the drums in the Archies band. He does have a sometime girl friend, Big Ethel, a large gangly but friendly girl whom he usually tries to avoid.

How Do You Do, Mouth & MacNeal (1972). This was a short lived pop duo from the Netherlands. "Mouth" was Willem Duyn (1937-2004), a large man with a full beard, loud clothing and a loud mouth. He also plays the violin in the song. His partner, Maggie MacNeal, by contrast is a sweet looking blond girl, 13 years younger. Together they had good chemistry. Maggie's real name is Skoukje Van't Spijker, and in recent years she performed in Europe as Skoukje Smit. This song rose to the top of the U.S. charts in 1972. I highly recommend one of several YouTube videos of the duo because they mingle with the audience and really enjoy performing the song. They performed together for only a year or two and had some success in Europe, but How Do You Do was their only U.S. hit.

You can find all the above songs on YouTube. Enjoy!

KENNETH SUSKIN

CROSSING THE ATLANTIC--NEWFOUNDLAND, ST. PIERRE & MIQUELON

2011-10-06T20:02:00.000-07:00

We spent two days at sea because it is a long way from Greenland across the Labrador Strait and the Davis Strait to Newfoundland. Cruise ships have many activities (see Party, Polar Bear, in my last installment), and we got to do two activities in which we have never before participated.

The first was the Marriage Game Show (think Newlywed Game) in which three lucky couples are obliged to share their intimate secrets before a live audience. The cruise director cleverly induced us to appear by talking to Dianne and me separately, convincing each of us that the other agreed to participate. How well do I know my spouse? Not as well as the other two couples knew theirs. We had two lawyers in the group, but fortunately no divorce lawyers. we were asked mildly embarrassing questions like "which part of your spouse's body would you like to change?", and "the most unusual place you've made love?"

The other activity was karaoke. Now I've never done karaoke before in my whole life. In school, I sang in Mixed Chorus, and the teacher suggested that I drop the class. Needless to say, I don't sing very well, though perhaps I can do hard rock, or whatever passes for popular music nowadays. The young lady running the karaoke, the lovely Australian dancer, Felicity conned me into performing I'm a Believer, the Monkees' song written by Neil Diamond. I did a somewhat respectable Neil Diamond imitation in duet with her while her proud parents whom we had befriended cheered us on. Their sage advice to me was "Don't quit your day job!"

ST.JOHNS, NEWFOUNDLAND

The unusual thing about Newfoundland, other than the jokes mainland Canadians make about the locals is that it has its own time zone, 30 minutes ahead of Atlantic Time, or 1 1/2 hours ahead of Eastern Standard time. So when you re-set your watch, you are a half hour off. Newfoundland used to be an independent country in the British Commonwealth until 1949 when it agreed to become a province of Canada. The Newfies had one non-negotiable condition to becoming a part of Canada--they must be allowed to hunt the common murre (a/k/a turre) for food all year around. These large seabirds, called guillemot in Europe, can't fly very well, but they swim very well, even underwater, catching fish. In their nesting grounds, they are relatively easy to catch. Since the rest of Canada didn't know what they were, they readily agreed.

We docked in St. Johns, the capital of Newfoundland on their municipal holiday, August 3rd, their annual Regatta. It has been held the first Wednesday of August since the 1820's. In this city of 100,000, about one-third of the people attend this extravaganza. Most stores and banks in town were closed. The Regatta consisted of a series of rowing races in long narrow sculls pitting 5 teams of 3 rowers plus a navigator. Presumably the spectators bet on the outcomes or what would be the point?

The event is like a large county fair with carnival rides and food stands run by local restaurants. It reminded us of Taste of Chicago or Milwaukee Fest. We walked the mile or so to the event and returned on the city bus. We got off by the Yellow Belly Brewery built in 1725.

The bus ride was memorable for one reason--we almost ran over actor Russell Crowe. Crowe was filming a TV series with local actors around town. We encountered the film makers at a red light. The bus driver told us to look for Mr. Crowe. I don't know what he looks like, but Dianne does, and sure enough, he was standing in front of the bus. She pointed him out to me, and I admit he looked familiar, but I wouldn't have picked him out of a crowd.

Other than visiting the Regatta, we did the usual tourist spots in St. Johns, a city totally unfamiliar to most Americans. The Easternmost point in North America (if you don't count Greenland) is Cape Spear which is known for its two lighthouses, the old one and the new one. We are intrigued by lighthouses, and we visit and photograph them all over the world. The lighthouse keeper is a member of the Cantwell family. The original Cantwell saved someone's life and, in gratitude, was granted a wish. The guy actually wanted the lighthouse keeper job, and 7 successive generations have continued the tradition. Standing on the rocky shore, we spotted whales spouting offshore. The famed Grand Banks, renowned for their fishing, are close by.

We went up to Signal Hill where they built a stone fortress Gothic Revival building in 1897 to commemorate John Cabot's discovery of Canada in 1497 while sailing under the British flag. Cabot's real name was Giovanni Caboto, but his descendants quickly became British. The Cabot Tower was considered a white elephant when it was constructed. St. Johns had burned to the ground in a huge fire in 1892, and the Newfoundland banking system had crashed in 1894. Local sentiment compared it to "putting a silk hat on a man who can't afford to buy a pair of boots."

The hill was enshrouded in fog, so we couldn't enjoy the view although we learned a lot at the museum. For centuries, the British had used this site for signaling ships with maritime flags. This national historic site achieved new significance when another Italian guy, Guillermo Marconi, in 1901 demonstrated his new invention by receiving the first wireless radio signals from Europe.

ST. PIERRE & MIQUELON

This stop was almost an afterthought on our trans-Atlantic cruise, but it's interesting for a couple of reasons. First of all, St. Pierre & Miquelon (pronounced MICK-a-lon), little known except to philatelists, is the last French possession in North America--Quebec doesn't count. These anachronistic islands, 10 miles off the coast of Newfoundland are considered part of France. They are totally immersed in French culture. They fly the French flag, and the people speak French. France goes to huge expense to maintain this token presence in the New World. They built a large international airport, but hardly anyone flies there. To fly to France, you have to first fly to Canada. Of the 6000 inhabitants, about 75% work for the French government. Their currency is the Euro, and many places won't accept American or Canadian money, although credit cards seem to work. Other than government, their main industry is fishing.

We took an hour tour of the country and enjoyed the brightly painted houses and stores. For lunch, we went to a French restaurant for escargots with our Aussie and New York friends. They don't put mayonnaise on everything like the Brits do.

The islands have one other claim to fame. Although it is not mentioned in the guide book, the most significant event in their 500 year history occurred when Al Capone came to town to set up his bootlegging operation, and all they have to show for it is his hat. Back in the 1920's, Capone established his headquarters at the Hotel Robert which we visited. With 43 rooms, it's not exactly the Ritz. When Capone left town, the hotel manager asked him for a memento. He gave them his straw hat, which is today locked up on display in a glass case. Al Capone is like George Washington--hotels all over creation like to boast that he slept there. We weren't impressed because Capone DID sleep everywhere we go, back home in Chicago. In any event, when Prohibition ended, these islands sank into depression for decades.

We caught the 5 o'clock Ocean Princess headed for New York and back to warm weather and the real world.

KENNETH SUSKIN

CROSSING THE ATLANTIC--GREENLAND: HAVE YOU DRIVEN A FJORD LATELY?

2011-09-29T19:20:00.000-07:00

Green is the "in" color this year, so where else would we go but to Greenland. Greenland, the world's largest island, is about as desolate and isolated as any place can be, but the coast IS green, at least in July. Back in 1946the U.S. offered to buy Greenland for $100 million from Denmark, but the Danes refused to sell. Maybe they thought the best deal is the one you didn't make, but if there was some hidden value, it hasn't been discovered yet. About 85% of the island is a huge glacier, 2 miles thick in some places, draining down into thousands of fjords along the coastline. If all the ice melted, sea levels throughout the world would rise 20 feet, flooding New York and other coastal cities. Fortunately, not much was melting when we visited. According to the locals, the Summer of 2011 has been the coldest in many years.

Geologically, Greenland is part of North America, but politically, it is part of Europe. On this July 30th, we eagerly anticipated cruising through Prinz Christian Sund and watching the great glacier calve off icebergs, but the ship had to cancel this portion of the cruise. It was packed with ice, and the Captain didn't want another Titanic on his watch. Global warming hasn't hit this part of Greenland yet. One passenger remarked that he had taken the cruise 3 times and hasn't been through the Sound yet.

We cruised just outside the ice fields dodging icebergs the size of our ship. Seabirds rested on the ice floes. Spouting whales crossed our path. A Holland-America liner going the other way passed on our starboard (right) side. It was a sunny day with frigid Arctic winds whistling across the deck. It was time for our polar bear party in the ship's pool.

I put on my bathing suit and jumped into the pool with about 30 other hardy souls, which included the ship's entertainers and showgirls. Obviously that made the prospect of freezing to death more tolerable to me. The crew hurled large blocks of ice into the water with us. We were required to stay in the water for 5 minutes. The water was warmer than the air outside, but not much warmer. I had eaten lunch less than 35 minutes before, so my mother would have never allowed me to do this. After the allotted time, I climbed out into the Arctic blasts, and Dianne threw a large towel around me. For a photo session with each swimmer, two crew members dressed as brown(!) polar bears--they didn't have any white costumes. But I earned that coveted certificate for the polar bear club.

The following day we docked outside Q-Town, Qaqortoq, Greenland, which was formerly known as Julianehaab (after the dowager queen of Frederik V of Norway). Qaqortoq is an Inuit word meaning "the white place" which aptly describes it for most of the year. The name actually comes from the white granite found in the area. When Greenland became independent, they changed many place names to reflect the Inuit heritage of most of the people. The whole country has only 55,000 people on an island the size of South America (if you look at a flat world map). Greenland is actually much smaller on a globe, but it's still bigger than Alaska and Texas combined.

We didn't expect much in Qaqortoq, a town of 3,600, the fourth largest city in Greenland. The ship had no excursions available. Brightly colored red, blue and yellow houses were placed in a semi-circle around the harbor like an amphitheater. Most of the few cars in town were taxis. They can't drive very far because there is less than 100 miles of roads in the whole country, and most of that is a few hundred miles North at the capital city, Nuuk. Our ship was too big to dock, so we tendered in to port, about 3/4 of a mile from the ship.

We walked around a little and then went into the visitors' center where they had a few boat tours available. We signed up for a ride on a 30 foot boat with a capacity of 10 passengers. Our cruise director had warned us not to take any local boat tours because they were deemed unsafe and unreliable. But, hey, it was the only game in town! Three of the passengers with us were Greenlandic Danes who spoke good English and told us about life in Greenland.

The captain and assistant were Inuit (Eskimos), and they were dressed in shorts and t-shirts for the Arctic Summer. As the tourists bundled up with hoods and gloves, the crew thought it was warm because the temperature was above freezing, though not much above. Since the boat was small, we could sail close to the icebergs, most of which were larger than the boat. You can break off pure 1000 year old ice to mix in your drink.

We sailed up the fjord for almost an hour amidst the ice floes. Our destination was the ruins of Hvalsey ("whale island"), the Viking settlement which was disbanded in the 1400's because of climate change. It got too cold to farm, and they didn't learn anything from the Eskimo culture which might have helped them to survive. When the Vikings weren't out raping and pillaging, they were setting up small farms and churches. Farming in Greenland was difficult because of the short growing season and poor soil, so even in relatively mild years, their operations were marginal. They harvested hay for the livestock to eat during the long winters.

We landed at Hvalsey which we thought was uninhabited, but we soon encountered sheep roaming through the area. Clumps of their wool got caught in the brambles in many places, and Dianne scooped up handfuls to take home. The few farmers left in Greenland mainly raise sheep for a marginal existence, but they also raise reindeer and a few chickens and horses.

Even with a longer growing season, growing crops would be difficult because of the huge boulders strewn around the countryside, deposited by the glaciers. The Vikings gathered many of them up and built a sturdy church and a few houses with rock and stone walls. The stone houses were covered with roofs made of turf which are now long gone. There are no trees, but many shrubs and much plant life. The meadow was rich with colorful wildflowers. We picked our way through and over the rocks to the top of the hill overlooking the ruins and the rocky beach. The pier where we docked the boat is about 10 feet high, and you have to climb a ladder to go ashore. The reason is that the tides are extremely high.

Our boat drove several more miles through the fjord to visit the Upernaviarsuk Agricultural Station, with an ag school, experimental farm and greenhouse. In this protected area, they grow flowers, vegetables and trees, hoping to establish some farming and allowing the people to be self-sufficient, at least for some commodities. Although they grow bananas in Iceland, Greenland is another story.

As we sped back to port on the boat, we almost crashed into another boat which crossed in front of us. The two Inuit boat captains were shouting obscenities at each other in Greenlandic with the appropriate hand gestures. I don't normally understand Greenlandic, but I understood them very well. These guys are cowboys behind the wheel.

We wandered around Qaqortoq for awhile, visiting Brugseni, the supermarket chain which is the Greenland version of WalMart. We found it to be remarkably well stocked with many American consumer goods as well as local favorites like seal blubber and whale meat which are said to prevent cardiovascular disease. Although Greenland exports mostly fish, the Inuit eat relatively little fish, but prefer the above, as well as potatoes and canned vegetables. Many drink Cult Cola, the "World's Strongest Cola" promoted in the Brugseni flyer. Greenland also brews "ice cap" beer which is brewed with the extra pure water from icebergs--Craft Brewed Greenland Beer. They export much of it to Denmark.

NEXT: Newfoundland and St. Pierre & Miquelon

CROSSING THE ATLANTIC--ICELAND, LAND OF FIRE AND ICE

2011-09-25T11:28:00.000-07:00

EASTERN ICELAND

We began our journey of this small volcanic island nation on the East coast at the small port of Seydisfjordur, a town of 800 with a deep harbor for large ships. It is surrounded by snow capped mountains and waterfalls. The Americans occupied this town during World War II and had troops and the U.S. Navy stationed here. It is located in a valley formed by the largest glacier in Europe, and backs up to a mountain.

We took a 2 hour bus ride North across 2 mountain ranges to Hafnarholmi (Borganfjordur Eystri--I think that means "Eastern") which is home to a large puffin rookery. If you're not an ornithologist, you can skip this part. Puffins are cute little seabirds with hooked nosed beaks resembling parrots. We were huffin' and puffin' to the top to see the thousands of puffins nesting on the rocky cliffs, along with kittywakes and skuas.

We enjoyed our communion with nature and went to lunch in the small fishing village of Bakkagerdi. We visited an inn where young blonde waitresses served us a typical Icelandic meal of fresh cod which had been caught that very morning. People in Iceland eat fish almost every day. What about Friday? Well there's a lot of sheep here also. The tap water is pure glacial water. We had a large bowl of steamy onion soup. The food was not gourmet, but hearty and tasty.

After lunch we hit the high spots in Bakkagerdi. One was a 1000 year old church called Bakkagerdiskirkja with spartan wooden pews. It seats about 50, but then this is a small village. Down the street is a museum devoted to a famous local artist named Johannes S. Kjarval, a contemporary of Picasso. If you're Icelandic, you've heard of him. The exhibits are all written in Icelandic, which I not only don't speak well, but even if I did, I couldn't spell any of the words. Spelling bees in Iceland can be brutal.

We were blessed with sunny weather, unusual in these parts where it rains almost every day. Today, July 26th, was the hottest day of the year--20 degrees Celsius (about 68F). In fact it proved to be the warmest day of our entire 3 week trip until we arrived in New York. The locals told us that this year was the coldest summer in years. These people WANT global warming. They suffered through a major snowstorm on May 26th.

Our tour guide entertained us with stories of local lore--trolls and fairies. The Icelandic imagination was inspired by the craggy mountain peaks and cliffs overlooking the sea. My knowledge of fairies is confined to the Staten Island one. But over the past 1200 years or so, these folks have been pretty much isolated without radio, TV or the Internet, especially during the long Winter nights. The Icelanders are a hard working and creative people. They have a talent for creating stories of trolls and fairies lurking behind the strange rock formations.

The highway we traveled is comparable to California Highway 1 along the Big Sur. Our tour bus was cruising along the side of a cliff 1000 feet above the sea with no guardrail. This area is 50 miles South of the Arctic Circle, so it never gets dark in the Summer. At midnight, it is dusk, but it is still light enough to read a newspaper. In the Winter, that's another story.

Iceland is volcanic, but this part of the country is geologically the oldest. The volcanoes here are extinct. The geysers and hot springs are mostly in the Western part of the island. There are almost no trees. Trees will grow here if they are imported. We saw tree farms making the effort to reforest the island.

Although we were never told this by our guide, Iceland actually was forested when the early Norse settlers came in the 800's. In creating farms, they inadvertently destroyed the fragile environment by cutting down the forests, causing the volcanic soil to run off. At that point, crop yields went down significantly, but the farmers compensated by raising cattle, sheep and goats. The grazing animals ate the seedlings. The growing season is short, and trees could never get re-established.

We were surprised to learn that golf is extremely popular in Iceland. We passed by a golf course and saw no trees. No sand either. I could be a scratch golfer here.

I visited the local "super market" in Bakkagerdi and was disappointed to find it less well stocked than a normal 7-Eleven. In the cooler, you can buy an ice cream bar for 6 euros, (about $8.50). The same one costs about $1.50 in the U.S. Consumer goods are very expensive in Iceland.

The following day we cruised the sunny Arctic Ocean around the North coast of Iceland. As we crossed the Arctic Circle, we could see the North Pole from our balcony. Actually, the Arctic Circle is 3/4 of the way from the Equator to the North Pole, so the N.P. is still about 3000 miles to the North. In any event, one would expect to see signs or billboards welcoming us to the Arctic or at least a rope across the ocean with floaters on it, but no-o-o. We did receive a certificate from the ship confirming that we crossed the Arctic Circle.

WESTERN ICELAND

The capital city of Reykjavik lies on the Southwest coast of Iceland. The name Reykjavik comes from the Old Norse language and means "smoky cove or harbor". Almost half the population of the country lives in Reykjavik and its suburbs--about 150,000 people. Geologically, this is the most active part of the country. This is truly the land of fire and ice. Active volcanoes, geysers and hot springs are common. Driving through the countryside, we saw steam pouring out of the ground. We also saw lava and huge rocks strewn around from volcanic eruptions. The land is fertile and green, and many horses were grazing on the rich grass.

Iceland gets most of its electrical power from geothermal sources by drilling into the ground. Tourism is a major industry, as tourists come to swim and bathe in the geothermally heated mineral spas which are all over the place. The volcanic mud is thought to have theraputic qualities to cure skin ailments, and they bottle this stuff and sell it for big bucks. Some of our friends spent the day basking in the waters of the famous Blue Lagoon which has been featured in commercials in the U.S.

This section of Iceland is the really interesting part. At Thingvellir National Park, we walked through the fissure, or rift valley, which separates the North American Plate from the Eurasian Plate. Essentially, we have a giant crack in the Earth's surface which stretches for thousands of miles in the Atlantic Ocean and ends up in the middle of Iceland. Along that crack, we have volcanoes, earthquakes, geysers and everything else.

The fissure has a historical significance. The settlers in Iceland established one of the first legislatures in human history before Y1K. Iceland's Althingi (the "th" sound is a letter unique in the Icelandic language that looks like a cross between a "b" and a "p") is considered the world's oldest living parliament. It was founded in the year 930 when several chieftains felt a need for a general assembly, partly to limit the power of the founding Arnarson family, the most powerful tribe.

The deal was that the Vikings from Norway, led by Ingolfur Arnarson, first settled the island in 874, and within 60 years, the colony had 20,000 people. Their parliament developed as an assembly of 38 tribes, each of whom chose their own chieftain to represent them. They met from time to time, mostly for 2 weeks each Summer, outside at the fissure, standing on the Logberg ("law rock") platform to discuss common concerns, elect leadership and make policy--the same as any modern assembly. They passed laws and set up a judicial system. Fortunately for them at the time, defense was not a problem because Iceland had been essentially uninhabited except for a few Irish monks.

This system went great for about 300 years until the climate got colder, disease and starvation were prevalent, and civil war broke out. Norway and Denmark were called in to make peace, and Iceland became part of Denmark until 1944 when it became independent. Now, the Althingi meets in a nice building in Reykjavik.

Thingvellir National Park was Yellowstone Park before the latter was discovered. The Geysir geothermal area teems with hot springs and, of course, the famous Geysir which is more faithful than Old Faithful in that it erupts about every 5-10 minutes. There were no park rangers keeping us a safe distance away, and tourists crowd around waiting for it to erupt. People standing downwind get soaked with the hot water. I patiently waited about 20 feet upwind of the Geysir to snap a photo of the eruption. Eventually, a large bubble welled up in the hole and then all hell broke loose, and the fountain of water shot 200 feet into the sky.

We ate lunch down the street at the Hotel Geysir where we had a fine lunch of salmon and the Icelandic version of gefilte fish (fish balls). Its a little spicier than Jewish gefilte fish. The salty chicken and carrot soup was very good also. The Gull Beer was flowing freely. The hotel is quite small, but clean and neat. It appears to have been recently remodeled. We didn't see the rooms which are actually cabins separated from the main building, but the main attraction is the geothermal swimming pool and the hot tubs.

The rest of our Golden Circle tour took us to the spectacular Guilfoss Waterfall which is Iceland's Niagara. The Hvita River makes a sharp left turn and plunges into a 60 foot wide, 105 foot deep crevice which continues on for almost 2 miles. Until about the 1960's, the falls were privately owned, and the owners were attempting to get foreign investors to develop the falls to generate electricity. Fortunately for the rest of the world, they couldn't come up with the money and the area was sold to the Icelandic government which now protects it.

Cold winds, rain and sleet cut into our faces as we walked the trail to get a better view of the falls. We could have enjoyed the view all day except for the frigid, blustery July weather, and we couldn't wait to get back on the bus. OK, now we've seen it, let's get the heck outta here!

We got back to Reykjavik where it was a balmy 48 degrees. Although this has been a cool summer, the large ice fields in the interior of the country have been melting, not necessarily because of global warming. Frequent volcanic eruptions cover the ice with ash, causing it to melt.

NEXT: Onward to Greenland: Have You Driven a Fjord Lately?

FAROE ISLANDS--VISITING THE CLIFFS OF VESTMANNA, DROP OVER SOMETIME

2011-08-25T20:04:00.000-07:00

The Ocean Princess docked in Torshavn on the first sunny day we had seen since we arrived in Paris over a week ago. This is ironic because the climate is similar to that in Bergen--it rains 260 days a year. Because of the Gulf Stream, The Faroes have relatively mild winters and cool summers. Torshavn, which means "Thor's Harbor" is the capital of this self governing region of Denmark. The islands are literally in the middle of nowhere--North of Scotland, West of Norway, and Southeast of Iceland in the North Atlantic. They consist of 18 islands, some uninhabited, and only 50,000 people live in the whole country. The people are called Faroese, and they have their own language of the same name, derived from the Old Norse language of the Vikings.

Torshavn is a town of 13,000 with a harbor which can accommodate large ships. It is a pretty town on the side of a hill. The people live in colorfully painted houses with steeply sloped roofs. Many houses have grass roofs.

We drove an hour out of town to Vestmanna ("West Men") on the island of Streymoy. This area is known for its spectacular sheer cliffs, 2000 feet high, rising out of the water, which provide a home to millions of seabirds. Our small double-decked boat seated about 30 people. It was small enough to sail close to the rocky cliffs and through narrow channels and natural arches carved from the rocks by the ocean. Braving the cold winds, we sat outside on the top deck, and we were required to wear yellow hard hats to protect against the occasional falling rock. Kittiwakes, fulmars, guillemots and even puffins nested in the rock faces. Most looked like seagulls to the untrained eye. We could see the faces of the young birds peeking out of their nests.

Sheep roamed freely on the steep slopes, grazing on the grass. The farmers constructed fences to prevent wayward sheep from falling into the surf. Someone suggested that the sheep had Velcro on their hoofs, so they wouldn't roll off the steep grade. There were no trees, and it was explained to us that the sheep would eat the seedlings. Farming is minimal because of the short growing season. They do grow root vegetables like potatoes and carrots.

The other major industry is salmon farming. Salmon pens, large circles in the water, were scattered around the islands. About 90% of the Faroes' exports are fish, and 20%of these are farm raised.

In Torshavn, an elderly man confronted us on the street, handing (but not selling) us a photo of a cross that appeared in the sky on Ascension Day. He owned a small shop selling religious artifacts a few doors down, and we stopped in. In New York or Chicago, we would ignore the guy, but Dianne is much nicer to these people than I would be. We purchased a few postcards in his shop.

NEXT; Iceland and Crossing the Arctic Circle

CROSSING THE ATLANTIC PART TWO--OUR NORWEGIAN FRIENDS TAKE US SHOPPING AT THE TORGET

2011-08-21T19:18:00.000-07:00

We eagerly anticipated our visit to the Atlantic port of Bergen, Norway, a city of about 250,000. This scenic city is the gateway to the fjords of Norway and is located several hundred miles from the Norwegian capital, Oslo. Our Norwegian friends, Rune and Trudy Nielsen flew from Oslo to meet us there. We had met them 6 months ago on the same ship in China with Mike and Dorothy from New York. We had some concerns about their ability to travel across the country because a day earlier, a crazed killer blew up a government building and then went on a shooting spree.

Nevertheless, they met us and our New York friends at the pier. They came armed with tourist handbooks and maps. After a short walk from the pier, we visited the palace and fortress of King Haakon VII which was built in the 13th Century. The complex, called Bergenhus, was built of stone which resisted the fires that periodically ravaged the city over the centuries.

Norway had been part of Sweden until 1905 when a referendum granted Norway independence, and Haakon VII became the first king. How he became king is an interesting story which I'll explain in a moment. We posed at his statue. The Norwegian word for king is kong, so we weren't sure whether to refer to him as King or Kong, or both--King Kong anyone?

Haakon VII (1872-1957) was originally Prince Carl of Denmark. He married Princess Maud, daughter of England's King Edward VII. When Norway declared its independence, Haakon was elected king by the Norwegian people. The election was obviously political, as there were several candidates from European royalty. He was deemed the best for several reasons: (1) He was descended from a line of independent Norwegian kings hundreds of years ago; (2) He had a son--an heir to the throne; (3) His English wife, Maud, who was also his first cousin, would attract British support, advantageous to a new nation.

King Haakon was very popular, especially during World War II when Norway was invaded by the German Nazis. He refused to cooperate (collaborate?) with them and had to be evacuated to England where he led the Norwegian government in exile and was credited with keeping up the morale of the Norwegian people with his frequent broadcasts by short wave radio.

The city of Bergen (Bryggen) is a UNESCO World Heritage Site. Many of the buildings were constructed in the 1100's when it was a world class port. It is a picturesque city surrounded by mountains and fjords. It rains a lot, and this day was no exception. In fact, in 2006, the city endured rain on 85 consecutive days. Planning picnics and golf outings here is an iffy proposition.

The city was a significant port of the Hanseatic League which monopolized trade throughout Europe during the Middle Ages. Don't confuse it with the American League or the National League, but it was certainly formidable in its era. It was an economic alliance of trading cities and their merchant guilds created with the intention of dominating trade along the coast of Northern Europe. It originated in Lubeck, Germany in the 1100's and arranged commercial concessions and trade with the rulers of various cities and countries the merchants visited. The Hanseatic League had its own legal system and provided security and material aid for its members. Hansa is the German word for "guilds".

Bergen became one of the largest cities in Europe at that time because of European demand for the dried codfish provided by the Northern fishermen. It is still an important port, and we visited the famous Torget, the Fish Market, with kiosks peddling various kinds of fish and other types of seafood, including whale, shark meat, eels, as well as lobster and crab. The market also has kiosks selling moose and reindeer meat, furs and vegetables and flowers. Many of the vendors appeared to be of Middle Eastern or African origin.

Bergen is built on the edge of seven mountains, and we rode a funicular railway to the top of Floyen Mountain where we were treated to a beautiful view of the city and the harbor. The Floibanen Funicular takes you up about 1000 feet in 7 minutes in a glass car seating about 100 people. At the top is a restaurant where you have to order cafeteria style. To an American, the prices are very high. Dianne and I split a ham and cheese sandwich and a coke which cost 95 kroner (about $19).

Later, at the harbor we stopped in a local pub for some locally brewed Hansa Beer. The cost for 3 beers and a bag of peanuts was about $40. They didn't jack up the price for tourists--our Norwegian friends were with us. I don't know how people can afford to live here, but maybe they save money when the shop at Torget. We said our goodbyes to the Nielsens and headed to the ship for our next port, Torshavn in the Faroe Islands.

NEXT: Faroe Islands: Visiting the Sheer Cliffs of Vestmanna, Drop Over Anytime.

CRUISING THE ATLANTIC PART ONE--BELGIUM

2011-08-16T17:56:00.000-07:00

The first day out of Dover, we sailed across the North Sea to Antwerp, Belgium, a distance of about 100 miles. We had no illusions about Belgium. In fact when we booked the trip, we didn't know we were going there. But it turned out to be a pleasant and informative experience.

We arrived on Belgian Independence Day, July 21st, and much of this major seaport city was closed. Belgium declared its independence in 1830 when it split off from the Netherlands under King Leopold I and, like England, became a constitutional monarchy with parliamentary democracy.

Since then, and even before, this small lowland country has been known mainly for being the battleground of Europe. It was invaded by Germany in both World Wars, but it was also the theater of several wars in the 1600's and 1700's between France, Spain and Austria.

The whole country is about the size of the State of Maryland. We toured the Flanders region where the people speak Dutch and Flemish. The other large region is French speaking Wallonia in the South. The Brussels Capital region is bi-lingual. The government has to reflect these major divisions which can be cumbersome.

BRUGES

We drove an hour or so to Bruges (rhymes with rouge), a famous medieval city known for its beautiful canals and churches. Our tour would be ending in New York, so we were depressed to see the highway exit for Hoboken. Oh no! we're back on the Garden State Parkway. Maybe we can at least tour Frank Sinatra's birthplace.
We continued on however, and as we drove through the suburbs of Bruges, we saw American style houses with one-car garages and neatly manicured front lawns.

On arriving in Bruges, a city of 117,000, our first stop for the tour was the public bathroom by the market which was closed for the holiday. The bathroom was closed too, but soon enough a middle aged lady arrived with a key. We all went inside, but on emerging, she wouldn't let us exit without paying the equivalent of about 50 cents. Many of the people on our tour had credit cards but no Euros, but this lady held her ground, with her male "enforcer" brandishing a big stick. I wasn't about to give her a 50 Euro note, but I found a $1 American bill which I gave her to ransom Dianne and me. She reluctantly accepted. I don't know what Belgian jails are like, but I didn't want to find out.

Bruges is a UNESCO World Heritage City with unique medieval architecture. In the 1400's, it was a major commercial center and one of the largest cities in Europe. It was a city that produced things, and many of the structures are still intact. We walked past the carpenter's guild, the mason's guild and the shoemaker's guild. As artisans and professionals do today, the people of that era organized associations to lobby and promote their interests.

We took a boat ride through the maze of canals which have made many describe Bruges as the "Venice of the North." Ducks and swans shared the canal with us. We saw a big hound dog lying on a second floor window with his head hanging down as he lazily observed us.

The skyline is dominated by spectacular medieval spires and churches like the Church of Our Lady with its 400 foot spire. The 13th Century 300 foot Belfry is famous for its 48-bell carillon. At the dead end of the canal stands a statue of Jan Van Eyck, the Flemish painter.

Bruges today has an economy based on tourism. The tourists purchase a lot of locally produced beer and chocolate. Belgium has over 120 breweries producing 400 types of beer. Popular brands include Brugse Zot, Vieux Bruges and Kwak. Bruges is considered the best city in the world for beer lovers by TravelTopLists.com, beating out other top ten world cities like Munich, Dublin, Prague, Amsterdam and Portland, OR.(!) Milwaukee was not on the list. Belgians also like their chocolate. Belgium is No. 2 in the world in per capita consumption of chocolate.

GHENT

After lunch, we drove another hour through the Belgian countryside. The small farms grow corn, wheat and grapes. We were told that people don't eat the corn, the cattle do. We entered the city of Ghent, the second largest city in Belgium with a population of 250,000. To Americans, Ghent is famous for the Treaty of Ghent which ended the War of 1812. It was signed in December, 1814, a month or so before the 1815 Battle of New Orleans. They didn't have CNN in those days, and the news of the Treaty had not reached America yet. So, in the words of the Johnny Horton song, the British kept a runnin', down the Mississippi to the Gulf of Mexico.

We arrived in time for the big Independence Day celebrations, with the black, yellow and red striped Belgian flags flying from every building. Just like in the U.S., bands were playing, and thousands of revelers milled about, patronizing the food and beer stands. The main square in front of St. Bavo's Cathedral was the site of the festivities. The Marriott Hotel is in a faux medieval building. Most of the stores were open, peddling Belgian lace, chocolate and souvenirs. One store had a hawker dressed as a medieval knight to bring people into the shop. He was kind enough to pose with me for a photo.

Walking back to our bus, we passed a prominent statue of a man named Lievin Bauwens whose claim to fame was that he stole the spinning jenny from England and started the Belgian lace and textile industry. The story is that the spinning jenny was invented in 1764 by the Englishman James Hargreaves who named it after his daughter Jenny who accidentally knocked over the family spinning wheel. He noticed that it kept spinning. Opportunity knocked here, and Hargreaves got the idea to run a whole series of spindles off one wheel. The Industrial Revolution was in its glory in England at that time.

Keeping a good idea secret is difficult in any era. The young Bauwens was an industrial spy, sent to England to live and observe the Industrial Revolution. He smuggled the device into Belgium where he set up a textile operation in Ghent. He did his job so well that the good people of Ghent elected him mayor.

Our group walked about a half a mile back to the bus, and we only lost one of our group. Strangely, his wife didn't seem too upset. We waited around while they searched for him. As you can imagine, they don't like to lose tourists. Finally, the bus had to leave to make it back to the ship in Antwerp in time for the sailing. While driving back, the ship called the guide to inform us that the guy somehow made it back on his own. We never found out how he did it.

Our ship sailed North from Belgium across the stormy North Sea toward Bergen, Norway, a distance of more than 600 miles, bypassing all of England and Scotland. The top speed is about 24 knots, and the ship was going lickety split through the rough seas, kicking up spray splashing up on the 10th deck windows. Many passengers were seasick, and none of them were first timers on cruise ships. The dining room was half empty for dinner.

For the safety of the performers, they had to cancel the song and dance show for the evening. However, we were treated to a terrific performance by the lovely Kaitlyn Carr, a Scottish singer and performer who sang Scottish and Irish songs and also played a mean flute and piccolo. She sang and played Danny Boy, bringing tears to the eyes of the audience.

NEXT; Bergen, Norway: Our Norwegian friends take us shopping at the Torget.

TOURING PARIS--WHICH WAY TO THE PARIS HILTON?

2011-08-12T11:06:00.000-07:00

We decided to take this trip, only a few months after our 3 week trip through Southeast Asia, because an opportunity presented itself. Princess Cruise Lines came up with a unique itinerary, sailing on the Ocean Princess, the same ship we took in Asia. Dianne agreed to go if we could also indulge her longtime dream to tour Paris. Apparently she wasn't impressed when I took her to Paris, Illinois last summer. The county seat of Edgar County doesn't have the same pizazz.

We flew American Airlines out of Chicago. Our travel agent got us seats in an exit row which has more legroom than a normal coach seat. On our previous overseas trips, we flew either first class or business class, using frequent flyer miles. But the 7 1/2 hour flight was tolerable. The food wasn't as good as first class. We were served tortellini with lettuce and tomato salad.

Arriving in Paris the next morning, we found Shawn, our driver, in Charles DeGaulle Airport, holding up a sign with my name on it. It was a 30 minute drive on a modern expressway to the Hilton Hotel on Rue de Courcelles. In case you wondered , there is no Paris Hilton hotel, probably for good reason. (we checked.) Our hotel, the most centrally located Hilton in Paris is called Hilton Arc d' Triomphe because of its proximity to the famous monument to French military glory (!). We arrived at the hotel around 10:30 A.M., but couldn't check in until 2 o'clock.

We decided to take a walk around town. Paris is the City of Light, and we searched for some Bud Light or Miller Light, but didn't find any. I don't speak a lot of French, but I do know the word for seal (un phoque--you don't want me to pronounce it for you). It was a 3 block walk to the Arc d' Triomphe which was built by Napoleon in 1806 after he led France to triumph in the Battle of Austerlitz. Never mind that several years later, Napoleon and France met their Waterloo, but the arch had already been built, and they weren't about to take it down. Actually, it wasn't completed until 1833.

The French are lovers, not fighters. Their great military victories were hundreds of years ago. Charlemagne started it all about 1200 years ago when he kicked some serious butt around Europe before Y1K. France also won the Thirty Years' War which ended in 1648. Since then we've had the Franco-Prussian War of 1871 and World Wars I and II--well, they wound up on the winning side. And who can forget Dien Bien Phu? Agincourt, back in 1415? They did win the French Revolution, but then they were fighting the French. As a Chicagoan, I can understand. Back home we have the Chicago Cubs. In any event, there are military monuments all over Paris.

The Arc d' Triomphe is quite an impressive structure, 164 feet high and 148 feet wide. The arch is wide enough to fly a small airplane through it, and somebody actually did in 1919. Charles Godefroy flew a small bi-plane through the arch a couple of weeks after another pilot was killed while training for it. Twelve streets radiate out from it in all directions, the most famous of which is the Champs Elysees (Elysian Fields), the fashionable business street. Amid the many sidewalk cafes one finds Louis Vuitton, Hugo Boss and other well known retailers. The most popular store on the street is McDonald's which is doing a land office business.

EIFFEL TOWER

We were looking for but still hadn't see the Eiffel Tower. We consulted the map and located it about a mile away. We turned right, down George V (Fifth) Street toward the Seine River which divides the city roughly in half. Arriving at the river, the majestic Eiffel Tower loomed into view, and we stood on the bridge taking pictures.

We crossed the river down to the Left Bank and walked toward the Eiffel Tower past several art museums. One featured African and South American art, but we didn't need to come to France to see that. We approached the tower and didn't realize how big it is. We've seen the one in Las Vegas many times, but that one is a half size replica. The Eiffel Tower, about 1000 feet high, was the tallest building in the world when it was built in 1889--it surpassed the Great Pyramid of Giza and also the Washington Monument.

When it was built, many contemporaries considered it an eyesore. For example the novelist Guy de Maupassant ate lunch there every day because, as he put it, "It was the only place in Paris where he couldn't see it." It was built for the World's Fair of 1889 to commemorate the 100th anniversary of the French Revolution. The architect, Gustave Eiffel, who had also built the Statue of Liberty in 1885, intended it to be temporary, and it was slated to be dismantled in 20 years. By 1909 it had become important in the communications industry and they left it there. Periodically, the French considered dismantling it for scrap metal because it is costly to maintain--the 9400 tons of wrought iron must be painted every seven years to protect it from rust.

African street vendors hawked small replicas of the Eiffel Tower and we saw them often scooping up their wares in blankets and leaving the area when the gendarmes approached them. The Eiffel Tower sits in a small park and has several gift shops, food stands and ticket offices at the 4 massive legs of the structure. Throngs of tourists milled about and purchased tickets for the elevators to take them to the second level (about 300 feet up) where you have to buy another ticket to go to the top.

We didn't go up then, but we did so two days later. We took the diagonal elevator to the second level which boasts gift shops and the exclusive Jules Verne Restaurant. They pack about 60 people in the elevator car. The view is very nice when it isn't overcast and rainy. People lined up to buy tickets to ascend the remaining 700 feet or so to the top. We would have considered it, but it was raining and getting late. We had reservations for the Moulin Rouge and had to get cleaned up for that.

We walked the mile or so back to our hotel to get some rest. Although the Hilton is a first class hotel, the nicely furnished rooms are significantly smaller than those at the Hilton in Shanghai or the Conrad in Singapore where we stayed a few months ago. This Hilton has no gift shop and no pool. It has the Purple Bar, not to be confused with the Purple Hotel near Chicago. You couldn't write a poem about it because there are no words that rhyme with purple. The concierge was very helpful. On TV, they have all Jerry Lewis, all the time. Actually, I'm kidding about that--I scanned the TV listings and found no Jerry Lewis movies. There weren't even any Dean Martin movies.

At dinner time, we asked the concierge for a restaurant recommendation. He directed us to the Cafe Loricime, about 3 blocks away, across from a flower market on Rue du Faub. St.-Honore ( I love the street names!). We had oysters, escargots in the shell, Scottish salmon, Sole Meunaire. Before the main course, they served small cups of vichyssoise soup, not cold but at room temperature. The best part of dinner was the French bread rolls. We had wine. The worst part was the bill which was 115 Euros including the VAT (value added tax). The VAT tax is 5.5% on food and 19% on alcoholic drinks. They charge 3.5 Euros for water. We're talking about 159 bucks for dinner for two!

LOUVRE

The next morning, Monday, we planned to visit the Louvre, the famous art museum and also the world's largest palace. We walked to the Champs Elysees and waited and waited for the Green Bus, a double decked tourist bus which didn't show. So we hailed a taxi for 2 mile or so drive to the Louvre. The Louvre is closed on Tuesdays and Versailles is closed on Monday, so if we didn't go today, we were in trouble. On arriving, it was bedlam, with tour groups and students lined up. You have to enter through a large glass pyramid, built in the 1990's which seems out of place here.

The Louvre is about 900 years old. The French kings lived there until Louis XIV, the Sun King moved his operation to Versailles in 1682 and used the Louvre to house his art collection. The most popular exhibit is DiVinci's La Gioconda (the Mona Lisa) which is surprisingly small in size. Unlike other priceless paintings, it is kept behind bullet-proof glass and a railing with a guard, so you can't get really close to it, making it difficult to snap a good photo. The painting actually was stolen in 1911 by a former employee who tucked it under his coat and walked out. It wasn't recovered for 2 years. I elbowed my way to the front of the crowd to get the best photo I could.

The lines to get in the museum were long, and I can see the benefit of going on an organized tour group. The museum is huge and one can spend days there viewing the multitude of artworks. They had Roman, they had Greek, they had Egyptian--not to mention painters of French, German, Dutch, Flemish and Italian origins, as well as sculptures (does Venus de Milo ring a bell?). But we had only an hour or two and didn't have time to really do this place right. We were schlepping our jackets because of the cool, rainy weather, and it was getting stuffy in there because of the throngs of people. We finally had to get out, and we caught the Green Bus which we couldn't find earlier in the day.

We sat up on the open top of the bus in the cool, gloomy weather. We got the full sightseeing tour--Notre Dame Cathedral, the Sorbonne, the Left Bank, Hotel des Invalides (disabled veterans home), listening to the English narrative. We got off near Notre Dame to have lunch at a small cafe. Dianne had onion soup and I had poisson (fish) soup, served with French bread and cheese. Everything is very expensive in Europe, and it probably cost us around $25 for the small lunch, but the food was good. We hopped back on the next bus and rode around Paris on three different bus routes. We saw the Opera (remember the Phantom?) and the Pantheon where many great Frenchmen are buried.

That evening, we visited the Italian restaurant next door to the Cafe Loricime. We feasted on gnocchi, linguine with clams, and bruschette. To me this was good ol' American food.

VERSAILLES

The following day, Tuesday, it rained pretty much all day, but we were going to Versailles, about 18 miles out of town, no matter what. Versailles is a huge palace. It began as a hunting lodge out in the country for Louis XIII. Louis XIV played and hunted there as a boy. XIV decided in 1682 to move the government there, partly so he could keep his eye on the nobility. (Keep your friends close and your enemies closer!) Essentially, he kept them in gilded cages. Louis XIV, called the Sun King, greatly expanded the palace in his 72 year reign. He believed that bathing in water was harmful and, during his lifetime, he took between 2 and 6 baths, depending on whom you talk to.

Louis XIV became king at age 5, but his mother, Anne of Austria, ran the show with her prime Minister, Cardinal Mazarin, for about 15 years. She was resented by the nobles because she was Austrian (or was it Australian?), and so she often went out of her way to piss them off. During her regency, France settled the Thirty Years' War at the Treaty of Westphalia, to France's benefit, receiving Alsace and other Habsburg lands.

Ultimately, Louis XIV took over, followed by XV and XVI. There are no records of what they called each other. The salons (rooms) are spectacular, with priceless paintings adorning the walls and ceilings, not to mention the Louis XVI chairs and other furniture that the French are famous for. The beautiful Hall of Mirrors was used for grand celebrations. It was the site of the Treaty of Versailles which ended World War I although it was not called that at the time. Just outside are the exquisite gardens which you have to pay extra to see. We would see it from the windows, but since it was raining, we passed on that.

One thing that was lacking is they don't have a lot of washrooms in the palace. In Louie's day, they used chamberpots which they emptied out the nearest windows, but that doesn't sit well today with tourists. According to Duc Saint-Simon, a contemporary of Louie, the smell was said to "unique out of all the palaces of Europe". On this day, the ladies' queue extended into the parking lot.

We were herded through the state apartments which included the king's bedroom and the queen's bedroom--they didn't have to share one. Along with the bedrooms, or bedchambers, as they were called, each had a library, drawing room and guardrooms. Among the many drawing rooms were the Mars, Venus, Hercules and Diana Drawing Rooms. I'm not sure what kind of drawing they did, but in the old days, they would serve hors d'oeuvres to the nobles in those rooms.

We saw the guillotine which was applauded at the time because it was a humane way to kill political prisoners. The French thought of everything!

MOULIN ROUGE

In the evening, we took a taxi to the nightclub district in Montmatre to see the famed Moulin Rouge which is one of the most famous cabarets in the world and one of the 500 places you must see before you die. Moulin Rouge, which means "red mill" is a Paris landmark with an iconic red windmill on the roof. This is a garish nightclub located across the street from a lap dance joint and sex shops. Our concierge asserted that Moulin Rouge is overrated, but we were not disappointed at all. The musical show, Faerie was terrific. It featured about 30 can-can girls and about 10 male dancers. We saw lots of T and A. I've seen every show in Vegas, and I found this to be even better.

We were advised that the dress code was formal, which meant coat and tie for men. I dressed properly, but much of the audience, many of them Americans, did not. When we walked in, we were seated at a back table because we had not made dinner reservations. We got champagne with the show, but we wanted some food. Since we were dressed well and we greased a palm, we were moved up close--to a table in the front row by the stage.

Immortalized by the famed artist Toulouse Lautrec who used to hang around the Moulin Rouge and paint the posters which hang on the walls, I can see the appeal of this club. In Toulouse's day, it was a classy brothel. It is considered the birthplace of the modern form of the can-can dance, which was a seductive dance by the courtesans who operated there to entertain the male clientele. The rich Parisians went slumming there, and the place is very expensive. I felt, however, the we got good value for our money.

SUMMARY

In the U.S. we have a streeotype of the French people as culturally and linguistically superior people who wear berets and spend their time watching goofy Jerry Lewis movies. We didn't observe that stereotype. We made efforts to use French phrases and ask (in French) if they spoke English. We found the French to be quite friendly and helpful.

One thing that did drive me nuts--their keyboard is different. In the U.S., we use the qwerty keyboard. In France, the Q and W are on the bottom, not the top, and a few other letters are in different positions. I was typing gibberish on the hotel computer until I figured out the French system.

Despite the wet weather, we had a wonderful 3 days in Paris, and Dianne can't wait to come back. There is much more to see.

Next: Belgium, the home of waffles, chocolate and lace.

THE SUSKINS' LAS VEGAS ADVENTURE

2011-06-20T21:17:00.000-07:00

Last week we took our annual or semi-annual or quarterly trip to one of our favorite cities--Las Vegas. Actually we hadn't been there since last June. (see KENSUSKINREPORT, June, 2010). I first started visiting Las Vegas about 30 years ago when my folks retired there. Later, I bought a computer and discovered the Las Vegas common interest group on Prodigy where we met friends and exchanged ideas about unusual attractions and restaurants to see.

This time we persuaded our New York friends Mike & Dorothy to meet us there. We stayed at Bally's where our total bill for three nights was--free. Believe me, it was worth every penny. It was such a good deal that our friends stayed a fourth night.

Most people think Las Vegas is just about gambling, and we do some gambling (in moderation), but we like to soak up the other activities in town, and there are many things to do. If we really want to gamble, heck, there are plenty of opportunities at home, but we don't partake. Here are some of the highlights of our trip.

NEON BONEYARD

This is an outdoor museum started by Young Electric Sign Co. (YESCO) who constructed many of the famous neon signs of Las Vegas. The site is run by a 501(c)(3) charity to celebrate the history of these signs that made Las Vegas famous. YESCO owned many of the signs and leased them to the hotels and restaurants. Some of the hotels have been literally blown up, but before doing so, YESCO removed the signs to the Neon Boneyard. We photographed the Stardust, the Desert Inn, the Horseshoe and many of the lesser known signs.

You can't just stroll in to see this museum. You must make a reservation 3 weeks in advance and hope there are openings. They won't tell you where it is, and in fact it is locked up on a 2 acre parcel behind a high fence. I'd disclose it to you, but then I might have to kill you. Seriously, though, they give you a nearby address to go to and they they lead you to the museum for a guided tour. The tour guides are volunteers--mostly grad students. They have one tour per day--at 10 A.M.--when it's only about 100 degrees. It gets too hot after that.

We walked around the yard, soaking up the history of old Las Vegas. Many of the signs were lesser businesses like the Green Shack, an iconic fried chicken restaurant which opened in the 1930's to feed the construction workers building Hoover Dam. The restaurant closed at least 10 years ago, but Dianne and I ate there back in the '90's when the locals raved about the chicken. My impression at that time was that we had better chicken back home, at a place called KFC.

MOB MUSEUM

This is an interactive exhibit located at the newly renovated Tropicana Hotel which presents the real stories of the history of organized crime and law enforcement. It embraces the checkered history of Las Vegas and the characters who made it what it is today. It takes about 2 hours to complete the tour. At the start, you choose your virtual guide who then appears on the screen in the various rooms to explain the exhibits. The virtual guides are well known actors like James Caan. We chose actor Tony Sirico who plays Paulie Walnuts in the Sopranos. They took our mug shots, so we had to show our best poker faces. We then stood in a lineup where we were photographed.

The museum has exhibits devoted to Italian and Jewish gangsters like Ben Siegel (his enemies called him Bugsy) and kingpin Meyer Lansky who had built casinos in Havana, Cuba before the Castro Revolution. Also, there is a large exhibit about numbers guy Lefty Rosenthal who, with his buddy Tony "The Ant" Spilotro from Chicago, brought street crime to Las Vegas. Spilotro and his brother Michael angered the publicity shy higher-ups and met their demise in an Indiana cornfield. In the movie Casino, he was convincingly played by actor Joe Pesce who looks just like him. Spilotro's lawyer, Oscar Goodman is the popular mayor of Las Vegas.

Las Vegas is unique in that most of the founding fathers of the city were organized crime figures. For example, Bugsy Siegel essentially created modern Las Vegas, building a classy "carpet joint" at a time when the other casinos had sawdust on the floors. For his contribution to the city's success, they should have a statue of him in the middle of the Strip, but they don't. The city fathers are ambivalent about Siegel. The only thing I could find honoring him is a small plaque in the pool area behind the Flamingo Hotel. It's not on the tourist maps and you have to look hard to find it. I can understand that they wouldn't want to honor someone who murdered as many as 15 people, but, hey, nobody's perfect.

THE GUN STORE

Until my 2010 trip, I had never fired a gun in my life. This store, located a couple of miles off the Strip advertises heavily in the media and offers coupons in the tourist guides. We brought our friends who wanted to test the latest machine guns, and we had a good time. This place does a land-office business. We had to wait in line to get on the range. We purchased a Ladies' package for Dianne for $50 and a package for me for $55 plus ammunition. We get to choose our weapons from an array mounted on the wall. I chose a Glock 19 pistol and an AK-15 automatic.

Next you have to choose 2 posters to aim at. Last year, I chose the Osama poster, the most popular one. Since his demise, it's no longer available. So I chose a desert insurgent and two guys holding hostages. I was proud of myself in that I hit the bad guys but didn't hit the hostages. Many others in the store didn't aim as well and drilled the hostages.

Then, since we had recently toured the Mob Museum, Mike wanted to try the Thompson Sub-Machine Gun (Tommy Gun) which he said was very heavy and hard to control. After our shooting adventure, we roamed the gift shop which had many gadgets and accessories like silencers which I had thought were illegal. I guess if I wanted to outfit a private army, this would be the place to do so.

GORDIE BROWN SHOW AT THE GOLDEN NUGGET

The Golden Nugget is the most garish hotel in downtown Las Vegas. Gordie Brown is not well known yet outside Vegas, but he probably will be. At $75 per ticket, this is a bargain for that town. We sat in the fourth row which was good because much of Brown's comedy is reflected in his facial expressions which are not obvious if you're seated far away. Brown had opened for Celine Dion on her world tour. He is an impressionist and comedian with a great deal of musical talent. He plays guitar and sings, making up words for well known songs. This show is not highly promoted, but was highly entertaining.

Before the show, we had a wonderful prime rib dinner at the Chart House in the Golden Nugget. Our backdrop was the enormous tropical fish tank behind our table.

FREMONT STREET EXPERIENCE

We spent Saturday night on Fremont Street in Downtown Las Vegas taking in the carnival atmosphere. Every night is like New Years Eve here with rock bands and street performers. Thousands of people milled around on the street. All this energy captures the essence of Vegas.

BREAKFASTS AT BLUEBERRY HILL

For Friday and Saturday breakfast we went with our friends to Blueberry Hill, a chain of pancake houses. For about half the price of a breakfast at a Strip hotel, we had terrific breakfasts of pancakes, eggs, ham and potatoes. They have the best pancakes in town, and we would recommend them to anybody. We have been visiting Las Vegas for many years, and we had gotten this recommendation from our friends on Prodigy. We visit this restaurant on every trip.

THE BELMONT STAKES

Early Saturday morning, I placed some bets on the Belmont Stakes to be run later in the afternoon In the sports book, we could see that it was raining heavily in New York, producing a sloppy track. Anything can happen in that situation, and it did. We sat with our friends in the sportsbook at Bally's relaxing and watching the races. Unfortunately for us, we didn't have the winning combination in the big race, as the winning horse and the second place horse were longshots--horses we didn't think were fast enough to win. Most other people didn't think so either, but for the fortunate few who picked it by sheer luck. The Trifecta paid thousands of dollars for a one dollar bet. Well, maybe next year.

WORLD SERIES OF POKER AT THE RIO

The WSOP was being held this weekend at the Rio Hotel, so we decided to visit. It is held in a cavernous 160,000 square foot convention center in the Rio, just off the Strip. You could fit a couple of Wal-Marts inside that room. The scope of this event is unbelievable. There are over 15,000 participants in all the events, many paying a $10,000 entry fee (some win their entry fees in the satellite tournaments). There are about 400 poker tables in this huge venue with 8-10 players at each. I walked around, getting the flavor of this event. For a guy who plays 25 and 50 cent stud poker with the senior citizens once a month, this was culture shock for me. I don't play Texas Hold-em, the prevailing game, although I watch it on TV occasionally.

I just finished reading a book about the life story of Doyle Brunson, the "Godfather of Poker" who is close to 80 years old but still participates. In his younger days, he was a college basketball star in Texas and a potential first round draft choice of the NBA, but his athletic career was derailed by an industrial accident that shattered his leg. When life gives you lemons, you must make lemonade. In Brunson's case, he took up poker and despite many ups and downs, he made a very nice living at it. He also wrote a couple best selling books about poker strategy. I didn't see him, but I'd like to meet him someday.

We came home to reality and in a few months, we'll be ready for another Las Vegas experience. We'll find some other unusual attractions to visit

KENNETH SUSKIN
6/21/11

TALES OF THE TRACK--I GOT THE HORSE RIGHT HERE HIS NAME IS PAUL REVERE

2011-05-13T21:04:00.000-07:00

I got the horse right here, his name is Paul Revere
And here's a guy who says if the weather's clear
Can do, can do
This guy says the horse can do
If he says the horse can do, can do, can do.

I'm picking Valentine
'Cause on the morning line
the guy has got him figured at 5 to 9
Has chance, has chance...

No way
for Paul Revere I'll bite
I hear his foot's all right
Of course it all depends
If it rained last night
I know its Valentine
The morning works look fine
Because the jockey's brother's a friend of mine...

But look at Epitaph
He wins it by a half
According to this here in the "Telegraph"
Big threat, big threat...

Now this is no bum steer
It's from a handicapper that's real sincere...

(Excerpts from "Fugue for Tinhorns" from Guys and Dolls)

I certainly can't improve on the opening song from Guys and Dolls which sums up the racetrack culture. The Kentucky Derby has just ended, and once again, I just missed on the Trifecta, getting the longshot winner (Animal Kingdom) and the second place horse (Nehro), but missing the third place horse. Although it didn't affect me, two horses with little chance of winning based on their records were heavily bet by the sentimental crowd because of their popular jockeys. One must keep in mind that no jockey, no matter how talented, has ever carried the horse across the finish line.

Horse racing is unlike other sports in that nobody ever interviews the winning athlete. The talking heads interview the trainer, the jockey, the guy who mucks out the stall and everyone else, but the horse just silently stands in the background. Maybe they can have Mr. Ed or Francis the Talking Mule (my favorite movie star) conduct an interview.

One thing I enjoy in racing is the creativity of the names of the horses. I and many other fans have wondered where they came up with the names of some of these horses. First of all, a little history is in order.

All thoroughbred horses are descended from 3 stallions brought to England from the Middle East in the 17th Century and bred to Scottish sprinting mares. The Godolphin Arabian was foaled in Yemen, given to the King of France as a gift and was seen pulling a water cart when it was admired by the Englishman Edward Coke who purchased it and sold it to the Earl of Godolphin.
The Darley Arabian was named after its owner, Thomas Darley who bought the horse in Syria in 1704. The Byerley Turk was named after its owner, Captain Byerley who captured the horse from the Turks at the siege of Buda in 1690.

We can consider names like Joe Cotton, Ben Ali, Macbeth II, Spokane, Judge Himes, Donerail, Exterminator, Burgoo King and Gallahadion which, by the way are all past Kentucky Derby winners. Donerail went to the post as a 91-1 longshot. In some instances, the names are a variation of the horse's bloodlines. Macbeth II was sired by a horse called Macduff, which happens to be my wife Dianne's maiden name. Her family, on the Patch side, also has connections to the famed trotter Dan Patch, and in fact we keep a large portrait of that horse in our house.

Under Jockey Club rules, you can't name a horse after a living person without that person's written permission. Many have, such as Barbara Bush, Fred Astaire, Ann Landers and Shecky Greene. Jack Klugman ran in the Kentucky Derby. Chris Evert (the horse) is in the Racing Hall of Fame. Nehro, who finished second in this year's Derby, was supposed to be Nehru after the Indian statesman, but that name was already taken.

A horse can't have an obscene, offensive or suggestive name--and many ARE rejected. Some that slipped through include Panty Raid and Bodacious Tatas. Horses with fart in the name are rejected.

An acquaintance of mine is a race track announcer, a job which requires his ability to call out the names very quickly in the heat of a race. He prepares for the race by studying the program, and when he finds a horse with a difficult or unfamiliar sounding name, he uses multi-colored markers to underline each syllable in the horse's name with a different color. This trick of the trade works well with a horse like Nelbludepintodeblu that used to run at Santa Anita and drive the announcer crazy. The word looks like gibberish, but it was actually a hit song by Dean Martin and others.

To avoid the possibility of fraud, you can't have two racehorses with the same or similar names. So unlike humans, where you can have several people with the same name, the Jockey Club Registry will not allow that with horses. The entertainment industry is replete with similar names creating confusion. You have country singer Julie Roberts, as well as movie star Julia Roberts. Tommy Lee Jones and Tom Jones. Its not unusual, but better yet, there are two movie stars named Michael Douglas although the younger one is known to us as Michael Keaton, not to mention TV talk show host Mike Douglas who died in 2006 at age 81.

But, hey, it's all relative--Albert Brooks' real name is Albert Einstein which was also the name of a horse probably named to attract the "smart money." But speaking of smart, the 2004 Kentucky Derby winner was named by owner Roy Chapman after his mother-in-law Millie McNair whose childhood nickname was--Smarty Jones.

With horses, there is a specific set of rules to govern the many situations. Names can be recycled, but not if the horse is still racing or breeding. Names of winners of Grade One stakes races in the last 25 years are not allowed. That would appear to make the names Secretariat or Seabiscuit available except for another rule about "Permanent Names" which include horses in the Racing Hall of Fame, horses voted Horse of the Year, and horses that have won some other awards. Unavailable names would also exclude "Annual Leading sire and broodmares by progeny earnings", horses who have won more than $2 million lifetime, and horses that have won any of the Triple Crown races , the Jockey Club Gold Cup or the Breeder's Cup. The name can't have more than 18 characters (including spaces), so you often have names jumbled together. Nelbludepintodeblu barely qualifies.

They've been running the Kentucky Derby for 137 years, the Preakness even longer than that, and the Belmont for almost that long, so a lot of names are ineligible.

Speaking of unusual names, the Preakness was actually named after a horse. The race, first run in 1873, predates the Kentucky Derby. Preakness (the horse) was named after the Preakness Stables in Preakness, Wayne Township, New Jersey. The name came from the Indian word meaning "quail woods". The horse Preakness won the first stakes race held on opening day at Baltimore's Pimlico Racetrack in 1870. In those days there was no concept of the Triple Crown, and in fact the Preakness was run on the same day as the Kentucky Derby in 1917 and 1923.

The Belmont was named after New York socialite financier August Belmont Sr. Dion and the Belmonts were named after the same guy, but actually after Belmont Avenue in the Bronx. Mr. Belmont at age 65 volunteered for duty in France in World War I. In 1917, while he was away, a foal was born in his stable. Mrs. Belmont named the colt Man O' War after her overseas husband. Man O' War who was called "Red" or "Big Red" around the farm lost only one race in his glorious career--to a horse named Upset, whom Man O' War had defeated 6 times previously. Although many think otherwise, the term "upset" in the sense of an unlikely winner, was actually a common term for many years prior to that race.

As we can see, the horses' names often do have meanings. In many cases, a horse's name is long or wordy to reflect its bloodlines so that breeders and buyers can recognize its lineage. Things are named after horses also. The Snickers candy bar was named after a favorite horse of its creator, Frank Mars.

Names are limited only by the creativity of the horse owners, but if a Thoroughbred horse is going to race, it must clear the hurdles set by the Jockey Club--no more than 18 characters, etc. Owners frequently submit several alternative names in the hopes that one will be accepted. If you want to check on a prospective name, subscribe to and use the 7 volume American Stud Book, which lists the names of every racing and breeding Thoroughbred horse in North America.
If you're going to bet them, remember, as Damon Runyon said, "the race doesn't always go to the swift, nor the battle to the strong, but that's the way to bet."

THE SAM BOWIE AWARD GOES TO THE 401 PLAYERS DRAFTED BEFORE ALBERT PUJOLS IN THE 1999 BASEBALL DRAFT

2011-04-14T21:09:00.000-07:00

For those of you who have never heard of Sam Bowie, he was a University of Kentucky basketball player drafted in 1984 by the Portland Trail Blazers of the NBA. Their scouts felt he was the best player available. Bowie's claim to fame--or infamy if you will--was to be picked immediately before a North Carolina player named Michael Jordan. Other players picked after Bowie included Charles Barkley and John Stockton, both in the Hall of Fame. The unfortunate Mr. Bowie was plagued by injuries throughout his career and never lived up to his potential. Today he is a successful race horse owner in Lexington, Kentucky. _______________________________________________ Recently 60 Minutes ran a segment about St. Louis Cardinals star first baseman Albert Pujols who many consider to be the best player in baseball. A native of the Dominican Republic, Pujols came to the U.S. as a teen and went to high school in Kansas City. He starred in baseball in high school and at community college when he was entered in the 1999 major league amateur player draft. Although he was a local star, most major league scouts didn't rate him highly, and he was overlooked until the 13th Round when he was the 402nd player drafted, right after shortstop Alfred Amezaga (a .251 lifetime hitter). This rankled Pujols as well as costing him money, although he did get a $60,000 bonus to sign with the Cardinals. ___________________________________________________ Considering the scouts thought 401 amateur players were better than Jose Pujols, as he was known then, I decided to look up how those 401 players fared in their baseball careers. The 1999 draft went through 50 rounds, and 1474 players were drafted. As you can imagine, most of them never played in the big leagues, and the lower the round, the fewer players made it. In some rounds, none of the players went on to play in the majors. The first round featured the elite amateur players, and some of the names are recognizable star players today. Number 1 was Josh Hamilton, now a star outfielder with Texas and the 2010 Most Valuable Player in the American League. He recently came into his own after several seasons of injuries and substance abuse issues. Second was pitcher Josh Beckett, who is a fine pitcher today. Other significant names from the first round included pitcher Barry Zito a Cy Young Award winner, and also Ben Sheets, a solid starting pitcher. There were 51 players drafted in the opening round which included 21 supplemental picks. Of those 51, only 23 ever played in the majors. the Chicago White Sox drafted pitchers Jason Sturm and Matt Ginter 15th and 22nd. Ginter has pitched in the majors but has essentially been a marginal player. _________________________________________________ The Chicago Cubs drafted the infamous Ben Christiansen who was best known for intentionally hitting (and severely injuring) a batter in the on-deck circle with a pitch. (The victim, Anthony Molina, another potential draft choice, was partially blinded, ending his career. He sued and Christiansen reportedly paid a $400,000 settlement.) What goes around comes around. Christiansen suffered from frequent arm trouble. He also had problems with control and was released in 2005 without ever making it above Double A ball. _________________________________________________ The Cardinals, with the 30th overall pick went all in with Chance Cagle, a right handed pitcher. What, you've never heard of him! My favorite moment was when the KC Royals gobbled up left handed pitcher Jimmy Gobble with the 43rd pick. He pitched in the majors but didn't gobble up many innings, mostly working in short relief, facing one or two batters at a time. __________________________________________________ In the Second Round, 33 players were drafted, and 16 made it to the majors, if only for a short time. The significant names included 52nd pick Carl Crawford, now an All-Star outfielder, and journeyman second baseman Bobby Hill, drafted 66th. The Third Round saw 30 players drafted of which 12 made it to the bigs. Justin Morneau an MVP with the Twins went 89th, light-hitting Willie Bloomquist went 95th, and slugger Hank Blalock went 105th. Only 8 of 30 in the Fourth Round made it to the majors, including Kevin Mench and Angel Pagan. ___________________________________________________ The Fifth Round did better--11 made it, including two good left handed pitchers, Nate Robertson and Joe Saunders. Of the 30 drafted in the Sixth Round, pitchers J.J. Putz at 185, Eric Bedard at 187 and Aaron Harang at 195 have pitched well in the major leagues. Besides Putz, 20 others in that round were just putzes who didn't make it. But immediately before Harang went outfielder Shane Victorino who starred in the 2009 World Series with the Phillies. Notably in the Seventh Round, the Redbirds picked No. 222 Coco Crisp, a good player, but not Albert Pujols. The Eighth and Ninth Rounds produced a total of 10 big leaguers but none of consequence. In the Tenth Round, the No. 306 choice was outfielder Marlon Byrd who is now the Cubs' best hitter. The Eleventh and Twelfth Round produced a total of 7 big leaguers, but no stars. ________________________________________________ There were a few solid players drafted after Pujols, including No. 472, pitcher Jake Peavy, a Cy Young Award winner, pitcher Rich Harden at No. 1145, and infielder Adam LaRoche (.271 lifetime BA) at No. 1254. _______________________________________________ What all this shows is that baseball scouting is an inexact science. Nevertheless a few scouts were embarrassed, and some lost their jobs when they missed Pujols. For example, Tampa Bay Rays' scout Fernando Arango raved about Pujols, then a shortstop at Maple Woods Community College. He persuaded the Rays' management to bring him to Tampa for a tryout. Because Pujols was a big guy, they asked him to perform in catching equipment which he reluctantly agreed to do. They let him hit and he focused on line drives and didn't hit any out of the park. He had a bad day and the Rays passed on him. Arango was still high on him, and when the Cardinals drafted him, Arango submitted his resignation. He said, "I was a little frustrated....To me, it was very simple. If I can't get a guy like that, even in the 10th Round, maybe I should take a sabbatical from amateur scouting." _________________________________________________ The Colorado Rockies' scout Jay Darnell told his team that he thought Pujols would hit for power. His scouting report described Pujols as "heavy legged" and stated that his throws "often tail and sink as fingers are not on top of the ball." The Cincinnati Reds scouting department reported that Pujols had power but was undisciplined at the plate--a free swinger. Over his ten year major league career, Pujols seldom strikes out, unusual for a power hitter. ___________________________________________________The Kansas City Royals, his hometown team was especially upset about missing him. According to Herk Robinson, then the General Manager, "We had someone in our engineering department here at Kauffman Stadium who actually lived with Albert for about three months. You can't get much more in your backyard than that." Hey guys, he was STILL available in the 12th Round! The Rockies' scouting director Bill Gayton said that some teams were concerned that Pujols was actually somewhat older than he claimed (Latinos often don't have birth certificates). Well they could have done some due diligence! ___________________________________________________ These things happen in every draft because some players are late bloomers. Other star players were also drafted late, like perennial Cy Young Award candidate Roy Oswalt who went in the 23rd Round in 1986. He was picked at No. 684, and another good pitcher Ted Lilly went at No. 688 the same year. ___________________________________________________The prime example of this was catcher Mike Piazza, a Hall of Fame candidate who waited until the 62nd Round in 1988. His father Vince, a wealthy Pennsylvania car dealer was a boyhood friend of Dodger Manager Tom LaSorda. Vince Piazza recognized some potential in his then 12 year old son, Mike and hired the legendary Ted Williams to tutor him in hitting. (Williams told him not to change his swing.) Even so, nobody outside his family recognized the potential of the young first baseman at Miami Dade Junior College, and Vince asked LaSorda to draft his son as a personal favor. LaSorda probably rolled his eyes and groaned but drafted him, insisting on making him a catcher to have an easier path to the majors. Of the Dodgers 61 draft choices that year, only 11 actually made it to the majors. The only other one with a significant career was first baseman Eric Karros. So, for the rest of the story, Piazza, the 1390th player drafted (out of 1433), went on to become perhaps the best hitting catcher in baseball history (427 HR's and .308 lifetime BA) and made LaSorda look like a genius. ___________________________________________________ Now that I've embarrassed the major league scouting programs, I'll go one step further. Since the draft was instituted in 1965, 46 players have been drafted Number 1, and these guys should be surefire stars, right? Well 41 have played in the majors. the five who washed out included the 1966 top pick, catcher Steve Chilcott (Mets), 1991's left handed pitcher Brian Taylor (Yankees), 2004's shortstop Matt Bush (Padres) and 2008's shortstop Tim Beckham (Reds). Some did become big stars as expected, like Harold Baines (2830 hits), Darryl Strawberry (335 HR's), Ken Griffey Jr. (630 HR's), Chipper Jones (436 HR's and .306 BA), Alex Rodriguez (616 HR's), Adrian Gonzalez and Joe Mauer (.326 BA, 2 batting championships). ___________________________________________________ Others were average or slightly above average players like the Cubs' Shawon Dunston (.269 BA), Pat Burrell (288 HR's, .254 BA), Darin Erstad (.282 BA), Phil Nevin (208 HR's, .270 BA), B.J. Surhoff (.282 BA) , Ben McDonald (78-70, 3.91 ERA), Mike Moore (161-176, 4.39 ERA), Floyd Bannister (134-143, 4.06 ERA) and Bill Almon (.254 BA). In some cases players failed through no fault of their own. They suffered injuries that shortened or hampered their careers. The jury is still out on some recent Number Ones like pitchers Stephen Strasburg, David Price and Luke Hochevar, and outfielder Delman Young. ___________________________________________________One thing is certain, if a scout can come up with the NEXT Albert Pujols--seeing something the other teams have missed--he'll have fans buying him dinner and drinks for life. KENNETH SUSKIN 4/15/11

UNUSUAL BASEBALL RECORDS--LONGEST BATTING STREAK--A MAN NAMED JOE

2011-04-01T20:56:00.000-07:00

Baseball season is back, and we celebrate one of professional baseball's oldest records--the longest hitting streak in history. A beacon of consistency, Joe got at least one hit in an incredible 69 straight games. Yes, former Major Leaguer Joe Wilhoit (you thought DiMaggio?), playing for the Wichita Witches of the Western League in the 1919 season pulled off this amazing feat. By the way, the second longest hitting streak in the minor leagues was performed by the other Joe--DiMaggio, in 1933 when he batted safely in 61 games. DiMaggio, playing for the San Francisco Seals, was only 18 years old at the time. __________________________________________________ Thanks to research and articles by Bob Rives of the Baseball Biography Project, and by Bill Rabinowitz (Wilhoit, the Wichita Wonder), I'm able to bring you the details of this incredible feat. Joe Wilhoit was born in 1885 in Hiawatha, Kansas, just across the river from St. Joseph, Missouri, where well known baseball fan Jesse James had recently been killed before he had a chance to meet Sandra Bullock. But that's another story. Wilhoit went to college in Chicago where he became the first DePaul alumnus to play in the big leagues. His major league career consisted of just 4 seasons, mostly as a reserve outfielder. He was a respectable hitter, batting .285 in 1917 and .274 in 1918. It was a long road, but the high point came when he played in two games for the NY Giants in the 1917 World Series. The Giants lost the Series to the Chicago White Sox who didn't win it again until 2005, a span of 88 years. ___________________________________________________The next season was a war year and the big leagues were depleted of talent. Wilhoit, being married, was less likely to be drafted, and he won a semi regular position with the Giants, alternating with Jim Thorpe. You may remember Thorpe because he won several Olympic gold medals and Hollywood made a movie about him. They even named a town in Pennsylvania after him, (Mauch Chunk, PA became Jim Thorpe, PA.) but it wasn't because of his hitting. In 1919 when the regular players came back from World War I, Wilhoit was demoted to the minors--Seattle in the Pacific Coast League. __________________________________________________ Joe went into a batting slump there and was soon traded to Wichita in a lower minor league. At that point, deep in the bush leagues, most ballplayers would think about another line of work, but Joe was happy back in Kansas and was determined to stay the season. After 25 games with the Witches, management was ready to bring out the brooms. Joe's average was below the Mendoza Line, and Mario Mendoza wasn't even born yet. The unemployment line was looking like a distinct possibility. The only thing Joe had going was that the team carried only 14 players, and the only spare outfielder was hospitalized after being beaned by a fastball. ___________________________________________________ The team owner and manager, Frank Isbell was also a former big leaguer, a star with the 1906 Chicago White Sox World Champs. Isbell worked with Wilhoit on his hitting, switching him to a lighter bat. Apparently he pushed the right button because the outfielder began to hit. It started slowly, with an infield hit on June 14th against Oklahoma City. After that, Joe went bonkers! Over the next 12 games, he had multiple hits in each game. In a doubleheader against Des Moines, he collected 8 hits in 9 at-bats. During the course of the Streak, Wilhoit had 153 hits in 297 at-bats, an other-worldly .515 batting average. During that time, he hit 24 doubles, 9 triples and 4 homers. (For the whole season, he led the Minor Leagues in hitting with a .422 batting average.) News of the Streak spread like a prairie fire. Fans began pouring into the ballpark to cheer him on. The national press began covering Joe's games. __________________________________________________ Getting a hit every game is very difficult because there is an element of luck--good and bad. Line drives can be caught; sharply hit ground balls are often hit directly at fielders. In Game 62, Joe didn't get a hit until the 11th inning--it was a game winning homer. In Game 63, he went hitless his first three tries. In his fourth, he bunted the ball to Omaha third baseman, Bert Graham who was playing an unfamiliar position when the regular third sacker got hurt. Omaha had a big lead in the game, and although Graham probably could have thrown Joe out, he elected to hold the ball. The scorekeeper charitably credited Joe with a hit, extending the Streak. The crowd applauded Graham's "sportsmanship". Whether Graham helped him or not is open to question, but Joe was a fan favorite and one of the most popular players in the league. ___________________________________________________ In any event, the Streak continued until August 19th when he was stopped by Tulsa pitcher Elam Vanglider who later pitched for 11 years in the Majors. Joe struck out, grounded out sharply to the shortstop and flied out in his first three appearances. In his fourth try, facing relief pitcher Mutt Williams in the seventh inning, he drew a base on balls. In the bottom of the eighth inning, Wichita rallied to take the lead with two out. The pitcher, Paul Musser was due up, and Isbell elected not to use a pinch hitter. Musser made the last out with Joe in the on-deck circle. Musser retired the side in the ninth inning, and Joe never got another chance to hit. When the Streak ended, the fans passed the hat and collected $600 for Joe--a large sum considering his monthly pay was only about $200. ___________________________________________________ The Streak drew the attention of Major League clubs who got into a bidding auction with owner Isbell for Wilhoit's services. After the Streak, Isbell sold Joe's contract to the Boston Red Sox, and he wasn't in Kansas anymore. He finished the season with the Bosox, getting 6 hits in 18 at-bats. In the 1920 season, he found himself back in the minors where he finished his professional career in 1923 with Salt Lake City of the Pacific Coast League, batting .360 in his final season. He bought a luggage shop in Santa Barbara, California which he operated until his untimely death from cancer in 1930. ___________________________________________________ Today, the Streak is practically unknown because nobody has ever seriously threatened it. It was overshadowed by the great Joe DiMaggio, who set the more famous Major League hitting streak of 56 games back in 1941. DiMaggio, of course, was the premier center fielder of his generation and may have been even better known for marrying the premier sex siren of his generation Marilyn Monroe. No average Joes here.

ASIAN ODYSSEY PART SIX--SINGAPORE--THE LION CITY

2011-03-19T21:37:00.000-07:00

As we left Thailand, it was Super Bowl Monday on the ship. Yeah, I know they play the Super Bowl on Sunday, but not in Southeast Asia. For most Americans, this is the most important holiday of the year in that more people celebrate it than any other holiday than maybe Christmas. Certainly more than Labor Day, for example. We had our Super Bowl party at 7 A.M. The ship had a satellite feed, and the interesting thing was we got to miss all the commercials. Instead, during the breaks, we were subjected to an ESPN collage featuring soccer and basketball highlights. I would have rather seen the commercials.

But unlike the sports bar we frequented in Jordan 2 years ago, we didn't have to explain to the locals or the bartender what the Super Bowl is. The crew on the ship may have had difficulty locating Green Bay on a map, but at least they knew about the Super Bowl. As you know by now, the Cheeseheads prevailed, and the Brett Favre era has officially ended.

SINGAPORE

In the ancient Sanskrit language, Singapore means "lion city". The deal is that hundreds of years ago, a Borneo prince arrived there and saw a wild animal which he thought was a lion. Never mind that if he had never seen a lion, how would he know what it would look like. They didn't have TV or the Internet in those days. Lions are not indigenous to the area--but tigers are. Whatever the case, they build a statue of a lion in the Singapore harbor, and the tourists flock to see it.

Singapore is a tiny country, about the size of Chicago. the majority of the people are of Chinese descent, but it is a melting pot with many nationalities. We were told that 92% of the people own their homes. Singapore boasts the world's busiest seaport and has the second highest per capita income in the world (next to even tinier Monaco). The government can be described as a benevolent dictatorship. The citizens are prosperous and don't want to rock the boat, and it's a bad idea to criticize the prime minister. The death penalty is used liberally, and the people get the message. The crime rate is very low.

It is against the law to bring chewing gum into the country--punishable by a $1000 fine. Actually we DID smuggle some in our suitcase, and fortunately, we didn't get caught. The reasons for the law is that the government's policy is to keep the city clean, and scooping up gum from the sidewalk is expensive, and then there's the ick factor. If you spit out gum on the street the punishment may be caning. It's safe to say that the Wrigley Company will not be building a plant in Singapore anytime soon.

The city is warm and humid, even in early February. It is 81 miles North of the Equator, on islands off the Southern tip of the Malay Peninsula. It rains quite a bit, but we had good weather in the few days we spent there. Because it's a small country, the land is used very efficiently. They use landfill to create new land. Then they expand upward in the form of high rise buildings. The Swissotel Stamford is 73 stories high and was once the tallest hotel in the world. Now it's No. 11, and the others are most likely in Asia also.

Singapore was founded as a trading post by the British in 1819 to counter the Dutch influence in nearby Java. The key man here was Sir Thomas Stamford Raffles (1781-1826), a man of many talents who was Governor-General of the nearby areas of Malaya. He was a botanist (several species named after him) and a historian (wrote History of Java). In the relatively short time he spent there, he set up far reaching progressive policies. For example he wrote a constitution, abolished gambling and slavery (brought in convicts). He set up local schools for the natives and decreed religious freedom for all. Maybe most important was he made peace with the local sultans.

There are many things named either Stamford or Raffles, but the best is the classic Raffles Hotel, built in 1887 by two Armenian brothers. It was renovated into a 5 star hotel in 1991. When we disembarked from the ship, we agreed to meet our friends later in the day at the famous Long Bar in the Raffles Hotel. The Long Bar is a relic from the British colonial period and is best known for inventing the Singapore Sling cocktail. This sweet and tasty drink is composed of gin, Cherry Heering, Benedictine and pineapple juice, with soda water added for foam. Of course we had to try one, at 17 bucks a glass. The 8 of us sat around the table toasting the cruise with our pricey drinks. Actually the $17 was in Singapore dollars--converted to U.S., it's only about $13.

Our home away from home in Singapore was the Conrad Centennial Hotel. This is a 6-star top of the line in the Hilton Hotel chain, and their service during our stay was impeccable. What was peccable, however, was their failing to meet us at the dock. We had to hire a taxi to drive us to the hotel. The concierge expressed embarrassment, and for our entire stay, they treated us like the big shots that we are. The concierge showed us to our room and made sure everything worked properly. We slept in a tall bed--it seemed about 4 feet off the floor. You wouldn't want to fall out of bed. The pillows were big and soft. As in the Hilton in Shanghai, we were treated to a complimentary buffet breakfast with stuff like delicious red bean pau, several varieties of fish, rice, etc. as well as scrambled eggs, toast and cereal which Americans would normally eat. This hotel is more sedate than the brand new Marina Bay Sands, a Las Vegas style hotel, but more on that later. The Conrad is a first class hotel.

The evening concierge, an attractive young lady, walked us across the street to a giant shopping mall and the Sin Chocolate store. We bought her a chocolate rose, and she couldn't thank us enough. At the end of our stay, the staff arranged to have us driven to the airport at 6 A.M., complimentary.

Our hotel was walking distance from everything if we could have figured out the right directions. Walking around is dangerous for Americans because cars drive on the left side. We instinctively look the wrong way at street corners. Across from the main entrance is a second enormous shopping mall, the Suntec City Mall with 360 stores on 4 levels. We later found out that both shopping malls are the same--they are connected underground. A tunnel under the busy street has stores also. We crossed the street and found the booth for the double decked topless sightseeing buses that tour the entire city. We signed up for unlimited service, and over the next full day, we got to see pretty much the whole city, stopping at the main attractions and then catching the next bus on the schedule. The city is a model of efficiency, and the buses, like everything else, run on time.

We wandered around the 888,000 square feet of retail space at this multi-level shopping mall, plus 5 high rise office buildings as well as a convention center. Did I mention that everything is big in Asia! Our frustration level was high when we couldn't figure out how to exit to return to our hotel. We had to conserve steps because Dianne was still walking in a cast with a crutch, so I had to walk ahead and scout around and ask directions. The information booths and maps were hopeless and the people, though well meaning, had difficulty helping us. Most speak English though heavily accented. This was the second time on our trip that we got lost in a shopping mall (the other was Hong Kong), and asking directions doesn't always work. The problem was that although our hotel was across the street, we didn't know what direction we were heading, and one can literally walk for miles around the mall. If we could have found the the sightseeing bus booth, we would have been OK, but we couldn't find that either. Eventually, with the help of a young lady shop clerk, we found our way back.

We later learned that this mall was featured on the Amazing Race TV show on three occasions. If the contestants got lost also, it would not surprise me.

That evening, we decided to visit the Marina Bay Sands Hotel, the new Las Vegas style casino that recently opened. Our friends from the cruise, Mike and Dorothy were staying there, and we decided to look for them. Although it is normally a 5 minute cab ride from our hotel, it took an hour to get there through the heavy traffic on an expressway over a bridge. While inching along on the bridge, we noticed that many people walk there over an elaborately decorated pedestrian bridge. We couldn't do that because of Dianne's difficulty walking.

The Marina Bay Sands was built by Sheldon Adelson, the same guy who built the Venetian and the Palazzo Hotels in Las Vegas, and he spared no expense in this one. The total cost of this complex was $5.7 billion, but that includes a convention center, another huge shopping mall that extends under the superhighway connection to the hotel, and of course, a casino which is the size of a Super Walmart.

This hotel is really over the top. On the 57th floor is a 3 story pool complex with palm trees growing. From a distance, it looks like they added it to the roof of the building as an afterthought. The pool area is very luxurious and they charge $20 to go inside.

I've read that the casino is the most profitable in the world. It would not work in Las Vegas, but in Singapore, it's basically the only game in town. They discourage Singapore natives from gambling there, so they check your passport when you enter. Singapore natives must pay $100 to enter. For tourists, it's free. The reason it wouldn't work in Vegas is that Vegas gamblers are more sophisticated, looking for games with a small house edge, like Video Poker and craps. Mike asked the manager where the crap tables were and was told "soon". He thought that "soon" was the Chinese word for dice. I saw thousands of slot machines, many of which were of the penny or two cent variety where you must play almost $2 on every pull, and the house has a big advantage. I asked the manager where to find Video Poker. He led me to two machines--two in the entire casino! We went to the $10 roulette table. In Las Vegas, you can bet $1 on each of ten numbers as long as you bet a total of $10. Not here. $10 on a single number. If you want red or black, it's $50. We didn't stay long in the casino. We didn't want to pay off Mr. Adelson's mortgage by ourselves.

We walked over to the connected shopping mall, following the signs to the food court which turned out to be about a mile away, Dianne hobbling the entire way, cursing. All the restaurants were Asian food chains, and finally we split a tuna salad sandwich.

As you've probably figured out by now, Singapore is a city of shopping malls. And these are high end malls. A major trading port city, there's mucho bucks here. Touring the city, I saw about 20 Armani stores, not to mention Hermes and Burberry. This is an expensive city, and the malls reflect that. I'm sure the rents are not cheap, and the stores apparently do enough business to stay open and profitable.

Dominating the skyline at the harbor is the Singapore Flyer, the world's largest Ferris Wheel. It is more than 550 feet tall, and slightly larger than the London Eye. The thing with Asia is that if Europeans or Americans built something big, the Asians will build it bigger. The Flyer has 28 cars (seats), each of which can accommodate about 20 people. We had one to ourselves on a sunny but hazy morning. This wheel is so big that it takes 37 minutes to revolve. In the meantime, we had spectacular views of this vibrant city and the harbor. In the harbor, ships were lined up as far as the eye could see.

We took a sightseeing boat ride on the Singapore River to absorb the history of the city and to take in the older British colonial style buildings juxtaposed with ultra modern skyscrapers on both sides of the river. At the boat launch we had our choice of restaurants for lunch. We chose Hooters which is similar to Hooters in the U.S. except that all the waitresses are Asian. The food is the same as in the States. After days of Asian food, we were happy to eat American.

We caught the next bus for the Chinatown market. Virtually every city we've been to has a Chinatown, and Singapore is no exception. In fact the Chinese may be in the majority in Singapore. By the entrance is a huge Hindu Temple. We found that, as in Hong Kong, many of the merchants are Indian, especially in the many tailor shops. They'll make a men's or women's new suit or outfit in 3-4 hours. We weren't about the come back the next day, but if we were, we could have had some good deals. Although the New Year celebrations were over, the decorations were still intact, and the shops were promoting post New Year specials.

After an hour of shopping, we caught another bus to the 183 acre Botanic Gardens, another tribute to the naturalist Stamford Raffles. Because of the warm moist climate, year around, the vegetation is lush, to say the least. Orchids are common and very inexpensive in Singapore. The National Orchid Garden has 1000 species and another 2000 hybrid species of orchids. Dianne posed in front of the orchid named after the late British Princess Diana. It even has a 5 acre rainforest (formerly called a jungle) which predates the park.

SUMMARY AND THE TRIP HOME

The flight from Singapore to Chicago is not an easy one. We boarded a Japan Air flight to Tokyo--a 3300 mile flight in Business Class. The service was outstanding--but 6 1/2 hours is a long flight, and we would have another 12 hours or so after that. Tokyo is believed to be the world's largest city--about 30 million, and Narita airport is enormous. We had only a 2 hour layover, so we couldn't tour the city. Instead, I roamed around the duty free shops. I amused myself by calculating the prices of familiar items, converting from yen to dollars. For example
the large (1500 ml.) bottle of Louis XIII cognac was priced at 397,000 yen which is about $3100. You can do better at the Sam's Club back home. They keep that stuff under lock and key.

My parting impressions of the countries of Southeast Asia is that they are more advanced than the U.S. in many aspects. Not so much Vietnam and Thailand, but China, Hong Kong, Taiwan and Singapore are freewheeling business cultures. I was impressed with their high quality infrastructures. Their architecture and building projects eclipse those of U.S. cities. Certainly Chicago and New York are world class cities in this regard, but Shanghai, Hong Kong, Singapore and even Saigon can hold their own in many cases.

Everywhere we went we found the level of service to be high. The people are friendly to tourists and to us as Americans.

We visited the 3 busiest seaports in the world. The shopping malls we visited are enormous and garish compared to those in the U.S. though the store brands are pretty much the same. Obviously the Asians have plenty of money to spend because the luxury brands are prominently advertised on street corners and in every mall. In the rural areas, there is still poverty and subsistence farming. In Singapore, however, there are no rural areas.

In contrast to Europe, I saw no evidence of labor union influence. Asia has done a good job eliminating inefficiencies. Human rights are probably not high on their list of priorities. The cities appear to run like clockwork. We went to every corner of cities--even the poorer areas, and by and large the people go about their daily business like we do. They talk freely to us, but they steer clear of politics or criticizing their leaders.

The good news, as I see it, is that the U.S. and China are major trading partners, and for that reason I believe they recognize that war is out of the question. Wars are fought over national interests, and trade is too important to jeopardize. My observation is that in the Asian Tigers, trade and business are the highest priority--human rights is lower on the scale. I suppose that from their viewpoint, if everyone is doing well and prospering, human rights will take care of itself.

KENNETH SUSKIN 3/20/11

ASIAN ODYSSEY PART FIVE--THAILAND--BANG FOR THE BUCK IN BANGKOK

2011-03-13T15:01:00.000-07:00

We continued our odyssey through Southeast Asia, crossing the South China Sea and the Gulf of Thailand. Our ship docked at the port of Laem Chebang where, across the street is an enormous truck factory with thousands of Japanese trucks and cars parked in the lots. Even the Japanese farm out their manufacturing jobs--in this case, to Thailand.

Thailand, a country of 65 million people, used to be called Siam--until 1949. The Siamese were best known for twins and cats. Siam is a name derived from the Indian Sanskrit language. Apparently they decided to change the name of the country to intellectually distance it from foreign powers. Thailand is said to mean "land of the free" to express pride that it was never colonized by Western powers. That is true, although the French did try. To remain independent, Thailand's 19th Century rulers adroitly exploited the rivalry between the British and French in neighboring Burma and Indo-China.

As in the other countries of Southeast Asia, the principal religion is Buddhism, and there are numerous temples decked out in the unique Thai style. Incidentally, the Thai word wat mean temple as in the Cambodian Angkor Wat. Our guide explained the Buddhist religion with one word--karma. It means what goes around comes around. Buddhist are taught not to kill, steal, lie or commit adultery. That part sounds like some of the Ten Commandments.

Another common Thai word is bang which means "city" or "town". Thus, the biggest bang for the buck is "Bangkok", but we also have Laem Chebang, and many other cities with bang in them.

The country is ruled by the King, Bhumibol Adulyadej (don't ask me to pronounce it) who is now 84 years old. He has reigned since 1946 and is revered as a god. Criticizing him can land one in jail. His pictures are all over the place, but they were taken 30 years ago.

Close to our port is the large city of Pattaya, which is known as the sin city of Thailand. There is no gambling there (except maybe with your life), but much prostitution. The age of consent there is about 9. It is reputed that men from all over Asia and even American go there if they are into girls, guys, kids, transgender, you name it. The word was spread by American GI's who went there for R & R during the Vietnam War. Today it is illegal (in the U.S.) for Americans to travel there for such immoral purposes. Other than the aforementioned nightlife, Pattaya has museums, parks and looks like any other modern city.

BANGKOK

Whatever the case, we chose not to travel there. We went the other direction, about 100 miles to Bangkok, the nation's capital and largest city. Bangkok is a city of 9 million straddling the Chao Phraya River. It it filled with waterways and canals and is often referred to as the Venice of the East. The 10-12 lane superhighway to Bangkok was well maintained. As in Vietnam and other countries we visited, it was a toll road. Along the way, we saw coconut and tapioca plantations. As we entered Bangkok, we passed the modern Suvarnabhumi ("golden land") Airport which has a monorail train connecting into downtown. The airport has a Chicago connection--it was designed by architect Helmut Jahn. The monorail was built by the Germans and Chinese.

Bangkok has some very beautiful attractions. The largest and most beautiful is the Grand Palace which is a combination of a historical Disneyland and the House on the Rock. This is a place where God would live if He had the money. The "wow" factor is evident at every turn where one sees a new pagoda or a brightly painted temple in the unique Thai architecture. The Grand Palace is the official residence of the kings of Thailand since the 1700's. The King doesn't live there now, but they still use it for official functions.

In building it, they started small, and every time they accumulated some money, they built another structure, and these structures are awe inspiring. The most spectacular is the Temple of the Emerald Buddha (Wat Phra Kaew) which we removed our shoes and visited. It was completed in 1785 as the King's personal place of worship.

In Bangkok's Chinatown we explored Wat Traimit, the Temple of the Golden Buddha. As you've probably determined from my previous articles, the Buddhists spare no expense in religious extravagance, and I mean that in a positive way. Because Dianne was still wearing a cast on her foot, we were shown to a private elevator and whisked to the 4th floor to see the famous statue.

This is the world's largest solid gold (actually 83% gold) Buddha, 15 feet tall and weighing in at 5 1/2 tons. With gold selling for $1400 or so an ounce, the U.S. could balance the budget with this thing. This statue was cast during the 13th Century and was covered with plaster and lacquer, probably to discourage looters. The authorities didn't known what they had until 1955 when they decided to move it to its present location on the 4th floor at Wat Traimir. While moving it, the ropes broke, and some of the plaster chipped off, revealing the gold underneath. The Buddhists enforce a dress code, and everyone must remove their shoes and hats to go into the temple. Shorts are not allowed. If a tourist shows up wearing them, they are given baggy, gaudily printed pajama pants to wear inside and look ridiculous. Some members of our group did look awfully silly wearing them.

We boarded a boat for a ride down the river and canals among the colorful small boats and water taxis. Merchants load their goods on small boats and sell them to the inhabitants living along the river in their quaint houses.

In the markets we could find good bargains in jewelry and carved elephants. The outdoor grills and food stands smelled good, but we weren't sure if our stomachs could handle it. On the traffic congested streets, tuk-tuks are the favored mode of transportation. These are small taxis, about the size of golf carts, weaving in and out of traffic. They are named for the sound of the small engines. We were told to steer clear of con-men, which is good advice in any major city.

KO SAMUI

On our second day in Thailand, we visited Ko Samui, a trendy island filled with resorts and beaches, not to mention coconut and rubber plantations. We tendered to shore because the

port city, the famous Nathon, doesn't have the facilities to handle large ships. Our ship was anchored a mile or two offshore. We signed up for the tour to see the Namuang Safari Park, a cultural theme park, we we could get up close and personal with the elephants.

The entertainment at the safari park included watching the trained monkey (on a leash) climb the coconut palm tree and throw down the coconuts. The locals gather up the coconuts and use one gadget to split the coconuts in half and another to scoop out the meat into a bowl. They then pour water into it and mash it into a gooey paste and make delicious coconut milk.

The other attraction is the elephant rides. We climbed onto a platform so we could step off onto the animal's back into a chair seating two. Dianne was still wearing a cast on her ankle and carrying a crutch, but she was able (with great difficulty) to balance on the fidgety elephant to climb on. The driver sat directly on the elephant's head. The elephant started walking up and down the trails through the jungle for probably a mile or so. The trails are very narrow and flanked by rocky outcroppings. The 9 foot tall elephant sways from side to side, and you'd better hang on tight, because if you fall, you're dead, literally. The drop off down to the river is very steep and rocky. this was scary! Fortunately for us, the elephant completed the trail without incident, and we gratefully climbed off.

After the elephant ride, they presented a circus type show in which the elephants climbed onto platforms and stood up and performed other tricks like spinning hula hoops. They talked an unfortunate tourist volunteer into lying down while the elephant put his foot on the tourist's back. The elephants are well trained, and no tourists were trampled that day. We got some good photos when they brought the elephants over so we could pet them while they ran their trunks over us.

Indian elephants are significantly smaller than their African cousins, but they still weigh a few tons. They eat over 500 pounds of food a day, including bananas, leaves, papayas and even peanuts. They also drink a lot of water. They leave deposits along the trail, the size of softballs.

Before we left, we saw on the news that Thailand and Cambodia were fighting s shooting war on the frontier, but we saw no evidence of it on our trip. We haven't heard any more about it, and don't know who won, but we didn't have a dog in that fight.

NEXT: Singapore, the Alpha Asian Tiger

KENNETH SUSKIN

3/13/11

ASIAN ODYSSEY PART FOUR--VIET NAM--HOME OF THE BIG DONG

2011-03-02T20:19:00.000-08:00

After 40 years or so, I finally got my opportunity to travel to Vietnam, but the U.S. Government was not paying my way. Visiting Vietnam is a culture shock for me. We didn't know how they would react to Americans, but as it turns out, about 75% of the 86 million population was born since 1975, so they by and large have no memory of Americans and the war. We found the Vietnamese to be friendly to us as Americans. Incidentally, they refer to the wars of the 1950's and '60's as the "French War" and the "American War".

Before you think my mind is in the gutter, consider that dong is the Vietnamese word for money, and the exchange rate is about 15,000 to the dollar. Thus, we became instant millionaires upon our arrival in Vietnam. Several people in our tour exchanged dollars for the colorful dong notes, but the street vendors also accept dollars.

Our ship sailed into the seaport Chan May, north of Danang and about 60 miles South of Hue. Hue sounds colorful, but it is in fact pronounced "way". Actually, the city IS quite colorful, but after about 20 straight days of rain, the colors were hard to find. The highway trip to Hue was an adventure. Highway 1, a toll road is the main highway in Vietnam but is not well maintained. There are many potholes and loose gravel. The default position is driving on the center line of the road, but our bus found itself often driving on the wrong side or even the shoulder of the 2 lane highway to avoid the potholes and to pass slower moving vehicles. Drivers pass on curves and even when traffic is approaching, swerving at the last moment--playing "chicken" at 40 mph. Everyone on the road uses his horn liberally--Get outa my way or I'll run you over! I'm sure they have a lot of accidents, and we weren't told how they handle them or whether people carry insurance.

According to the World Health Organization, the traffic related death rate is among the highest in the world. In 2009, Vietnam reported 11,500 traffic related deaths, but experts contend the actual death rate is double that. (the U.S. has about 38,000 annual traffic related deaths) The government has raised the traffic fines significantly in an effort to reduce the accident rates.

Most of the people drive small motor scooters, and it amazes me that a family of 4 can fit on one, but they do. We're not talking Harleys here. The law requires adults to wear helmets, and they do so, but their little kids go without helmets. Fortunately for them, the scooters don't go very fast, or the death rate would be even higher.

In the countryside, rice paddies and coffee plantations stretch on for miles. In the U.S. we've seen the 1960's images of Vietnamese people wearing conical shaped hats, driving water buffalo, and these stereotype images have not changed, even today. Many people going to and from the market balance two loads on a long pole across the shoulder. Signs along the road extol the popular beers, Huda and Festival. Many businesses have the word ngoc in their names.
That word can mean either "precious Jewel" or "idiot", depending on inflection when you say it. The Vietnamese language uses Western letters with vowels over them, as opposed to Chinese style characters.

Although Vietnam is obviously a Third World country, the people are becoming more prosperous. Behind their shacks, we often see fairly new substantial brick or stucco two story houses. Roadside pagodas are everywhere.

HUE

Hue, a city of 340,000, was the Vietnamese capital from 1802 to 1945. We visited the old imperial capital of Hue where the emperor used to live. the capital, on the bank of the Perfume River, is a large walled Citadel which we toured. Inside was a "Forbidden City" where the emperor lived. It was "forbidden" in the sense that ordinary citizens were not allowed to enter. We also visited the verdant grounds and mausoleum of the emperor Tu Duc. He had 100 concubines and no kids. Apparently he was impotent because of smallpox. When he died in 1883, the concubines were buried with him. It's not clear whether they knew that going in, and emperor probably didn't carry life insurance to support them after his death.

In his 36 year reign, Tu Duc was known for his Confucianism and his opposition to foreigners and innovation. He was the last independent emperor although the country at that time was actually a vassal of China. During his reign, he and the Chinese got into a war with the French and managed to lose. The French haven't won a lot of wars since then, but they controlled Vietnam and Indo-China until 1954 except during the Japanese occupation in World War II.

The original emperor of the Nguyen (pronounced "won") Dynasty unified Vietnam in 1802. He had 150 kids and presumably big child support payments. Not surprisingly, with all those kids, Nguyen is the most common name in Vietnam, and it's also in the top 50 or so in Los Angeles.

Most of the people are Buddhists, and there are about 300 pagodas in Hue, and we visited or passed by most of them. Many tourists took the sightseeing rides on the Dragon Boats which plied the Perfume river. We elected not to do so.

We had a fine buffet lunch at the Green Hotel, which reminds me of the Purple Hotel, but it's painted green. By Vietnamese standards, this is a nice hotel. At lunch they served us a delicious meal of seafood soup, calamari, BBQ pork, beef, chicken, duck and vegetables. Contrary to Western belief, dog and cat were not on the menu.

SAIGON

Although the official name is Ho Chi Minh city, almost nobody calls it that. Saigon is a huge city of 3.5 million, and we visited many of the interesting and important sights. We found the streets and infrastructure to be better maintained than in the rural areas. The French influence in this former capital of South Vietnam is strong, especially in the colonial architecture. Like other major Asian cities, the tall buildings are encased in smog.

Saigon was in a festive mood, as it was New Year's Day, the Year of the Cat. Everywhere else in Asia, it is the Year of the Rabbit. It was not clear why Vietnam is different.

The streets were decked out in bright reds and yellows. Yellow flowers were set out on every street. People, especially children in dragon costumes paraded about with small marching bands. Streets were blocked off for the partying. 3-3-3 Beer was flowing from every tap. At night they exploded fireworks. At least they weren't shooting at us--as in Hue, the people appear to like Americans.

Notre Dame Cathedral and Central Post Office.

Both were built by the French in the 19th Century. the Central Post Office was designed by the great architect, Gustave Eiffel in 1886. You may recall his famous towers in Paris and Las Vegas, as well as the Statue of Liberty. The Notre Dame Cathedral across the street was completed in 1880 and was intended to display the greatness of French civilization. It is a Gothic style with 2 bell towers which were added in 1895. The post office resembles a European railroad station and is a prime tourist attraction. People lined up to purchase stamps for collecting or to send postcards overseas.

Chinatown

It's amazing to me that virtually every city in the world that we've visited has a Chinatown, so why should Saigon be any different. We went into a smoky Buddhist temple and watched the worshippers burning handfuls of incense sticks and praying on their knees in observance of the New Year.

National History Museum

This museum was conceived by the leaders of Vietnam to tell the history of the country in their words. Prominently displayed is the huge statue of the revered Ho Chi Minh. Ho ho, Ho! We were told that their wars of the 1950's and '60's were really about reunification of the country. The fact that the new leaders were Communist and they had to "re-educate" the South Vietnamese after 1975 was incidental to the story. In any event, in recent years, the Vietnamese leadership has begun adopting policies similar to those in China encouraging business and trade--we call it capitalism although they don't.

We were entertained by a traditional Vietnamese water puppet show which is considered a must see on the tourist circuit; although kids probably appreciated it more than did the adults.

Presidential Palace

This imposing mansion was formerly the home of the presidents of South Vietnam. In 1975, the name of the palace was changed to the Reunification Palace to commemorate the reunification of the country. Outside on the lawn is a replica of Tank No. 843 which burst through the gate at that time to end the American War. This palace is a time warp from the 1960's with phones, radios and office equipment from that era. The tour guide led us through the War Room in the basement where the American War policies were conducted.

Majestic Hotel

The historic Majestic Hotel, now a 5-star hotel, was built in 1925 on the waterfront by the Saigon River. This 6-story structure in French Colonial and classical French Riviera styles has a rich history. Back in the 1960's, this hotel was the headquarters for the international press corps and espionage agents from several countries. The hotel was taken over by the government in 1975, and the name was changed, and used as army barracks. However, in recent years, the hotel was renovated to its old glory and the original name restored. We had a wonderful buffet lunch and were entertained by a troupe in traditional dress singing Vietnamese songs. The lobby and dining room are decked out with bright colored murals depicting life in the Colonial period.

Old City Hall

We visited the square next to the famous Rex Hotel and across from the old City Hall, now called the Peoples Committee Hall, the headquarters of the Communist Party. The inside of the building is not open to the public. The lushly landscaped square in front is a favored spot for taking photos in front of the Statue of Bac Ho, apparently another name for--guess who--Ho Chi Minh.

Driving out of Saigon on the main street--there are no expressways--we saw ubiquitous "Ga ran Kentucky" signs on the KFC restaurants. Upscale stores like Cartier, Louis Vuitton, and Chanel were represented; 7-11's were on every other block, but I didn't see a McDonalds.

The government of Vietnam has become more enlightened over the past 30 years, going the way of the People's Republic of China (PRC). The authorities are encouraging small business and new ventures are appearing everywhere. Vietnam is still 20 years behind the PRC, but they're catching up. Vietnamese are entrepreneurial as we've seen with their immigrants in the U.S. We saw many factories near the port, manufacturing goods for export to the West. Keep in mind that Vietnam is a Communist country, and we saw many reminders of that on billboards, but there were no restrictions on our travel. Our guide told us that the people are free to travel abroad.

Vietnam is socially conservative. Arranged marriages are common, especially in the rural areas. Pre-marital sex is frowned upon. The government distributes condoms--or was it condominiums? In any event, a young man on a date probably needs both. Babies born out of wedlock are often abandoned. There are many TV channels, but no sex channel.

Vietnam appears to be prospering, at least in the cities, as the government is loosening its restrictions on commerce. It is no longer emboldened to strict Communist ideologies, although I have no information on its human rights policies. There is only one political party and criticism of the government would probably land a dissenter in prison. In the future, Vietnam will be an economic power to be reckoned with.

NEXT: THAILAND--MORE BANG FOR THE BUCK IN BANGKOK

ASIAN ODYSSEY PART THREE--HONG KONG--FINANCIAL CENTER--JUNK BONDS AND JUNKS

2011-02-25T08:09:00.000-08:00

We stayed two days at this World Class city. Hong Kong is really over the top. Although this former British colony has been a part of China since 1997, it is one of the freest and business friendly cities in the world. As you walk from the port through the city on Nathan Road, the major commercial street, you can feel the excitement and vibrancy. For the past 200 years or so, Hong Kong has been described as an "entrepot", a warehouse and trading center without import and export duties. Singapore is another. The busy port of Hong Kong receives goods from all over Asia and ships them to the West.

This tiny "nation" of 5 million has limited land to expand, so every available piece of land is utilized. Businesses are crammed into tiny alcoves, maybe 5 feet wide, with merchandise on the walls up to the ceiling. Street vendors abound. Many of the people milling about on the street are hawkers attempting to entice the tourists into their stores to buy tailored suits and dresses, handbags and knockoff watches. Most of the tailors are from India. Hong Kong is truly a melting port, as one sees people of many nationalities mingling in the markets.

We visited vertical shopping malls where it was difficult to locate the exit. We got lost in several enormous shopping malls over the course of our trip, mainly because I couldn't understand the maps at the information centers. I don't read Chinese very well.

Signs for Rolex watches are all over the place. Some of these watches may even be real. Western restaurants like Outback, TGI Fridays, Starbucks, McDonalds and KFC are well represented. On a prominent street corner is a Shakey's Pizza--I haven't see one of those in a long time. I was window shopping and spotted a sale for designer silk ties. The Indian hawker grabbed me and brought me into the store where I purchased several high quality ties for about $5 apiece (American). Close to the port we visited a store selling carved Chinese jade--some pieces were for sale at 5 million HK ($700,000 U.S.). In Hong Kong, as well as most of the countries we visited, American money is accepted.

One thing I found unusual was that in Hong Kong they speak Cantonese, while in Shanghai they speak Mandarin. Cantonese and Mandarin speakers literally cannot understand one another--like an Englishman and Frenchman attempting to converse. However, the Chinese characters for both languages are the same, as they represent ideas rather than sounds. Thus, the Cantonese speaker can write a letter (or email) to the Mandarin speaker, and they will both understand.

At dusk, we rode a double decked bus ride through the financial district, teeming with people, as we observed the daily lives of the natives. I sat on top of the bus while Dianne rode inside on the lower level, because she was still nursing her leg injuries and had difficulty with stairs. Many of the largest buildings house banks, insurance companies and other financial institutions, not to mention hotels.

Each night, they put on a spectacular laser light show--the props are the high rise buildings overlooking the harbor with computerized lights operating in sync. After the show, we had dinner at the floating Peking Garden restaurant--guess what!--Chinese food. We dined on a delicious 11 course meal including Peking duck, bok choi, octopus, sweet and sour chicken, Singapore curry noodles, noodles with soy, fried rice with vegetables, egg foo yung, and dim sum dumplings. I enjoyed dinner very much.

After dinner we went to the Temple Street Night Market--the day market is located somewhere else. Haggling over prices is expected, and if you know quality, you can get some good buys. We purchased a cashmere Burberry scarf for Dianne for about $7. It was probably a knockoff, but it was of good quality. At the same stall, a bright orange Harley-Davidson windbreaker caught my eye, and I schlocked 'em down to about $30 (U.S.), but then decided to purchase a red and black Ferrari jacket for the same price.

The next day when we took a harbor cruise on a sampan, it was as cold as San Francisco harbor in July. I was very happy to wear that warm jacket. Many people live on the harbor on small houseboats--Chinese junks, presumably in junkyards, financing them with junk bonds.

We visited a jewelry factory where we listened to a lecture on jewelry. This is geared more for the women tourists. As in tours in other cities we have visited, after the lecture, the doors opened and we were greeted by an army of salespeople that descended on us like mosquitoes. Every price is negotiable, but we didn't buy anything there.

HISTORY OF HONG KONG

Going back to the 1700's, the British imported huge amounts of tea from China. In return England exported luxury manufactured goods to China. The English suffered a large trade imbalance for which the Chinese insisted they be paid in silver. Silver was expensive, and to correct the trade imbalance, the British decided to export less expensive opium to China. The opium was imported from India. Many Chinese became addicted, and for obvious reasons the Chinese emperor banned opium. The British continued to smuggle in opium, and when the Chinese resisted, the British source of income went away, and war broke out--the First Opium War (1839-42). The British won, and the prize was Hong Kong Island.

The British Parliament was upset. The loudest voice was that of the newly elected William Gladstone, a future prime minister, who believed that England should have gotten more. They demoted their chief negotiator, Captain Elliott. They effectively shipped him to Siberia--in this case the obscure Republic of Texas where he was appointed Charge d'Affaires.

Several years later, the British felt their merchants were mistreated by the Chinese, and the Second Opium War (1856-60) broke out. The British won that one also, the spoils being the Kowloon Peninsula.

In 1898, the British needed additional land for the defense of the colony, and they signed the Second Convention of Peking, giving the British a 99 year lease for the New Territories, 368 square miles of islands and mainland, adjacent to Kowloon. The lease expired in 1997. Although Hong Kong and Kowloon were given to the British in perpetuity, by the terms of the Sino British Joint Declaration of 1984, the British agreed to turn over the whole ball of wax to the Peoples Republic of China in 1997, which they ultimately did. China agreed to keep Hong Kong as a separate entity, and retain its separate and unique character as a trading center. Many feel the ultimate solution to reconcile China and Taiwan would be a similar arrangement. Hong Kong residents must obtain visas to travel to Mainland China.

Despite the changing of the guard, most of the streets have retained their British names. There is a Queen Elizabeth Hospital. There are 5 streets named after Queen Victoria plus Upper Albert Road and Lower Albert Road, named after her husband. There is a Prince Edward Road, a Gloucester Road (after the Duke of Gloucester), and Edinburgh Place (after Prince Philip, the Duke of Edinburgh). There is even a Princess Margaret Road.

Victoria Peak is still Victoria Peak. We rode the funicular railway up to the 1800 foot peak at a 45 degree angle. At the top is a large shopping mall, public parks and expensive houses overlooking the world class skyline and Victoria harbor. Between 1904 and 1930, the British authorities did not allow Chinese to live on the Peak, although now it is essentially based on wealth.

Hong Kong is truly an Asian Tiger, a center of commerce and banking, with a high standard of living. We thoroughly enjoyed our visit to this dynamic city-state built on free trade.

NEXT: Ken Goes to Viet Nam but the U.S. Government Will Not Pay for the Trip.

ASIAN ODYSSEY PART TWO--OKINAWA AND TAIWAN

2011-02-18T19:32:00.000-08:00

OKINAWA

We boarded the Ocean Princess with about 680 other passengers and set sail for Okinawa, in the Ryukyu Islands, south of Japan. Actually, Okinawa is part of Japan, the smallest of 47 prefectures (states) in Japan. We landed in Naha, the capital, a city of 300,000. Okinawa is a strategic island, situated in the middle of the trade route between Japan, China and Southeast Asia. As such, it was worth the price of a major battle during World War II when much of the island was destroyed. The Japanese had heavily fortified the island, and it was honeycombed with tunnels. Today, a large U.S. military base still operates there and significantly helps the economy.

We visited the beautiful Shurijo Castle, a World Heritage Site, which was destroyed in the war and has been completely restored. It is painted vermilion red. the architecture is Chinese, but the interior is Japanese, with mats covering the floors. There's not much else to see in Okinawa, and we returned to Kokosai Street in Naha to do some shopping in the market.

There is an elevated monorail railway which runs the length of the island. We rode a tour bus however. On the main street, we quickly located the McDonald's, which we do in every city we visit. We were walking with a couple of elderly ladies from Oregon who were on our bus. Millie and I started talking, and it turned out she was also an Illini--from the Class of 1953. Her late husband was a lobbyist in Springfield, and she knew every major Illinois politician of her era, several of whom were later fitted for striped suits. Millie was a fan of Chief Illiniwek, whom we both mourn the passing, caused by political correctness run amok.

We went to the public market where Dianne tried on kimonos. There is a distinct way of fitting it and wrapping it around. We took several photos of the experience.

AUSTRALIA DAY

We returned to the ship for a day at sea the following day, January 26th, which was Australia Day. This is a major Australian holiday to commemorate the 1788 founding of the first White settlement there. (The first Black settlement was about 30,000 years ago, on a Tuesday, but the date was not recorded.) The (white) settlement was at Botany Bay, commanded by the British Captain Arthur Phillip who sailed with 11 ships, 759 convicts (191 were female), 13 children of convicts, 211 marines (with 46 wives), etc.

Our ship was decked out in green and yellow, the Australian colors. Several of the crew entertainers are Australian, and they passed out green and yellow leis for us to wear. I asked if they saw Sydney and Adelaide. They said no, but they saw Fred and Sylvia on the ship.

The Asia cruises bear little resemblance to Caribbean cruises. There were no first time cruisers or honeymooners as far as I know. This cruise was for adventurers, not sunbathers, although there were a few. Most of the people I talked to had been around the world, some both ways. Many had cruised to Antarctica.

We participated in the trivia contests, which we did on most sea days. Usually, the contest was won by "Mr. Clark" sitting in the back of the room who was well known by the crew members. As it turns out, "Mr. Clark", actually Brian, or if you're dyslexic, "Brain", and his wife Isabel spend most of their lives on cruise ships. A British couple, officially living in British Columbia, they have logged over 2600 days--about 8 years--cruising. Since they've been around the world a few times, I considered them to be the mavens of any upcoming port. The next day, we were scheduled to land at Keelung, Taiwan. Mr. Clark said it rains 365 days a year there. We asked, "What about Leap Year?" He replied, "then it snows!". That is his sense of humor.

He also told me the story of an elderly woman who essentially used the ship as her retirement home. He didn't identify the cruise line. On an Antarctic cruise, she was dying, and they kicked her off the ship. They don't walk the plank anymore, but they ferried her to South Georgia Island where she died. They didn't want her to die on the ship--too much paperwork.

The ship has activities for everyone, and they are listed in the daily newsletter, called the Princess Patter. I called it the Pitty Pat, after the GWTW character. So if you're a friend of Bill W., you can meet with him. (I know that's the AA group.) There was no listing for Friends of Bill (FOB) who held the good jobs during the Clinton Administration. But I was trying to figure out who are "Friends of Dorothy". I was planning to go and find out, but Dianne told me to stay away. As it turned out Dorothy sat at our table at dinner, and we became good friends, but she insisted she wasn't that Dorothy. I never got to meet the other Dorothy.

TAIPEI, TAIWAN--THE OTHER CHINA

Taiwan has an interesting history. It was Japanese from 1895-1945 when it was returned to China. It was called Formosa which was the name given by the Portuguese. The main island is located 100 miles off the coast of mainland China, but it also includes 79 islands, some of which are as close as 1 mile from the mainland. In 1949, Chiang Kai Shek, the president of Nationalist China fled there with his government when the Communists took over mainland China. The Chicoms have been attempting to get Taiwan since that time, isolating it diplomatically and periodically threatening it with military action. Given that acrimonious history between the two Chinas, one would expect the two to have little or no contact with each other. But Mainland China is Taiwan's biggest trading partner (Hong Kong is fifth). Many mainland factories are owned by Taiwanese. Taiwanese frequently travel to the mainland. Taiwanese natives are a minority on the island--most people are Chinese, from the mainland.

Taiwan, officially called the Republic of China, is an Asian Tiger, a strong, highly developed market based economy. There are four Asian Tigers--Taiwan, Singapore, South Korea and Hong Kong. Taiwan is heavily industrialized, and is a leader in information technology. It is the world's leading manufacturer of computer chips.In the Asian competition for the tallest buildings, Taipei, the capital city is right up there. This is a prestige competition, and Taiwan 101 is the representative--a 101 story building, which was partially obscured by the smog and haze.

We visited the Chiang Kai-Shek Memorial, a magnificent building flanked by the National Concert Hall and the National Theater, all in traditional Chinese architecture. The building is a tribute to the Generalissimo, a cult figure, who died in 1975. The Memorial contains a huge bronze statue of Chiang, in traditional Chinese dress. It is guarded by servicemen with an hourly changing of the guard. Exploring different halls, we saw photos and artifacts of Chiang's life.

CHIANG KAI-SHEK

Chiang Kai-Shek was a protege of Dr. Sun Yat Sen who led the 1911 Revolution which overthrew the Qing Dynasty. Chiang was the leader of Kuomintang (Nationalist Party) which exists to this day. Even today, Chiang is a controversial figure.During World War II, he was known in Pentagon circles as General Cash-My-Cheque because of the huge amount of financial aid he kept requesting to fight the Japanese and the Communists. General Joseph "Vinegar Joe" Stilwell, (no relation to "Vinegar Bend" Mizell, former baseball pitcher and congressman), the head of U.S. Forces in China, Burma and India, argued that Chiang was incompetent as both a leader and a general. Stilwell often rankled Chiang, probably getting off on the wrong foot when Stilwell originally called him "Mr. Shek". Eventually, the charismatic Chiang prevailed, and the outspoken Stilwell was replaced. Chiang may have been a SOB, but he was our SOB. He is revered in Taiwan to this day, so be careful what you say about him.

CHANGING OF THE GUARD--MARTYR'S SHRINE.

The Martyr's Shrine is the national cemetery honoring Taiwanese war dead. The Changing of the Guard is a spectacle to be seen. Six guards with gleaming rifles and shiny boots with cymbals attached to their heels, perform elaborate routines of heel clicking, rifle tossing and bayonet twirling in perfect execution.

TAIPEI CONFUCIUS TEMPLE.

This is another magnificent example of Chinese architecture with several pagodas still in use as a shrine by the Chinese parishioners. Dianne had an accident there. While descending the narrow steps to the ladies room, she fell and severely injured her ankle (torn ligaments) and bruised the other knee, requiring stitches. She was confined to a wheelchair for the rest of the Taiwan tour. For the last 2 weeks of the trip, she wore a walking cast and used a crutch. But there was no way she was terminating the trip, and she hobbled over to see virtually all the attractions for the balance of the trip.

NATIONAL PALACE MUSEUM

This museum features thousands of ancient Chinese artifacts and artworks collected by Chinese emperors over thousands of years. The artworks were removed from the museum in the Forbidden City in Beijing in 1931 to protect them from the Japanese invaders. They were moved from city to city over the years, and during the Chinese Civil War, moved to Taiwan. The Peoples Republic of China (PRC) has demanded the return of these objects over the years, but the Taiwanese insisted that the items were safe with them, particularly during the Great Cultural Revolution under Mao. In recent years, both Taiwan and Mainland China have exchanged articles for exhibition.

GRAND HOTEL

This is a luxury hotel, an enormous vermilion red pagoda which I had difficulty capturing on the camera. Completed in 1973, it is the world's tallest Chinese classical building, at 285 feet high. It is decorated with traditional dragons as well as lion and plum flower motifs. When it was built, it was the tallest building in Taiwan. We ate a decadent lunch at the buffet with every imaginable type of Chinese food available.

NEXT; HONG KONG, FINANCIAL CENTER OF ASIA, or IF YOU HAVE A FLEET OF JUNKS, YOU FINANCE THEM WITH JUNK BONDS.

ASIAN ODYSSEY--CAN WE FIND GOOD CHOP SUEY IN SHANGHAI?

2011-02-15T18:31:00.000-08:00

We began our Odyssey in Chicago on January 19th, flying 14 1/2 hours in Business Class on American Airlines. The plane flew almost due North, rather than West as one might expect. during that long plane ride, I read a book about Magellan, the famed explorer, whose ship was the first to circumnavigate the globe. Unfortunately for Magellan, he didn't get to finish the trip. He was killed in the Philippines when he foolishly intervened in a war between two local tribes. The airplane food was excellent. The appetizer was char sin duck and crab bundles. The main courses were chicken panang or beef filet with fayot sauce or ginger pesto salmon. I had the salmon.

We flew over Lake Superior, Canada, the North Pole, Siberia, and eventually Shanghai, China, which is at the same approximate latitude as Dallas and San Diego. You'd expect it to be warm, but no! We thought we had left the snow behind in Chicago, but when we arrived in Shanghai, it was snowing there also. Virtually the entire flight was in daylight, except over the Arctic.

At Pudong International Airport, no marching bands awaited us. In fact, in mid-afternoon, this huge airport in this city of 19 million was almost deserted. The authorities had difficulty with the portable stairway because of ice, and eventually they had to tow the plane back to the gate so we could disembark. airplanes have no reverse gear. We sat on the tarmac for an hour, waiting for the tow truck.

The reason for all of this was that they closed the airport because of the snowstorm--they had maybe 3 inches but they don't have snow equipment.

In any event, the Shanghai Hilton sent a car to pick us up but the driver was not there when we proceeded through customs. Fortunately the airport people were friendly and they directed us to the Hilton booth and then walked us to the car with out 4 suitcases. We drove through Shanghai on modern expressways past large apartment complexes. We crossed the spectacular Lupu Bridge, the world's second longest arch bridge with a main span almost 2,000 feet. We reached the Hilton, a classy hotel with 800 guest rooms and a huge lobby with several restaurants in it. At check-in, they whisked us up to the 38th floor to the Executive lobby which offers free computers and Internet as well as a huge complimentary buffet breakfast. The hotel gave us a personal shopper, Anna, who showed us to our room, a suite with all the amenities including 6 foot bath towels. Tourism is important to the Chinese, and they treated us very well. We were extremely tired from jet lag and crashed about 7 P.M.

The next morning, we signed up for a Gray Line tour, which we like to do in any city unfamiliar to us. We were picked up in a 10 passenger van by our guide Roy and the bus driver Mr. Xu (pronounced "Shu"). Two other tourists were on our tour, Gopi from Mumbai and Gladys from Malaysia. We got to know these ladies as well as the city of Shanghai. Incidentally Shang means "above" and hai means "sea". City above the sea! Shanghai is the world's second busiest seaport, close behind Singapore. We were bundled up for the cold, but most of the snow had been removed.

The city was preparing for the coming Chinese New Year in 10 days of so. Bright red lanterns, dragons and other decorations adorned most buildings and spanned the streets. This New Year is the Year of the Rabbit, and cute bunny rabbits were part of the decorations. It is customary for Chinese people to return to their hometowns for the New Year to be with family. This is not like Americans leaving town for the Fourth of July weekend--the New Year celebrations go on for about 40 days. The Chinese have an annual mass exodus, and Shanghai was not as crowded as it might have been. The streets are very clean, but the air is polluted, though not as bad as other Chinese cities like Beijing. A haze lingers over the city, partially obscuring the tall buildings. Many locals wear white masks covering the mouth and nose to filter the air or because the mask is perceived to prevent airborne diseases. Some ladies wear them to keep their skin fair--a sign of beauty.

Shanghai has a long and rich history. For more than a century, the European powers and the Japanese took advantage of the Chinese and established trading concessions in China, especially in Shanghai, but also Hong Kong, Macao and other cities. There's a French area, a German area, a British area, even a Jewish neighborhood. All this ended in 1949 when the Communists took over.

Some of the highlights of Shanghai include:

YU GARDENS

We visited the famous Yu Gardens, built 400 years ago during the Ming Dynasty. In the middle of the city is a peaceful, classical garden with pagodas, fountains, ponds and snow covered flowers. Just outside is the Yu Yuan Fashion Street and antique zone (Old Town)

with small shops selling arts and crafts and fast food restaurants featuring the popular dish dim sum (steamed or fried dumplings) and also a McDonalds.

TEA HOUSE

We were taken to a tea house. Needless to say, tea is popular in China. The Chinese have an ancient ritual of making tea, and the lady demonstrated that for us. She reached into a jar and pulled out what appeared to be a walnut and dropped it into a pot of hot water. In a minute or so, it spreads out and blossoms. The water is poured into our cups and we have tea. We brought home a box.

JADE BUDDHIST TEMPLE

Most Chinese are Buddhists, as well as Confucians and Taoists. These religions are not mutually exclusive the way Western religions are. they are syncretic. People are often all three. The Chinese go to this temple to pray. They grab incense sticks and light them at a communal fire and present them to the Buddha statue. The temple is unheated, and on this cold day, any fire was welcome. There are several golden and jade Buddhas in the temple including a Laughing Buddha and a Reclining Buddha, not to mention a large reclining marble Buddha donated by Singapore. These were brought to Shanghai by the monk Hui Geng who obtained them on a pilgrimage in Burma. We took photos but were careful not to disturb the parishioners.

SHANGHAI MUSEUM

This is a four story building with exhibits covering the entire history of China for the past 3-4 thousand years. Galleries are dedicated to ancient jades, calligraphy, furniture (Ming and Qing Dynasties), bronze, paintings and even arts and crafts by the 54 or so Chinese minority groups. We couldn't do justice to this huge museum in an hour, and we probably couldn't have absorbed it all, but we did experience a broad overview of Chinese culture.

SHANGHAI BUND

This is the waterfront quay on the Huangpu River which runs into the nearby Yangtze. The term Bund comes from the Hindi-Urdu language and means "embankment" or "levee", and is not to be confused with the German Bund. The Bund is a promenade along the river flanked by numerous Art Deco buildings from the 1920's and '30's which comprised the headquarters of the major banks of the era. Prominent among them is the Hong Kong and Shanghai Banking Corp. (HSBC) which you're probably familiar with today. Also one can see the Sassoon House, now the Peace Hotel, built by Victor Sassoon, a prominent British-Jewish merchant banker. He was instrumental in bringing thousands of European Jews to Shanghai (under Japanese occupation) during World War II. You may recall the famous hairdo of the 1970's by Vidal Sassoon, a distant relative.

Across the river is the relatively new Pudong New Area, the financial district with its beautiful skyscrapers. All built within the last 20 years, these buildings are architectural wonders. There is a statue of Mao Zedong and a memorial to the war dead. Shanghai even built a tunnel under the river to accommodate last year's Expo (World's Fair). They did it in less than a year, but then they didn't have to contend with impact studies, environmental lawsuits, labor unions, local politicians and other causes of delays. Contrast that with the shorter Boston tunnel which took about 20 years to build.

CHINESE COMMUNIST MUSEUM

This is an obligatory visit to pay homage to the predecessors of the current government which is Communist in name only. The Party was founded in 1921 in the French Concession in what was called the First National Communist Party Congress, which sounds more like a bank to me. The museum features plaques and documents, but none of us tourists cared to visit it in depth, and we walked past the building but did not venture inside.

CHINESE RESTAURANT

At lunchtime, the our Gang of Four sat down at the table and the waiters kept bringing us food. the guide told us the Chinese eat anything that moves (except for the car). Chicken sausage wrapped in bacon didn't agree with me. But I did enjoy fried beef, mushrooms and noodles, shrimp balls, spinach. We had pau, tasty Chinese spherical buns resembling large marshmallows, filled with custard or red beans. They did have spring rolls, or egg rolls as we call them. On every menu is the popular dim sum, the steamed dumplings. We saw no chop suey or chow mein, which were actually created in San Francisco.

SILK FACTORY

We were treated to a demonstration of unraveling silkworm cocoons on large looms, stretching them, and creating silk. then we were ushered into a large department store selling finished goods like dresses, shirts, scarves and ties.

PEARL FARM

Oysters are raised in a tank and seeded with the materials to allow them to make pearls. This particular species of oysters are not good for eating. The workman would slice open the oyster with a special type of knife and take out as many as 20 pearls from one oyster. Then we were taken next door to a showroom where an army of salespeople attempted to sell pearl jewelry to us.

WEDDING BRIDGE

The Waibaidu Bridge, the first drawbridge in Shanghai was built in 1907 by the British. It marks the North end of the Bund area. the Chinese (but not the Europeans) were required to pay toll to cross it. Eventually the Chinese purchased the bridge as a symbol of their nationalism. Many young people are eager to get married there because of the bridge's iconic status.

SHANGHAI METRO (SUBWAY)

On our second full day in Shanghai, we decided to explore the city on our own. The subway station is located 2 blocks from our hotel, across from the Jing 'An Temple, a famous Buddhists monastery looking misplaced amongst the high rises. Shanghai is an enormous city of 19 million people, and it has 9 subway lines fanning out in every direction. Of course, the maps and instructions are written in Chinese. There are no ticket agents--you must use automated machines. Hey, I have difficulty using these back home, but at least I can read the directions.

So I'm standing there with some 100 yuan notes (about $15), and I'm not sure if the machine makes change. We asked several people if they spoke English, and finally a young lady helped us figure out how to buy the tickets--only 3 yuan apiece. But I had to go outside and buy a bottle of water to get smaller bills. I put in a 10 and it spat out 4 coins change.

We decided to go to the Pu Dong Financial District and see the skyscrapers. We couldn't figure out which way on the Number 2 train. fortunately, another friendly person helped us out. We passed East Nanjing road and People's Square stops and arrived at Lujiazui Station. This is the financial district, all built since 1990, and these buildings are 1000 feet high or more--some of the tallest buildings in the world.

The major intersections have pedestrian overpasses reached by escalators. The through streets are 7 lanes each way, and those overpasses have probably saved many auto-pedestrian accidents. We walked around the intersection and found the Super Brand Mall, a large indoor shopping mall, the largest in Asia. It dwarfs anything in the U.S. Other than its size, this mall could be in any major American suburb except that all the customers are Chinese. The stores, however, are familiar to all of us. We window shopped at Best Buy, Sephora, Nautica, Louis Vuitton, Armani. We roamed through a department store featuring every familiar brand of lingerie. The food courts have McDonald's, Burger King, KFC, as well as Jiu Jitsu and several Asian food chains. I couldn't figure out the KFC chicken meals--the menus were, of course, in Chinese, so we went to McDonald's for burgers and fries. Actually, most foreigners point to a picture of the item and order it--we'll have the Number 3!

After lunch, we wanted to visit the distinctive iconic Pearl TV Tower--1000 feet high with large spheres around a concrete column. Street vendors were selling pictures of it outside. We didn't buy. The Shanghai Ocean Aquarium is next door, and we went inside. The admission is 140 yuan--about $22 apiece, and we had a beautiful experience there. We saw the shark tank and the sting rays as well as other exotic fish and marine life.

The tallest building, the Shanghai World Financial Center looks like a giant can opener, with a large cutout around the 100th floor. Nearby is the Jin Mao Tower, the 3rd tallest building in the world. Shanghai has the tallest buildings anywhere, including New York City. We later found out that Hong Kong and Singapore are certainly comparable as tall buildings go.

That evening, we took the night tour cruise on the river to see the brightly colored night lights covering the enormous buildings of the financial district. Shanghai was the leading financial center of Asia until 1949 when the banks all moved to Hong Kong after the Communist takeover. In recent years they have returned--with a vengeance.

CONCLUSIONS ABOUT SHANGHAI

We found the people to be friendly and accommodating. Most of the young people speak English although the older folks don't. We make it a point to observe people, and they appear to be prosperous and happy. They joke around like people do everywhere. The young Chinese girls are fresh faced and beautiful. The school kids wear uniforms and are as mischievous as kids everywhere. They are as curious of us as we are of them.

In 2010 Shanghai hosted the World Expo, attracting 73 million visitors. As infrastructure goes, no expense was spared. the superhighways, tunnels and pedestrian overpasses are well maintained and clean. If Chicago is the City of Big Shoulders (as Carl Sandburg described it), Shanghai is the 800 pound gorilla. Everything is huge. Despite it all, I was told that street crime is rare, and felt safe everywhere.

The government is Communist and totalitarian but perceived as beneficial as long as one doesn't rock the boat. To limit population growth, the government limits the number of children a couple can have and can force a woman to have an abortion. Back in the 1970's, Deng Xiao Ping essentially embraced capitalism although he didn't dare call it that. He figured out that a market based economy works better than the Communist system, and his famous quote was "I don't care what color the cat is so long as it catches mice." In the process, many have said that Deng Xiao Ping helped more people prosper than anyone in history--1.2 billion.

NEXT: The Ocean Princess cruises to Okinawa, Japan.

THE KING'S SPEECH: THE REST OF THE STORY

2011-01-13T19:36:00.000-08:00

I don't attend many movies. Normally, I prefer to undergo root canal surgery, but today, Sunday afternoon, Dianne persuaded me to take her to the movie theater to see The King's Speech. I had no idea what it was about, but I thought it had something to do with Elvis. Well, I was wrong, and it turned out to be a learning experience.

The movie, which is up for the Academy Award is about England's King George VI and his relationship with his Australian speech therapist Lionel Logue. The movie is based on a book, written by Mark Logue, Lionel's grandson, called The King's Speech: How One Man Saved the British Monarchy.

Although we share a common language (sort of), the English and the Americans (and Australians, for that matter) have profoundly different views of royalty, and in fact, most Americans don't know King George from King Kong. In America, titles like that must be earned, like "The King" (as in Elvis), or Queen Latifah, or the artist formerly known as Prince. In the U.K. they have a line of succession to the throne, and unless the guy in that line is a complete knucklehead, he has a chance to become king.

In the movie, which is generally historically accurate, George's older brother, Edward is first in line to become king when his domineering father, King George V passes on. From infancy, Edward has been trained and groomed to become the king. George, on the other hand, was totally unprepared for the job, and was often teased by his brother because of a speech stammer which made it difficult if not impossible for him to speak in public. At the 1925 British Empire Exhibition at Wembley, for example, George was called upon to give the closing speech, which turned out to be a painful ordeal for both him and his listeners.

George had a difficult childhood. For one thing, he was born on December 14, 1895 which was the anniversary of the death of great-grandma Queen Victoria's beloved husband, Prince Albert. To mollify the Queen, they named him Albert Frederick Arthur George, and in fact called him "Bertie." (His formal name from birth was His Highness Prince Albert of York. His mother was Queen Mary, like the ship.) He was left-handed, but his nanny forced him to use his right hand. He was knock-kneed and, as a child, was forced to wear metal braces on his legs. If that wasn't enough, he also had chronic stomach problems.

He attended the Royal Naval College, Osborne, as a naval cadet where he graduated as the bottom man in his class. Nevertheless, he proceeded to the Royal Naval College, Dartmouth and was commissioned as a midshipman in 1913. His fellow officers called him "Mr. Johnson." (The royals have a bunch of first names but no last name.) He saw action at the Battle of Jutland in 1916, but thereafter was assigned to desk duty in World War I because of an ulcer. After the War, he studied at Cambridge. In 1920, he was created Duke of York and began his royal duties. His speech impediment created problems for him, and most considered him extremely shy, especially compared with his gregarious older brother.

Shortly thereafter, he met Lady Elizabeth Bowes-Lyon, who, although her father was the Earl of Strathmore, was considered a commoner. She was descended from Robert the Bruce of Scotland and also Henry VII, so she was still from the right side of the tracks. She turned down his marriage proposals twice because she wasn't sure she wanted to be in the royal family, but she finally accepted. She was a very understanding wife and was an immense help to George in dealing with his insecurities. (Incidentally, Elizabeth survived her husband George by 50 years, and died in 2002 at the age of 101, extremely popular and outspoken to the end. Their oldest daughter, also named Elizabeth has, of course, been the Queen since George's death in 1952.)

Back to our story, Elizabeth, on behalf of her husband George sought out the speech therapist Lionel Logue, introducing herself as "Mrs. Johnson." Logue's credentials were light, and his methods were unorthodox and controversial. His office was in a poor neighborhood, and he had no receptionist. Instead of addressing the Duke of York in a formal way, he insisted on calling him "Bertie," and Bertie had to call him "Lionel." He prescribed daily vocal exercises like tongue twisters, singing and even obscenities, to give the Duke confidence to relax when speaking. George had to recite stuff like "she sifted seven thick stalked thistles through a strong thick sieve."

In the movie, Logue was played by Geoffrey Rush who was nominated for an Academy Award. George was played by Colin Firth, also nominated for the Academy Award for best actor, and the glamorous Elizabeth by Helena Bonham Carter.

Upon the death of King George V in 1936, Edward became King Edward VIII. Although the King of England has no real power, he is an important symbol to the English people and must realize that he is constantly in the public eye and command respect.

Edward VIII had two major problems in that regard. First, his mistress, fiance--whatever--was an American lady named Wallis Warfield Simpson who was already married to someone else. She and Edward were in love, and she divorced her second husband--not good! The other problem, which was not as well known, Edward was an admirer of Nazi Germany, and Hitler in particular.

When Edward insisted on marrying the twice-divorced Mrs. Simpson, this was considered an embarrassment to the British people, and Prime Minister Baldwin and others prevailed upon him to step down from the throne after just a few months in office.

Note: When Edward VIII assumed the throne, Hitler was already threatening much of Europe and Winston Churchill, among others, was concerned that England might have to go to war again with Germany. In fact, as late as December, 1940, after the great Blitz and much of London destroyed, Edward gave a bizarre interview in which he said that it would be a tragic thing for the world if Hitler were overthrown. He felt that Hitler was the right and logical leader of the German people. Edward spent the war with his wife in the boring, sultry, relative safety of the Bahamas with frequent excursions to Palm Beach to mix with the jet-setters.

George, at least, was on the same page as the English people. Although his first name was Albert, he felt that would sound too German. He chose his fourth name, George to signify continuity. So he became George VI. During the 1940 German air raids, George VI and his Queen Elizabeth insisted on staying at Buckingham Palace with their kids to keep up the morale of the people. They kept a high profile and endured many of the same hardships as the common people which made them very popular.

The theme of the movie was that George was obligated to address the British people on the radio at his coronation in 1937, and he was terrified because of his stammering. Fortunately, television was not in wide use at that time, so nobody could see his coach or the teleprompter. With the constant coaching of Lionel Logue, George was able to make his way through that speech and many subsequent speeches, especially the important ones during World War II. While he probably wouldn't win many speech contests, with Logue constantly at his side, he did a credible job in keeping his audience. In one speech, he deliberately stumbled over the letter "W" in "weapons", and later asserted that if he didn't, the people wouldn't know it was he speaking.

The movie is a must see. As the president of the Lake County Toastmasters, an organization that promotes and encourages public speaking, I have a personal interest in the subject matter of the movie. I find the royals interesting, but I've always wondered whether the King and Queen wear their crowns when they go to the supermarket or the hardware store.

KENNETH SUSKIN 1/13/11

AFTERMATH:

Last night the movie DID win the Academy Award for Best Picture, and Colin Firth won the award for Best Actor.

KENNETH SUSKIN 2/28/11

SCHLEMIEL, SCHLEMAZEL--YIDDISH WORDS IN AMERICAN CULTURE

2011-01-03T19:27:00.000-08:00

One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight
Schlemiel, schlemazel, hasenfeffer incorporated
We're gonna do it!
Give us any chance, we'll take it
Give us any rule, we'll break it
We're gonna make our dreams come true....

And so goes the LaVerne and Shirley theme song, written by Norman Gimbel.

Many of you will recall the LaVerne and Shirley Show, a spinoff from Happy Days which documents the antics of Fonzie's friends, LaVerne DiFazio and Shirley Feeney who played roommates in Milwaukee. They may have been a lot of things, but they were certainly not Jewish.

The English language is so rich because, unlike French, it welcomes foreign words into the language. Many non-Jewish Americans find themselves using now English words borrowed from Yiddish and other languages without even realizing it. Certain thoughts can be better expressed with one well placed word to replace a whole explanation in English. This is how new words come into the language. Many Jewish entertainers and script writers over the past 100 years have sprinkled their acts with Yiddish words so that now such words have come into common use. They used their shtick (comic theme or gimmick) to bring those words into the English language and American culture.

The Yiddish language is quite similar to German. The words are usually pronounced similarly but spelled differently, perhaps because Yiddish was traditionally written using Hebrew characters. Also, keep in mind that the connotations of certain words are different in Yiddish than in English. For example, the word chutzpah in English means gall, audacity or nerve, but in a positive way to describe an aggressive or successful person. In Yiddish, however, the example given by popular writer Leo Rosten is that chutzpah describes a young man who kills his parents and asks for mercy because he is an orphan!

Yiddish works well for describing the inconveniences or disagreeable people you encounter in life. A schlemiel is a clumsy, inept person, a klutz. On the other hand, a schlimazel is a chronically unlucky person. He's probably a poor schnook also, a gullible person who is easily cheated or taken advantage of. For example, the schlemiel often spills his soup--in the schlimazel's lap. Maybe he's a schmo also, a stupid person.

Stay away from a schmuck, or a putz which are insulting terms describing a foolish person, or a jerk. Both words refer to the penis. In the movie, Grumpy Old Men, Walter Matthau frequently calls Jack Lemmon a putz. A friend you try to avoid is the schnorrer, or beggar, because he hits you up for money. But if he steals it, he''s also a gonif (thief or scoundrel), a word often used to describe politicians. These aforementioned words usually describe men, but we have colorful words to describe women also.

Many think of a yenta as a matchmaker like the character in Fiddler on the Roof. The real meaning of the word is a talkative women or a gossip who gets in other people's business. So in Fiddler, a schmaltzy (excessively sentimental) movie the Yenta character really was a yenta. If a woman is plump or voluptuous, like your bubbe (grandmother), she is zaftig. Men often lament that their wives and kids kvetch (complain) too much and they must be told to stop hakn a tchynik (breaking a china teapot) which also means nagging or bothering incessantly. The women counter that their men kibitz (offer unwanted advice) too much rather than schmooze (make small talk). In a poker game, a kibitzer is a spectator offering advice but won't put up his own money to play. This self described expert is sarcastically called a maven, which is best described as a know-it-all.

We all aspire to become a macher, a big shot or important person. Las Vegas became Las Vegas because of gonifs from Chicago or Cleveland who moved there and became machers. In Vegas, they no longer had to schmeer (bribe) the authorities because gambling was legal. Thus, a gangster could go straight, organize charities, and become a mensch, an honorable man who does the right thing.

Many immigrants of 100 years ago went into the rag trade, selling schmattas from pushcarts on the Lower East Side of New York or Chicago's Maxwell Street. A schmatta is a rag, but more in the sense of low quality clothing like the schlock that you would buy at a rummage sale--or from a street peddler. Hard goods might be tchotchkes (toys), which I'll get into later. In any event, schlock refers to any type of cheap or inferior merchandise, like souvenirs you'd buy at tourist traps. The more vulgar word for that would be dreck (crap or sh*t), as in "you want ten dollars for this dreck!" Then you have to schlep the stuff home. To schlep is to drag or haul a large or heavy object at great inconvenience, like in "why is this schmuck making us schlep these schmattas and heavy clothes to Florida?" He must be meshuga (crazy).

We often use Yiddishisms to express mild obscenities where the English word might be inappropriate. For example tuchis or tush is a person's buttocks or rear end where you don't say "ass" in polite company. The word shtup, which literally means to fill, push or poke can be used in the sense "you keep shtuping the grandkids with candy to keep them quiet." But the word can also mean "intercourse". So the traveling salesman gives his spiel (sales pitch intended to persuade). If he uses it on a blonde tchotchke for a quick shtup, he'll have tsuris (trouble) when his wife finds out. If the salesman is much older, he's an alte kaker (old fart) . But don't tell that to Hugh Hefner.

As we said earlier dreck is any kind of worthless material, but substitutes for "crap". The word bupkes literally means "animal droppings" but in English means "nothing". For example, " I've been working on the deal for months and received bupkes. Then they give the deal to a little pisher (greenhorn or young, inexperienced person). " The term pisher actually refers to the penis of a young boy. Don't get me started on the mohel who performs the bris (circumcision) of the young boy.

With the popularity of delicatessens, some of the foods we eat are Yiddish words. Kosher means conforming to Jewish dietary laws, but in English, it means "legitimate" or "appropriate". If you hear of a shady or suspicious scheme, it probably doesn't sound kosher. Most of us are familiar with foods like bagels, blintzes, lox (smoked salmon), latkes or kishke that you would nosh (snack) on.

Oy vey, an unexpected Yiddish word is glitch, a minor malfunction, as in a computer.

The bottom line here is that the English language borrows liberally from many languages but, as one can see, many of the most "colorful" words are those borrowed from Yiddish.

KENNETH SUSKIN

MODERN BABY NAMES--WHAT WERE THE PARENTS THINKING?

2010-12-21T20:35:00.000-08:00

To do almost anything nowadays, you need a license from the government. But one equal opportunity area open to everyone regardless of education is parenting. Unlike in some European countries, no bureaucrat can tell you what NOT to name your baby.

I did some research for a recent speech comparing the most common names of 1944, the year of my birth, with those of 2010, according to the data compiled by the Social Security Administration. I consider the list of 1944 names to be "normal" names. The most popular boys' names include James, Robert, William, Michael, David, John, Richard, etc., while girls' names include Mary, Elizabeth, Barbara, Sandra, Susan, Deborah, Judy, Carol, etc. My name, Kenneth, was No. 16. Some of these such as Michael, David, Mary, Deborah and Judith, are biblical in nature. But, unlike today, the parents of 1944 did not name their kids Jacob, Isaac, Elijah, Isaiah, or even Noah. Today's parents often have difficulty even spelling these names, and indeed, Jacob, Isaac, and Isaiah are often spelled several different ways.

The 2010 list is replete with boys' names like Ethan, Jacob, Aiden, Jayden, Noah, Logan, Liam, Jackson, not to mention Elijah and Isaiah. But why Jacob and not Abraham? Even Jesus, a common name with Hispanics, is not in the top 100 this year. Neither is Mohammed. Someone had posted on the Internet that Mohammed was the top boys' name in England this year, but my research found that to be untrue--it is No. 48.

Current popular girls' names include Isabella, Olivia, Emma, Ava, Madison and Addison. In the Chicago area, many parents ( Cub fans presumably) call their sons Addison, often in conjunction with Clark. For example a boy might be called Clark Addison Smith. If you're not from Chicago, this may appear meaningless, but Clark and Addison Streets is the location of Wrigley Field. However, I'm not aware of any kid named 35th or Shields, the location of U.S. Cellular Field.

Parents name their kids to reflect their expectations of what the child will be. Many of the popular names come from movies and books. For example, we have the Twilight effect in which the characters from Stephanie Meyer novels include Jacob and Bella. A vampire in the novels has the surname Cullen, which is now a popular boy's name. Also Emma was a popular name 100 years ago but disappeared for about 80 years. Now it's back.

The name Madison was a boy's name, probably since James Madison wrote the Constitution.
The San Francisco Giants have a pitcher, Madison Bumgarner who won a crucial game in the 2010 World Series. But Madison has been one of the top five girls' names ever since actress Daryl Hannah's performance in Splash. My cousin Mitch was the special effects supervisor in the movie. Ms. Hannah's character was a mermaid (don't ask!) without a name, paired up with co-star Tom Hanks. As the two walked down Madison Avenue in New York, Hanks decided that she needed a name. Spotting the street sign, Hanks declared, "we'll call you Madison." Apparently a lot of people liked her character in the movie.

One Robert Lane of New York's Harlem neighborhood named his last two sons (out of 7) Winner and Loser. They lived up to their expectations, but not in the way their father might have anticipated. Loser Lane (people called him Lou) worked hard in school and obtained a degree in criminology. He joined the NY Police Department and rose up through the ranks to become a detective and later, a sergeant, receiving many decorations along the way. Winner Lane, on the other hand distinguished himself by the length of his criminal record--burglary, domestic battery, and other assorted acts of mayhem. Maybe they were switched at birth.

Several boys' names have now become girls' names. For example, Leslie, Sidney and Shirley used to be boys' names, but nobody has been named Shirley for the last 50 years. As the late actor Leslie Nielsen said, "Don't call me Shirley!"Legendary sportswriter, Shirley Povich, the father of newscaster Maury Povich used to frequently get mail addressed to Mrs. Shirley Povich. Other girls' names like Evelyn and Beverly were once common boys' names in England.
A character in Gilbert & Sullivan's H.M.S. Pinafore was called Sir Evelyn, pronounced EE-velyn, but other characters would call him Edith in jest. But you never see girls' names becoming boys' names, except for maybe Italian (male) opera singer Andrea Bocelli.

Then we get kids with the names of former presidents. Jackson is one of the top ten boys' names in 2010. Here I thought they were named after the guy on the twenty dollar bill, but my wife informed me that the kids were probably named in honor of Michael Jackson. Other popular boys' names include Tyler and Carter although I doubt that most of these parents even heard of our 10th president or would dare name their kid after Jimmy Carter. Top 100 girls' names include the aforementioned Madison, Taylor (probably not after Mexican War hero Zachary Taylor) and Reagan.

We also see many kids named after places. Many girls in my generation are called Virginia or Georgia. But now the top 100 has Brooklyn, Savannah, Aurora and even Eden. Boys don't get place names except as nicknames. In my day we had Minnesota Fats, Indiana Jones, Amarillo Slim and Milwaukee Phil. I'm sure Mr. Fats and Mr. Slim are proud of their monikers. Then there was playwright Tennessee Williams (real name Thomas Lanier Williams) who legally changed his name to reflect his father's native state. Mr. Williams' brother, attorney Dakin Williams was an acquaintance of mine.

The recent movie Four Christmases had two brothers Dallas and Denver, played by Tim McGraw and Jon Favreau. They were named for the cities in which they were conceived. That one actually makes sense. But they'd probably draw the line at Detroit. Actually their third brother, played by Vince Vaughn, was named Orlando, but he called himself Brad.

Then we have names in the top 100 that make no sense whatsoever, like Piper, Esme and Cadence for girls. For boys we have Fynn and Chase, which would be a good name for a future banker.

Finally, in the book Freakonomics, they describe a young girl named Temptress who was constantly getting into trouble. Her mother told police she named the girl after the actress on the Cosby Show. Actually the actress was Tempestt Bledsoe. Tempestt, Temptress--what the heck! Another spelling challenged mother named her daughter--I'll pronounce it--shi-TEED, but spelled Shithead. At least she spelled THAT correctly. Are we surprised when these kids end up behind the 8-ball.

My favorite sports names are former basketball star God Shammgod and former NFL receiver Fair Hooker. Both are juniors, so their fathers went through life with the same names. I couldn't find any information about how their fathers turned out, but Mr. Hooker Jr. became a banker after retiring from football. Incidentally, he was traded for a player named Jubilee Dunbar. if Mr. Shammgod's and Mr. Hooker's parents were signaling their expectations of what the child would be, well, I don't want to go there.

KENNETH SUSKIN

UNUSUAL BASEBALL RECORDS--MOST TRIPLES

2010-11-04T14:07:00.000-07:00

As the baseball World Series has dragged on into November, baseball fans are preparing for the off season with discussions about arcane facts of this wonderful sport. For example, in this year's World Series, the Giants' Freddy Sanchez set a record. Get this! He smacked a double in each of his first three World Series at-bats. It's never happened before. Most likely, aside from Mr. Sanchez and his team, nobody cared either. Actually, in his fourth trip to the plate, Mr. Sanchez apparently hit another double, but the official scorer ruled that he went to second base on an error by the right fielder.

One record most fans consider untouchable was set by the Chicago Cubs' Hack Wilson when he batted in 191 runs in the 1930 season. Back in the 1930's, a couple players came close--the great Lou Gehrig drove in 186 for the NY Yankees and Hal Trosky of Cleveland drove in 184. They played 154 games a season then. Now they play 162, but nobody has come within 30 runs of the record in recent years. Even with the steroid fueled home run derby a few years back, Barry Bonds hit 73 homers and Mark McGwire hit 70, but they never approached Wilson's RBI record.

My vote for the most untouchable record, however was set by another Wilson--Owen "Chief" Wilson who hit 36 triples for the Pittsburgh Pirates in 1912, breaking the old record of 31 set in the 1890's when the outfields didn't even have fences. Even the minor league record for triples is only 32, set by Jack Cross in 1925.

Mr. Wilson, who is not believed to be related to movie actor Owen Wilson, grew up on a ranch in Texas in the late 19th Century. He had a strong throwing arm and began his professional career as a right handed pitcher in the Texas League in 1905. Like Babe Ruth, when his manager found Wilson could hit well, he converted him into an outfielder. His manager Fred Clarke gave him the nickname "Chief" because Clarke said he looked like a "Chief of the Texas Rangers." Wilson was not a Native American.

In 1908, he joined the Pittsburgh Pirates as their regular right fielder. In his rookie season, he was one of the weakest hitters in the league and the fans booed him regularly. The Pirates contended for the pennant, and Wilson's strong defensive play kept him in the lineup. By 1911, Wilson improved his hitting enough that he hit 34 doubles, 12 triples and 12 homers (a team record in that dead ball era), and led the National League in RBI's with 107. On July 24th of that year, Wilson hit 3 triples in one game at Pittsburgh's Forbes Field.

But that was nothing compared to his 1912 season. Although a big strapping man, Wilson was not considered especially fast, but he apparently hustled enough to convert many of his doubles into triples. He hit only 19 doubles and 11 homers (of which 2 were inside-the-park homers). By the end of May, he had 11 triples. In June he hit a total of 6 triples in 5 consecutive games, a record. By August 27, he had hit 33 triples and still had 34 games to go. His fans were rooting for him to hit as many as possible, and on September 14th, the Pittsburgh Post commented, "Wilson attempted to triple, but tapped the pellet a trifle too hard and it floated over the right field wall." Dang! That knucklehead hit a homer, we wanted a triple!

In the last game of the season, with the bases loaded in the 9th inning, Wilson hit a long drive, clearing the bases, but he was thrown out at home plate trying to stretch a triple into an inside-the-park grand slam homer. He had to settle for his 36th triple.

Wilson's record was possible because in those days, the ball fields were much larger than today. In Pittsburgh's Forbes Field, for example, where Wilson hit 24 of his 36 triples, the center field fence was 462 feet from home plate, and the right and left field power alleys were over 400 feet. A left handed hitter, Wilson hit the ball solidly to all fields. Although the ball was thought to be less lively than it is today, there is some controversy about that. At that time, a whole game would be played with just a few baseballs which became scuffed up and discolored. Prior to 1920, when foreign substances were outlawed, pitcher would often spit on the ball or apply other substances like Vaseline to make the ball break sharply. It was difficult for batters to hit the ball solidly. Unlike hitters of today, most hitters did not swing for the fences, but attempted to hit line drives for singles or doubles. Outfielders played shallow, and if a hitter could hit one over or between the outfielders, a triple was very likely. Even inside-the-park homers were common. Wilson hit most of his triples over the heads of outfielders in cavernous Forbes Field.

In modern baseball, the fences have been brought in closer to encourage more homers. Outfielders play deeper. Balls hit over outfielders' heads are usually retrieved quickly, and batters are held to doubles. Nowadays, triples are quite rare and usually occur when a ball takes a bad bounce or an outfielder falls down or is slow to recover the ball for any other reasons. When a batter hits one, it is usually an exciting play because he is racing around the bases while the throw is coming in for a close play at third base.

Since World War II, only 7 players have hit as many as 20 triples in a season. Most notable were the 4 players since that time who hit more than 20 doubles, triples and home runs in the same season. Hall of Famer Willie Mays hit 26, 20 and 35 in the 1957 season. Hall of Famer George Brett hit 42, 20 and 23 in 1979. More recently, Curtis Granderson of Detroit and Jimmy Rollins of Philadelphia both accomplished the feat in 2007. Granderson had 38, 23 and 23, while Rollins had 38, 20 and 30.

While we're doing triples, I should mention that the forgettable Earl Webb of the Boston Red Sox hit 67 doubles in 1931, and nobody has approached that record either in over 70 years. The closest was Todd Helton of Colorado who hit 59 in 2000. Don't get me started on that!

SALEM AT HALLOWEEN TIME--WHICH WITCH IS WHICH AND OTHER NEW ENGLAND ADVENTURES

2010-10-11T19:10:00.000-07:00

Several months ago, a group of us seniors concocted a plan to travel around New England. The funny thing is that back in February, it never occurred to us that many tourists flock to New England in the Fall to watch the autumn colors which, of course, were beautiful. We got four couples as takers, including Dianne and me. We agreed to rent two cars and travel in a caravan.

When renting the cars, we discovered that a big surcharge is imposed when you pick up the car in one city and drop it off at another. Our plan was to fly to Boston and drop off the vehicles in Bangor, Maine. After considerable shopping, Avis gave us a rate--it was about $990 for ten days for a Chevy Impala. We rented two. Split between four couples, it's not that bad. The other issue is that if a car had more than one driver, they would charge an additional $13 per day for the second driver. Thus, I drove the whole way, and Ron did the same in the other car.

We had an interesting group of people traveling with us. In our car was Norm, a World War II veteran and his beautiful wife, Pat. In the other car was Ron, a retired plumber, and his wife, Marilyn, Doug, a fireman, and his companion, Betty who was the trip organizer and leader. Betty brought a GPS gadget which we called Lucy, but after several dead end streets, none of us loved Lucy very much.

The trip was low budget--we stayed in second tier motels for the most part. The beds are pretty much the same everywhere, but there's a big difference in the bathrooms, compared with more expensive motels. The vanities are very small--in a couple of places, you couldn't even put a toothbrush on the vanity. With two people in each room, this is a major inconvenience.

But somehow, we all got along for the 10 days although we had our moments. One amusing item is that the word party is pronounced the same as potty by New Englanders. That could cause some embarrassing moments.

The highlights of the trip are as follows:

MARTHA'S VINEYARD--WHO THE HECK IS MARTHA?

We spent our first three nights at the Earl of Sandwich Motel in East Sandwich on Cape Cod which boasted a pond with a menagerie of tame ducks, geese and turkeys. Each night, the owner built a campfire and the guys sat around talking. The first morning, we drove down to Falmouth to ride the ferry to Martha's Vineyard, the famous island which is the playground of the rich and famous.

The burning question was, "Who the heck is Martha?". The consensus answer among us was Martha Washington. We later learned from the guidebook that British explorer Bartholemew Gosnold who discovered the island in 1602 had a daughter named Martha. He found many grapes growing on the island. Martha's Vineyard is the second largest island on the U.S. Atlantic Coast (first is Long Island). The island has several small towns. The ferry sailed to Oak Bluffs where we caught a bus and purchased all day passes. The island has several bus routes covering the entire island. You just want to get on the right one. We drove by the salt marshes and beaches to Edgartown, the largest town on the island.

From Edgartown is a short ferry ride to Chappaquiddick Island which we didn't take. Chappy, as the locals call it, is all residential, so there is no reason to go there--unless you're interested in political history involving the Kennedy family. You may recall that back in 1969, Senator (and then presidential candidate) Edward "Teddy" Kennedy was involved in a tragic incident that resulted in the drowning death of a young female campaign worker. We asked around and were told that there is no plaque or any other indication that Teddy had ever been there. But the name Chappaquiddick lives on in political infamy.

Edgartown is a picturesque fishing town with several blocks of small gift shops and restaurants, many with a nautical theme. We covered the whole town in an hour or so, and from Edgartown, we had several choices. The first bus was headed to Aquinnah at the Western end of the island. Aquinnah is the new name of the town and the sandstone cliffs formerly known as and still called Gay Head by most locals. We were afraid to ask why the name was changed, but according to Wikipedia, the name was changed in 1998 in a close referendum vote to the Wampanoag Indian word meaning "land under the hill." Many Indians live there to this day, according to the guidebook. All over the island we saw massive houses owned by the rich and famous.

We decided to take the bus up to Vineyard Haven where we had lunch and were able to catch the ferry back to the mainland. We sailed by many large schooners anchored in the harbor.

PROVINCETOWN--END OF THE ROAD

Locally known as "P-Town", it stands at the very tip of Cape Cod. The Pilgrims first landed there in 1620, but then they continued across the bay to Plymouth Rock. Getting there is half the fun, and we took the scenic route along the ocean through quaint little towns. On the Eastern end is Cape Cod National Seashore where we had the opportunity to walk on the beach . The ladies really enjoyed that. The weather was foggy with scattered showers, but a beach is a beach.

Provincetown is the Key West of the North. Among other things, it has a large, active gay community which hosts many cultural events. The main landmark in town is the 252 foot high Pilgrim Monument and Museum. It is the tallest all-granite structure in the U.S. I took nothing for granite--I was the only member of our group to climb to the top--there is no elevator. When I reached the top, I could see the cars and my traveling companions but could not see a whole lot of the town because of the fog.

I befriended a lady cashier at the Ace hardware who recommended the Surf Club restaurant at the harbor. We were apprehensive at first because nobody else was in the restaurant. Maybe there were all waiting for us to act first, but after we sat down the restaurant quickly filled up. The clam chowder was very good as it was all over New England.

In P-town, the three or four blocks near the harbor are filled with small stores and restaurants catering to the tourist trade. Many of the buildings carry a rich history. We drove around looking for a house belonging to Norman somebody, either Rockwell or Mailer. It turned out to be Norman Mailer the novelist who established a writer's colony in the two story Cape Cod house right on the ocean. Mailer died in 2007. We walked around the house but didn't go inside. Other famous people connected with Provincetown include writers John Dos Passos and Eugene O'Neill, and cosmetics giant Helena Rubenstein.

PLYMOUTH ROCK, PLIMOTH PLANTATION AND THE MAYFLOWER

Yeah, I know they're spelled differently. Plimoth Plantation, using the 17th Century spelling, is a re-enactment of the Pilgrims' village of the 1600's The people dressed as they did in the 1600's, and planted vegetables and built houses and fences as they would have done at that time. They conducted seminars to explain what they were doing--in Elizabethan English.

A couple of miles away, on the harbor, is the famous Plymouth Rock, which has the inscription "1620" carved on it. It is housed in a Greek temple building, and you have to look down at it. You can't touch it. The rock used to be much larger, but back in the 1800's souvenir hunters were carving off portions with hammers and chisels which were actually provided to them by the authorities. We're not even certain if that is the right rock because it has been moved several times. The rock is smaller than a car--well maybe the size of a Smart car, but smaller than a Plymouth. There are many rocks on the beach, but Plymouth Rock may have been the largest one. Apparently, the Pilgrims used the rock to tie up their ship, the Mayflower.

Nearby is the Mayflower II, a replica built in the 1970's and actually sailed across the Atlantic. We were fortunate enough to board the ship and look around. The crewmen were re-enactors and explained the various jobs of the crew members. The bunks were very small, and we wondered whether the people were small in stature. We were told that people of that era were only an inch or so shorter than people of today, but they used to sleep sitting up.

SALEM--WHICH WITCH IS WHICH?

Salem, Mass. dates back to the early 1600's, and for much of its history was a trading port for Yankee shippers trading with the Orient. The town also has a checkered past that most towns in that situation would rather forget. The most famous event was the notorious witch trials of 1692 in which 150 people were arrested and imprisoned. The trials were conducted by the infamous Court of Oyer and Terminer, presided over by John Hathorne (Nathaniel Hawthorne's ancestor--more on that later) and supported by Cotton Mather. The result was that 19 people were ultimately convicted of witchcraft and hanged. A twentieth, the 80 year old Giles Corey refused to plead guilty and was crushed to death with heavy stones in an effort to induce his "confession". His response was "More weight!" which confounded the authorities.

The victims included men, women and even 4 year old Dorcas Good who testified against her mother Sarah Good (Bad, also hanged). From a political standpoint, most of the accused witches were unmarried or recently widowed land-owning women--if no legal heirs, the land would revert back to the colony or the previous owner.

In Salem, they decided that when life gives you lemons, make lemonade. Salem made witchery into a tourist attraction. There are at least 2 witch museums (we toured one) and even a museum called "Forty Whacks" devoted to the infamous Lizzie Borden who actually committed her dastardly deeds in Fall River, about 100 miles south. To quote the 1960's song, "You can't chop your momma up in Massachusetts, Massachusetts is a far cry from New York."

One of the theories explaining the eccentricities of the accused was convulsive ergotism, caused by eating rye bread made from grain infected by a fungus, ergot, which is also a component of LSD. This could cause people to act crazy with involuntary muscle movements.

They still have witch trials in the modern era although they don't call them that. You can ask the Amirault family about that. In a day-care sex abuse hysteria, their Malden, Mass. day care business was destroyed in the 1980's based on the fanciful testimony of 4-year olds. Gerald Amirault was accused of rape for allegedly plunging a wide blade butcher knife into the rectum of a 4-year old and had difficulty extricating it. Incredibly, this horrible crime left no injury or any other mark on the child. The prosecution's evidence was based on testimony by 4-year olds who had spent much time with over-zealous therapists. You can't cross-examine a 4-year old. The prosecutor in that trial, Martha Coakley went on to become the state Attorney General and recently ran for the U.S. Senate. In the Senate campaign, the Amirault trial emerged as a campaign issue, and Ms. Coakley snatched defeat from the jaws of victory, losing to a Republican, Scott Brown, a rare event in Massachusetts.

Gerald Amirault served 18 years of a life sentence before he was set free in 2004. His wife, Cheryl and his mother Violet each served 8 years before their convictions were overturned. The full story of this miscarriage of justice was documented by Wall Street Journal reporter Dorothy Rabinowitz who won a Pulitzer Prize for her coverage of the case.

The other attraction in Salem is the House of the Seven Gables which was the title of an 1851 novel by Salem native Nathaniel Hawthorne. The heroine of that novel, which I read in high school, was a lady called Hepzibah Pyncheon who was patterned after Hawthorne's cousin Suzanne who lived in that house. She was a classy society matron who was short on cash and had difficulty maintaining the large gloomy house. Hawthorne's birthplace is nearby. His father was a sea captain. His great-great-grandfather, John Hathorne presided over the witch trials. The author added the "W" to his name to distance himself from his notorious ancestor.

Halloween time in Salem is exciting. The town capitalizes on its rich history to bring in thousands of tourists to see the ghoulish events. We took a trolley ride to view the many historic houses of Salem.

PORTSMOUTH, NEW HAMPSHIRE

On a warm, sunny day, we boarded the Isle of Shoals steamship cruise through the harbor past the Portsmouth Navy Yard, actually located in Kittery, Maine. There we saw 2 submarines docked in the harbor. Hey, we can watch the submarine races! As we went out to sea a mile or two, we could see hundreds of lobster traps, each marked by colored buoys. Lobstermen identify their buoys by the color.

Portsmouth's other claim to fame is that President Theodore Roosevelt negotiated a peace treaty there, ending the Russo-Japanese War in 1905, for which he won the Nobel Peace Prize.

MAINE COAST

Not far north of Portsmouth, we stopped in York Beach, a small fishing village on the rugged coast of Maine, with a lighthouse, the Nubble Light. We were actually looking for Bud Light or Miller Light but found that later. I love lighthouses, and each one is different. Across from the lighthouse was a carry out seafood shack where we all shared a large plate of delicious fried shrimps. After eating our snack, we continued on to Perkins Cove, another quaint fishing village with a pedestrian drawbridge across the river. We shopped in the ubiquitous gift shops and stopped for chowdah at a small restaurant overlooking the bay. Did I mention these little towns are quaint? After lunch we continued on to Kennebunkport and drove as far as the Bush farmhouse. At least we think it was George Bush's house, based on the description. We then turned west on a 2 hour meandering drive toward New Hampshire, following the directives of our soon to be despised GPS system, Lucy.

MT. WASHINGTON COG RAILWAY--GET USED TO BAD WEATHER

Mt. Washington is the highest peak in the Northeast, at 6288 feet. It was first climbed by Darby Field in 1642, and we're not sure why he bothered to do so. It's known for having the world's worst weather, with hurricane force winds very common. We weren't disappointed. Upon reaching the summit, we were greeted by driving sleet and 80 mph winds. That's normal weather there. We thought Chicago was the Windy City, but this was ridiculous! I couldn't wear my cap because it would blow away. I ran up to the windswept observation deck and found only one other brave couple up there. The sleet stung my face and head. If I ever go back there, I'll wear a hood like Dianne did.

On the summit is a weather station, gift shop, museum and a small diner which served excellent chili. There is even a small hotel, the Tip Top Inn, built in 1853. The weather station is the featured event. It once recorded the highest wind velocity every recorded--231 mph, though not on the day we were there, although it felt like it. The highest temperature ever recorded there was 74 F, and the lowest was -49F. In the museum, they showed a video of a guy sitting outside on the deck trying to read a newspaper which was being blown apart by the violent gales. Eventually, the wind blew the guy over along with the table.

The cog railway is an engineering marvel. Built in 1869, it was the first of its kind in the world. The trip is only 3 1/2 miles to the summit, but it takes an hour to get there. We took the early run which uses an antique steam locomotive--the later runs use bio-diesel. The train stopped halfway to fill up with water. We shared the packed railroad car with a tour group from the National Taiwanese University who took pictures of everything. The Chairman of the group was a friendly guy who sat next to Norm and talked to him. The train ascends the mountain at a steep grade, and the riders are encouraged to stay in their seats. Many of the Taiwanese didn't understand English and they were careening around the railroad car.

MT. WASHINGTON HOTEL--A CLASSY RESORT

This is a world class resort in Bretton Woods, NH, built in 1902 at the foot of Mt. Washington. This was the first place on our trip with valet parking. A group of diplomats established the World Bank there in 1944. A Who's Who of famous people stayed there and their photos grace the walls. A young Joseph Kennedy was pointed out to us. This is a grand hotel which compares favorably to the Grand Hotel in Mackinac Island, Michigan and the French Lick Springs in Indiana, with its long porticoes, expansive lawns and world class golf course. On a rainy day, we were happy to enter its warm lobby and hand out by the fireplace.

KANCAMAGUS HIGHWAY--NO SWIMMING IN THE AMMONOOSUC RIVER

We left our little motel in the ski town of North Conway in good weather to take in the beautiful
autumn colors of the White Mountains of New Hampshire on the famous Kancamagus Highway (you HAVE heard of it, haven't you?). The name reminds me of the old Jack Benny routine about the Anaheim, Azusa and Cucamonga Railaway. Well, its about a 30 mile drive along the rushing rapids of the Ammonoosuc River. At several places we stopped to take pictures of the foliage and the rapids which are large granite blocks in the river. I stepped out onto the river, jumping from rock to rock, but I missed one. I landed on my a** in the frigid water. Betty stood on the shore with my camera but neglected to photograph me as she was rightfully concerned that I was seriously injured or would be swept over the falls. Fortunately, I clambered back onto the rocks and made my way ashore very wet, but more embarrassed than anything.

Reaching the other end of the Kancamagus Highway, we had lunch in Lincoln, NH. Since we're from Illinois, the Land of Lincoln, we wondered if it was named for him. We learned the town was founded in 1764, long before Honest Abe was born. It was named after the Duke of Newcastle and Ninth Earl of Lincoln (the same guy).

FLUME GORGE

All gorges are gorgeous, but this one is special. In the Franconia Notch State park, they charge $13 admission to walk the 2 mile round trip to the gorge. For us old folks they have a shuttle bus that covers about half of the walk. Most of the trip is uphill on a slippery trail. This is a popular trail, but there's a lot of people who shouldn't be making the trip. For example, we saw many foreign people schlepping little kids and strollers up the slippery wooden steps. Also women in high heels tried to negotiate the steep path. There's no way. The witch in the ticket office should have been warning these people who had no idea what they were getting into.

But if you could make the trek, it was definitely worth seeing. The day before, we had a 3 inch rain, and there was a lot of water coming down this narrow gorge over the waterfalls and rapids. The gorge is 800 feet long, perhaps 15-20 feet wide between granite walls 70-90 feet high. For probably thousands of years, there was a 10' X 12' boulder stuck suspended between the walls of the gorge. In 1883, in a heavy rainstorm, a landslide swept it down the gorge. A similar thing also happened to the Old Man of the Mountain, a rock outcropping which was the New Hampshire state symbol until it crashed down one day in 2003. All the king's horses and king's men couldn't put it together again.

At the top of the gorge is Avelanche Falls, a 45' waterfall creating a roaring sound and spraying us tourists as we stood on wood platforms and steps to observe it. The water rushed down the gorge over Table Rock, a flat granite outcropping 500' long and 75' wide. You don't want to wade into that.

LITTLETON, NH--THE PHILATELY CAPITAL

We were holed up in a small motel in Twin Mountain, NH, with not much more than a general store, which, by the way, sells almost everything. But we needed a restaurant for dinner. We drove through the little town of Bethlehem, NH, which didn't have much, and continued on to Littleton, a town of 7,000, about 20 minutes away. We stumbled onto a good restaurant, the Italian Oasis, located in a mixed use office building on the main drag. The owner is a Gary Sinise look-alike who did his best to accommodate our party of 8. The 40 minute wait was worth it. They served stuff like "Parma with Karma". Dianne and I had haddock with parmesan over pesto linguini, and also haddock with salsa. Someone else had the swordfish steak. The food was excellent.

As a kid, I had always wanted to come to Littleton. You've probably guessed that I was a weird kid. As far as I was concerned, Littleton, NH was the philately capital of the world. Back in the 1950's, everyone collected postage stamps, and the Littleton Stamp Co. used to mail order stamps all over the country for collectors--long before the Internet. As it turned out the Sinise character knew the stamp guy whose 90 something widow still eats in the restaurant. The company also sold coins. The two Sundman brothers split up the company, and one opened another store in Mystic, Connecticut. So life comes full circle.

CADILLAC MOUNTAIN ON A CHEVY BUDGET

Even though we drove up in Chevys, our group has Cadillac tastes, and we were eager to see this classy mountain which towers over Bar Harbor, Maine. It was named after the same guy who later discovered Detroit. They really did name the car after him. But hey. Maxwell Smart had two cars named after him!

In any event, Cadillac Mountain, located in Acadia National Park, is the highest point on the Atlantic Coast of theU.S. at 1500 feet. We drove the winding road to the top where you can see everything for miles around. So we enjoyed a grand view of the ocean and inland also. Two cruise ships were docked at Bar Harbor. We met a young honeymooning couple dressed in cycling clothes walking around barefoot on the rocky mountain. They had rode their mountain bikes up the mountain. They were kind enough to take pictures of our group.

BAR HARBOR-THE LOBSTER CENTER OF MAINE

This is yet another quaint fishing and lobstering village with gift shops catering to the tourists from the cruise ships. Another quaint fishing village! We fought through the throngs of cruise passengers and had a fine seafood lunch at the harbor.

COLE LAND TRANSPORTATION MUSEUM

We were flying out of Bangor, Maine, in the afternoon and had a few hours to kill. Frankly, we had never heard of this museum until we visited the Bangor Chamber of Commerce to plan our day. The Chamber is located across the street from a large Indian casino which we didn't visit. In the park, next door is a 50' statue of Paul Bunyan, the legendary lumberjack. The blue ox was nowhere to be found. That one is in Bemidji, Minnesota. The nice lady at the Chamber showed us the brochure about the Cole Museum and we decided to visit.

It is devoted to various forms of transportation and features classic automobiles, delivery trucks, farm and highway equipment, and even snowplows. Remember, they get a lot of snow in Maine. Also, the museum exhibited a Sherman tank, jeeps and other memorabilia (MRE rations!) from World War II which thrilled veterans like Norm.

While preparing to leave, I heard one of the employees addressing an elderly man as "Gale", and I asked if he was the boss. He was, and I was privileged to meet Mr. Galen Cole and talk to him for a few minutes. He was a combat infantryman in World War II who lost his entire squad to a German tank gun. He vowed that if he survived the war, he would do his best to make the world better. He took over his father's trucking company, and after 50 years of success, he created this museum. Mr. Cole was a friendly guy, but in a hurry to leave, as a busload of tourists was disembarking outside.

UNION RIVER LOBSTER CO., Ellsworth, Maine

Our group had to have lobster, and this was the place to do so. Ellsworth is on the Union River near the coast, about 20 miles from Bar Harbor. We stayed there for two days. At the restaurant, they keep the live lobsters in tanks sorted according to size. They charge you by the size of the lobster. The smallest is 1 1/4 pounds, and the largest are 3-4 pounds. Personally, I don't enjoy picking apart a lobster, so I ordered the lazy man's lobster for $21.95, and let them do the work.

Overall, we had a great trip, and everyone is still talking to one another. The worst part was the trip home. The flight from Bangor to Philadelphia was delayed 3 hours, causing us to miss the connecting flight to Chicago. We had nightmares about spending the night in the Philly airport, but they squeezed us onto a later flight and we arrived in Chicago close to midnight.

VISITING GROUSELAND & A TASTE OF FRENCH LICK

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Once again, we took our annual Labor Day vacation, this time to French Lick and southern Indiana. Since we've always wondered how the town got its strange name, we decided to go there and find out. Here are the highlights of our adventures.

FRENCH LICK SPRINGS HOTEL

The early French settlers and Indians spoke of the therapeutic qualities of the many springs in the limestone hills of Southern Indiana. To attract tourists seeking remedies for their health problems, the French Lick Springs Hotel was originally built in 1845 next to a spring. In Europe at that time such spas were very popular. This particular spring was called Pluto Spring. The dark colored water reminded the discoverer of the underworld, and it took its name from Pluto, Greek god of the underworld. The trademark for the hotel and the water feature a devil like character.

The original hotel was destroyed in a fire, and this hotel was built in the early 1900's to replace it. It has 443 rooms. It was completely renovated in 2006, with elegant furnishings and inlaid floors in a Victorian style. The hotel recaptured the 19th Century and early 20th Century experience when celebrities and captains of industry stayed there.

The photographs in the lobby testify to such former guests as Harry S Truman, Elizabeth Taylor, Joe Louis, Al Capone, Frank Sinatra, Groucho Marx, Bing Crosby and many others.

The hotel has another claim to fame--tomato juice was invented there--in 1917. The chef ran out of orange juice, and instead of throwing away the insides of the tomatoes, he decided to grind them up in a Mixmaster. The patrons liked it and, of course, the rest is history. It certainly made their Bloody Marys taste better.

The town of French Lick got its unusual name from the animals that came to lick the salt and minerals from the rocks. The local Indians were attracted there by the plentiful game to hunt. European settlers, especially the French, settled the area for the same reason around 1729. George Rogers Clark, the Revolutionary War hero, gave the town its name. More on him later.

The most famous native son is basketball legend Larry Bird who grew up in a nondescript house next to the railroad tracks near Larry Bird Blvd. The town is small enough that everyone knows where everyone lives. The train conductor pointed out the house for us. We went by the house and found no plaque or any indication that Mr. Bird ever lived there. However, Mr. Bird's friends opened a sports bar restaurant, the 33 Grill which houses many of Mr. Bird's trophies from high school and college, plus 2 Most Valuable Player awards from the NBA. (He won 3.) Mr. Bird is now the president of the Indiana Pacers basketball team and no longer lives in town.
We ate dinner at the restaurant and enjoyed one of the best mushroom and Swiss burgers and battered onion rings we've ever had.

1875 STEAK HOUSE RESTAURANT

Our hotel has a fine steakhouse, the 1875, which is named for the first year the Kentucky Derby was held. If you'll recall, the winner was Aristides. French Lick is only about 50 miles from Louisville, KY., so many Derby patrons stay there. We had reservations (but ate there anyway) for 7:30 Friday night. We both had filet mignon which was superb. Dianne had hers with Bearnaise sauce, and I had mine medium rare with blue cheese sauce. We started out with Caesar salads.

In a nice perk, the waiter delivered to us a large plate of jumbo shrimps and 2 glasses of fine champagne. Although I didn't order that, I didn't think it was all that unusual. In fine restaurants they often throw in a few extras. A while later, they discovered they made a mistake--that was meant for another party. Of course, we had already eaten the shrimps and drunk the champagne. While they didn't make us wash dishes, don't feel bad for the owners--they got their money back in the casino. In any event, it was an Epicurean dining experience. the tender prime steaks were among the finest we've ever eaten. As for the Dom Perignon stuff, that was pretty good too.

WEST BADEN SPRINGS HOTEL

Meanwhile, down the road in the nearby town of West Baden lies the luxurious West Baden Springs Hotel, built in 1902, which was billed as the Eighth Wonder of the World. The archway sign at the entrance of the grounds proclaims it as the "Carlsbad of America", named not after the famous caverns, but rather the popular spa in Germany. The domed lobby of the hotel was the largest in the world until the 1960's when the Houston Astrodome was built.

The original owners of the two hotels engaged in friendly competition to build the more garish hotel. This one succeeded. The colored glass dome is awe-inspiring. The photographs just don't do it proper justice. The 708 hotel rooms circle around the dome. We had a terrific lunch under the dome at Sinclair's Cafe (named after the former owner Lee Sinclair). The shrimp bisque was to die for.

INDIANA RAILROAD MUSEUM

On the grounds of our hotel is the railroad station of the now defunct FLWB & S Railway (French Lick, West Baden and Southern). In the early days, most tourists arrived by train rather than car or even horse carriage.

We signed up for the great train robbery excursion. The vintage train, which dates from the 1800's travels about 10 miles south down to Cuzco through a half-mile tunnel. Near the end, some Wild West characters ride up on horses alongside, shooting. Their aim was to steal the payroll the train was carrying.

Now I'm from the South Side of Chicago, and shooting is not an unusual occurrence. But in this case, we have a group of re-enactors, the McKnight Stagecoach Expeditions, who put on the show, wearing costumes of the period, impacting the romance of the Old West. Most of the tourists contributed a dollar or so to the foundation to preserve the railroad and nobody got hurt. A good time was had by all. We disembarked the train, took pictures and the kids were given rides on the horses.

PETE DYE MANSION AND GOLF COURSE

Located on Mt. Airy, one of the highest points in Indiana, the famous golf course designer Pete Dye built his house with his own golf course. You wouldn't want to walk this course because of the steep inclines. so most golfers use carts. We had our clubs in the car, and the pro showed us around the mansion. Although we were tired after eating lunch, and didn't feel like playing 18, we visited the pro shop and inquired of the cost to play. It is $350.00 per person plus a caddy fee and, of course, a tip. Although I didn't ask, I assume the $350 included the golf cart. So for the two of us, we're talking $800 or so. We passed on it.

GASTHOF AMISH VILLAGE

Our Sunday morning lunch was the buffet at the Amish restaurant. We didn't see any Amish people there, probably because it was Sunday. the food was hearty and filling. by and large the food was locally grown and the dishes homemade. the buffet included fried chicken, fried fish, pork loin and gravy, peas, corn, stuffing, bread with homemade butter, apple butter and peanut butter. The problem with these buffets is that you tend to eat too much and we did. But we'd certainly go back there for the fried chicken.

INDIANA BASEBALL HALL OF FAME, JASPER, INDIANA

This baseball shrine is located in the student union at Vincennes University, Jasper Campus. Although it's not Cooperstown, the three or four rooms feature interesting exhibits illustrating Indiana natives' contributions to baseball. Many are local figures (coaches and contributors) who are not well known to outsiders like us. This is a walk down memory lane with many modern players such as Don Mattingly, Ron Kittle and Scott Rolen represented. Also Brooklyn Dodger greats like Gil Hodges and Carl Erskine are featured. Even Don Larsen who pitched a perfect game in the 1956 World Series against the Dodgers had a plaque. I didn't know these guys were from Indiana. One that WAS missing was slugger Ted Kluszewski of the Reds and White Sox. Although Big Klu was a star halfback for Indiana University during World War II, he was a native of Chicago suburb Argo, Illinois. Apparently that disqualified him.

GROUSELAND

On this trip, if we couldn't see Graceland, at least we could do Grouseland, the home of our esteemed Ninth President, William Henry Harrison, located in Vincennes, Indiana. The mansion was built in 1805 on a small bluff overlooking the Wabash River. Harrison, who hailed from Ohio, was appointed governor of Indiana in 1800 before it was a state, and Grouseland served as the governor's mansion. Harrison named it after the plentiful grouse which he liked to hunt.

Harrison achieved fame fighting Indians which was considered a necessary evil in his day. Prior to the War of 1812, the British were still stirring up trouble by organizing the local Indian tribes to attack the American settlers. In the mansion, Gov. Harrison signed several treaties with the natives of the Indiana Territory to create more land for white settlement. The great Indian Chief Tecumseh was able to organize various warring Indian tribes into a confederation which, of course, scared the bejesus out of the Americans. Tecumseh was a brilliant man who spoke and read English and was able to understand American law. He even considered forming his own state within the Union. Greatness isn't always genetic, and Tecumseh's brother, known as "the Prophet" threw his weight around, making many enemies within the confederation and with the white settlers.

For the Americans, the situation became intolerable and in 1811, Gov. Harrison led the militia in a pre-emptive strike against the Indians at Tippecanoe in Northern Indiana, easily defeating "The Prophet's" warriors. Tecumseh's plans were scotched, and he died two years later. Harrison became a national hero, acquiring his nickname, "Tippecanoe". Years later, still basking in his fame, he was elected president in the election of 1840 at the advanced age of 69.
He served a grand total of 32 days. He caught pneumonia at the inauguration party when he stayed out all day in the cold rainy weather, refusing to wear a hat and coat.

The Harrisons were a prominent family. His father, Benjamin signed the Declaration of Independence. His grandson, also named Benjamin was elected president in 1884 and served one term.

The house, which has no public restroom, has furniture and chamber pots from the period, although not necessarily from the Harrison family. Several large cracks in the walls testify to the great New Madrid Earthquake of 1811 when the Mississippi River was said to flow backwards. Portraits of Harrison and his family adorn the walls. There is no presidential library, as Harrison wasn't in office long enough to merit one.

VINCENNES, INDIANA

Vincennes is the boyhood home of comedian and clown Red Skelton for whom a major bridge on U.S. 50 is named. Nationally, you don''t see a lot of bridges named after clowns, although many are named after politicians which comes close. .At the conclusion of the ceremony dedicating the bridge, Skelton was reported to have said, "OK now everyone get off my bridge!" Vincennes is also the home of the Red Skelton Performing Arts Center at Vincennes University.

GEORGE ROGERS CLARK MEMORIAL

Administered by the National Park Service is a large memorial honoring the great Revolutionary War hero, George Rogers Clark. Resembling the Jefferson Memorial in Washington, it sits in a park overlooking the Wabash River. We were treated to a 30 minute film about Clark and his exploits on the American frontier during the Revolutionary War. Before this visit, we knew very little about Clark.

He was one of 10 kids of a Virginia planter. In those days, the eldest son would inherit the farm, and the rest had to fend for themselves. George and his brother William (of Lewis & Clark fame) went West to Kentucky. At the behest of his friend George Washington, Clark organized a band of 125 or so volunteers from Kentucky on a secret mission to defeat the British and open up the West to American settlement. The men endured great hardships marching around southern Illinois and Indiana raiding British forts. In the coup de grace, Clark and his men marched through a cold swamp in February, and in a daring surprise raid, captured the British garrison in Vincennes. The French and Indians didn't much like the British anyway, so they switched over to our side. At that point, it was essentially game, set and match.

The net result was that if Clark didn't prevail, we'd be speaking British today.

THE OAK ISLAND TREASURE--HOW TO LEAVE WITH A SMALL FORTUNE WHEN YOU STARTED WITH A LARGE ONE

2010-08-23T20:49:00.000-07:00

That old adage was never more true than at desolate Oak Island in Nova Scotia, Canada. The ultimate quest for buried treasure has been a dream of many adventurers there over the past 200 or so years. Since its modern discovery in 1795 by 3 teenagers, there have been at least 13 organized expeditions seeking the buried treasure, and at least 6 people have been killed in the attempt. Yet, we're no closer to finding out what's at the bottom of the hole. Even with modern machinery, coffer dams, and the like, not to mention the millions of dollars spent, treasure hunters have come up empty.

Despite all that money literally down the drain, nobody is certain what, if anything, lies at the bottom of the shaft. We don't even know who constructed this maze, but we do know that it goes down at least 200 feet--the height of a 20 story building underground. Every ten feet or so, excavators have found layers of logs, alternating with flagstones and layers of charcoal, putty and coconut fiber not indigenous to the area. At certain levels, the tidal water from the ocean flows into the shaft and floods everything.

The aforementioned coconut fiber was carbon dated to 1200-1400 A.D. That date was when it was harvested, not when it was placed on Oak Island. In any event, carbon dating is not reliable when the article is exposed to seawater.

The many legends that abound keep the treasure hunters coming back to this privately owned island. Some think it was pirate treasure from Captain Kidd or Blackbeard, but it is doubtful that pirates would have the technology or time to dig such a shaft.

The story comes down to us in a 1951 book, True Tales of Buried Treasure written by explorer and historian Edward Rowe Snow who claimed to have received a set of symbols from Reverend A.T. Kempton of Cambridge, Massachusetts. We don't know anything about Kempton's involvement with Oak Island. The chain of evidence is very fuzzy, indeed.

The hook that got investors to try their luck in the money pit was disclosed by an 1803 expedition by the Onslow Company who claimed that they recovered a large stone with various symbols inscribed on it. They hired researchers to decipher the symbols, and one translated the markings as "forty feet below, two million pounds lie buried." This Rosetta Stone disappeared in 1912, and incredibly, no photographs or images of that stone were ever taken, at least, to our knowledge.

Adventurers are typically willing to take large risks on a rumor, after all, how would anything ever get discovered? In the early digs, the pit kept flooding up to the 33 foot level, but in 1849, the Truro Company used more modern technology to dig down to the 86 foot level where the shaft flooded again. So much for the "40 foot down" story. In the Truro account, they drilled down through a spruce platform at 98 feet and below, found "metal in pieces", 8 inches of oak, 22 inches of metal, 4 more inches of oak, another spruce layer, and finally clay for 7 feet. No treasure in the first 100 feet.

The 1861 excavation collapsed the bottom of the shaft into either a natural cavern or a booby trap underneath.

There were more excavations--you think about a fool and his money--in 1866, 1893, 1909, 1931, 1935, 1936 and 1959. The 1909 expedition which featured the young Franklin Roosevelt thought they had a new deal, but their hand also came up empty. Mr. Roosevelt proved to be more successful in other areas in later life, but he was known to keep up with developments on the island.

The 1931 excavation by William Chappell tried a different tack. He sank a parallel shaft down to 163 feet and tunneled over to the main shaft. At 127 feet, his people found artifacts including an axe, a pick and part of an anchor. But since there had been many previous excavations, it could not be certain when they were placed there.

In the early 1960's, the Restall family lost 4 men who were overcome by fumes in the shaft.
Next was Robert Dunfield who leased the island in 1965 and brought in a 70 ton digging crane with a bucket and went down 134 feet in a hole 100 feet wide. Just getting the crane there was a major undertaking. Dunfield had to build a causeway to the island. They sifted through the soil for artifacts but found little.

In 1967, Daniel Blankenship and David Tobias formed Triton Alliance Ltd. to purchase the site site. They started digging in 1971. They went down 235 feet to bedrock and lowered cameras into a subterranean cave and claimed to have produced fuzzy images of chests, human remains and tools, but the claims could not be independently confirmed. Alas, the shaft collapsed, and then their partnership did also.

So what does all of this mean? Did the engineers who created the whole system outsmart themselves? If they buried treasure or whatever they buried, how did they plan to retrieve it?
Was it built by aliens, as others have suggested. This was a massive engineering feat. Recent excavators poured red dye into the shaft and observed it flowing into the ocean at 3 different points on the island.

What did they bury that they went to this much trouble? If it was pirate gold, surely they could have dug a 6 foot pit next to a tree, and using a map, found it easily. Some speculate that the Holy Grail is buried there. Someone even suggested that Shakespeare's original works are buried there. The truth is that the so-called experts don't know any more than we do. Perhaps the more plausible explanation is that the English Navy who had looted Havana, Cuba in 1762, could have buried the Spanish gold on Oak Island. Nova Scotia was British; they had engineers to construct such a system, and this may have been a handy place to hide the loot.

The answers are not forthcoming, and unless someone is willing to roll the dice again and throw big bucks into a money pit and somehow dam up the Atlantic Ocean and excavate the whole island, we're not going to know.

TOP HUNDRED OR SO GREATEST POP SONGS

2010-07-06T20:06:00.000-07:00

This is the KENSUSKINREPORT opinion of the 100 or so most popular songs. This list has nothing to do with record sales or popularity with the general public. For many of the artists I've listed, the song I liked was not their most popular or best seller. Also, I've tried not to include too many from any particular artist but rather to incorporate as many artists as possible.

As you can see, I have diverse tastes in popular music ranging from rock to sentimental songs, as well as instrumentals. Some go all the way back to the 1950's. These are the songs that when they come on the radio, I stop what I'm doing to listen. I'm sure you'll enjoy seeing the names of some of these artists who haven't been heard from in many years. The order listed is roughly alphabetical from my I-Tunes library.

1. Take a Chance on Me , Abba
2. You Won't See Me, Anne Murray
3. Could I Have This Dance, Anne Murray
4. My Maria, B.W. Stevenson
5. Be True to Your School, Beach Boys
6. Ticket to Ride, Beatles
7. I've Had It, Bell Notes
8. Lipstick Traces, Benny Spellman
9. Wind Beneath My Wings, Bette Midler
10. White Silver Sands, Bill Black Combo
11. I've Had the Time of My Life, Bill Medley and Jennifer Warnes
12. With You I'm Born Again, Billy Preston & Syreeta
13. Crackin' Up, Bo Diddley
14. Sealed With a Kiss, Brian Hyland
15. Glory Days, Bruce Springsteen
16. Land of 1000 Dances, Cannibal & the Headhunters
17. My Heart Will Go On, Celine Dion
18. Mr. Sandman, Chordettes
19. Just Between You & Me, Chordettes
20. Beautiful, Christina Aguilera
21. Searchin', Coasters
22. Mr. Dyingly Sad, Critters
23. Memories Are Made of This, Dean Martin
24. Houston, Dean Martin
25. Atlantis, Donovan
26. Little Town Flirt, Del Shannon
27. Layla, Derek & the Dominoes Also the slow version of Layla by Eric Clapton.
28. I Wonder Why, Dion & the Belmonts
29. Where or When, Dion & the Belmonts
30. Cannonball, Duane Eddy
31. Hotel California, Eagles
32. Strange Magic, Electric Light Orchestra
33. Rocket Man, Elton John
34. Candle in the Wind, Elton John
35. Someone Saved My Life Tonight, Elton John
36. All Shook Up, Elvis Presley
37. I'll Wait for You, Frankie Avalon
38. Mule Skinner Blues, Fendermen
39. 100 Years, Five for Fighting
40. Never Going Gack Again, Fleetwood Mac
41. Moments to Remember, Four Lads
42. Theme from New York, NY, Frank Sinatra
43. It Was a Very Good Year, Frank Sinatra
44. Friends in Low Places, Garth Brooks
45. Eternal Flame, Bangles
46. New Orleans, U.S. Bonds
47. Taxi, Harry Chapin
48. Magic Man, Heart
49. L.A. Goodbye, Ides of March
50. The Lonely Surfer, Jack Nitzsche
51. Sidewalk Surfin', Jan & Dean
52. She Cried, Jay & the Americans
53. Whole Lotta Shakin', Jerry Lee Lewis
54. Who Will Save Your Soul, Jewel
55. Margaritaville, Jimmy Buffett
56. Fly Me to the Moon Bossa Nova, Joe Harnell
57. Don't Fall in Love with a Dreamer, Kenny Rogers
58. Lola, Kinks
59. Dear One, Larry Finnegan
60. Stairway to Heaven, Led Zepplin
61. God Bless the USA, Lee Greenwood
62. Darlin' Be Home Soon, Lovin' Spoonful
63. Sweet Home Alabama, Lynyrd Skynyrd
64. California Dreamin', Mamas & Papas
65. Walkin' in Memphis, Marc Cohn
66. Quiet Village, Martin Denny
67. El Paso, Marty Robbins
68. Angel of the Morning, Merilee Rush
69. Question, Moody Blues
70. Brooklyn Roads, Neil Diamond
71. Only Love Can Break Your Heart, Neil Young
72. Wedding Song, Noel Paul Stookey
73. Old Cape Cod, Patti Page
74. Like Long Hair, Paul Revere (The B side was I Ain't Sharin' Sharon, an awful song) .
75. Poetry Man, Phoebe Snow
76. Bohemian Rhapsody, Queen
77. Stand, R.E.M.
78. In Crowd, Ramsey Lewis
79. What'd I Say, Ray Charles
80. Susie Darlin' Robin Luke
81. Lady Jane, Rolling Stones
82. Love You So, Ron Holden
83. Jessie, Joshua Kadison
84. Soul Man, Sam & Dave
85. Chevy Van, Sammy Johns
86. Angel, Sarah McLachlan
87. Kiss from a Rose, Seal
88. I Can Never Go Home Anymore, Shangri Las
89. You're Still the One, Shania Twain
90. Solitare, Carpenters
91. The Joker, Steve Miller Band
92. Young Love, Tab Hunter
93. Stand by Your Man, Tammy Wynette
94. Green Green Grass of Home, Tom Jones
95. Tie a Yellow Ribbon, Tony Orlando
96. Love is All Around, Troggs
97. Concrete & Clay, Unit Four Plus Two
98. Hawaii Five-O, Ventures
99. YMCA, Village People
100. Get Together, Youngbloods

If you want to comment, but not try to sell me something, email me at sphinx711@aol.com

KENNETH SUSKIN
7/6/10

BASEBALL'S HALL OF SHAME--THE WORST HITTERS AND PITCHERS

2010-07-05T18:02:00.000-07:00

Most baseball fans are familiar with the star players, but who are the worst players? Keep in mind that a player must be good to even make it to the major leagues. Even the worst players were stars in high school or college. In most cases, they worked their way up through the minor leagues to become among the 600 or so best baseball players in the world. This article highlights those players with major shortcomings in their game who had other skills enabling them to stick around the big leagues for awhile.

WORST HITTERS

The longest hitless streak belongs to former Chicago Cubs pitcher Bob Buhl who went 88 times without a hit over a two year period. But then pitchers aren't supposed to hit well. Although Buhl had the longest streak, another pitcher, Ron Herbel of the San Francisco Giants was actually a worse hitter. At the beginning of his career Herbel went hitless in 55 at-bats, got a hit, and then went hitless another 50 times. So he was 1 for 106 at the start of his career. Herbel's lifetime batting average over an 8 year career was a pathetic .029. These guys were hired for their pitching ability, not their hitting, and they were good pitchers. Buhl won 166 games in his career, and Herbel won 42 while losing 37.

Among position players, the worst hitter by far was Bill Bergen, an outstanding defensive catcher with the Brooklyn Dodgers in the early 20th Century. During the 1909 season, Bergen went hitless in 46 at-bats;, the longest slump among position players. His 1909 batting average was only .139, the lowest in history among full time players. Amazingly, Bergen kept his job for 10 years, compiling a lifetime batting average of .170 with an on-base percentage of .194, the lowest in baseball history. The only modern player to approach that record for futility was Detroit shortstop Ray Oyler who batted a pathetic .135 in 111 games for the 1968 World Champions. Oyler batted 215 times as a utility infielder with only 29 hits. Oyler, a good glove man, parlayed his fielding ability into a major league career lasting 6 years with a lifetime batting average of .175.

Other inept hitters include San Diego third baseman Dave Roberts, the opposing pitcher's best friend, who hit .167 in 1974 in over 300 at-bats. Even worse was fellow San Diego infielder Dwain Anderson who in 1973 batted only .121 in 124 at-bats with no extra base hits. San Diego's Jack Murphy Stadium is considered a pitchers' park, but this is ridiculous! Not surprisingly, the Padres lost 102 games in both seasons, finishing in last place.

Other players, some of them stars, suffered through long hitless streaks. For example, the Hall of Fame shortstop Luis Aparicio went 44 times without a hit in 1971 with Boston near the end of his career. Robin Ventura, a star third baseman with the Chicago White Sox went 41 times without a hit in his rookie season of 1990. Ventura received 10 walks during that streak, so his on-base percentage for that time was over .200. Slugger Jose Canseco went 40 times without a hit in the 1986 season.

Barely over the Mendoza line throughout his career, infielder Lenn Sakata, a Hawaii native, was one of the first players of Japanese ancestry to play in the majors. Ichiro he wasn't, but Sakata played 10 years in the bigs, mostly with Milwaukee and Baltimore, compiling a lifetime batting average of .230 with 25 homers. However, against the Chisox, Sakata couldn't buy a hit. From the start of his career in 1977 until 1983--six years--Sakata went hitless against Chicago pitching for 66 at-bats. On August 11, 1983, he finally singled off southpaw Floyd Bannister who was immediately removed from the game. Over his career, Sakata got 7 hits in 108 at-bats against Chicago for an .069 average. After his playing career, Sakata successfully managed several teams in the California League and holds the record for lifetime wins in that league.

Sakata was the unsung hero in a couple of major league records. He was the starting shortstop for Baltimore when they decided to play Cal Ripken Jr. instead. Ripken didn't miss another game for about 17 years. In another game with the O's on August 24, 1983, Sakata was inserted as the catcher for the only time in his career when the O's ran out of catchers in an extra inning game against Toronto. The pitcher was lefthander Tippy Martinez. The first three Blue Jays reached base and each thought it would be easy to steal second base against an inexperienced catcher. They never got the chance to test Sakata's arm, as Martinez picked each one off first base. In the bottom half of the inning, Sakata hit a home run to win the game.

FEWEST HOMERS IN CAREER--POSITION PLAYER SINCE LIVE BALL ERA

Johnny Cooney started his career as a pitcher, and later became a center fielder and first baseman. Cooney batted 3372 times over a 20 year career beginning in 1921 and hit 2 homers which came in successive games in 1939. He was a good hitter, compiling a lifetime batting average of .286. The fewest career homers for a Hall of Fame position player was longtime Chicago White Sox catcher Ray Schalk with 11.

WORST PITCHER

Allan Travers, a 20 year old college student from St. Joseph's College in Philadelphia was unable to make the school's varsity baseball team, although he was a violinist in the school orchestra. He also played third bass in the band. On May 18, 1912, in a Walter Mitty scenario, Travers was recruited off a street corner to pitch for the Detroit Tigers against the Philadelphia A's when the Tigers team went on a one-day strike to protest the suspension of star player Ty Cobb for attacking a heckling fan. Cobb was unaware that the fan was handicapped--the fan was missing a hand and two fingers on the other hand from an industrial accident. Nearby fans pleaded with Cobb to stop beating a man with no hands. Cobb replied, "I don't care if he has no feet!"

Travers pitched a complete game against the A's who went on that season to win the World Series. He surrendered 26 hits, 24 runs (14 earned), 7 walks and 1 strikeout, and suffered the loss in a 24-2 rout. His catcher was tigers manager Hughie Jennings who advised him to throw slow curves and no fastballs because he was afraid the young man would get killed. Travers was paid $25 for the game. He never pitched again in the majors. He later became a Catholic priest and eventually was promoted to Dean of Men at the Jesuit college.

WORST PITCHER ON WORLD CHAMPIONSHIP TEAM

Dennis Martinez of the 1983 World Champion Baltimore Orioles would qualify. He won 7 and lost 16 with an earned run average of 5.53. Other than that season, Martinez had a distinguished pitching career, winning 245 games, including a perfect game. Won-lost records aren't always a reliable measure of a pitcher's ability. In 1953, Don Larsen won 3 and lost 21 for the St. Louis Browns who couldn't hit at all. After he was traded to the NY Yankees, Larsen became a respectable pitcher , best known for pitching a perfect game in the 1956 World Series. Jose de Leon went 2 and 19 with with a somewhat respectable 4.70 ERA, for the 1985 Pittsburgh Pirates, a team that lost 104 games. DeLeon also became a decent pitcher in later years with Chicago and St. Louis.

MOST STRIKEOUTS BY A BATTER

Arizona Diamondbacks third baseman Mark Reynolds struck out 223 times last season, breaking his own record of 204, set one year earlier. Why do they keep this guy in the lineup? Well, his 44 homers and 102 RBI's is a good reason. This season, he is striking out even more--41% of the time--109 times in his first 75 games. He has 18 homers, but he's batting only .219. I personally find it painful to watch a guy like that--constantly fanning the air and not moving runners along. Reynolds broke the previous record of 199 strikeouts set one year before that--2008--by Phillies' slugger Ryan Howard. Once again, the Phillies can live with the guy because he is perhaps the best power hitter in the league with 58 homers one season. Sammy Sosa used to drive me crazy with his strikeouts, but he hit over 60 homers in three different seasons. The worst hitter in terms of strikeouts was Hall of Fame pitcher Sandy Koufax who struck out approximately 50% of the time during his career. But then he was perhaps the greatest pitcher of his era, holding most of the pitching strike out records. He was a fine athlete who could hurl the ball 100 mph, but at the plate, he just couldn't get wood on the ball.

No article of this type would be complete without mentioning Milwaukee Brewer announcer and former third string catcher Bob Uecker who created a second career describing his ineptness on the ball field. (See KENSUSKINREPORT, April 22, 2007). "Mr. Baseball", a notoriously weak hitter, joked that the high point of his career was receiving an intentional walk from the great pitcher Sandy Koufax. Although he didn't mention it, Uecker had homered off Koufax earlier in the game. In one season, although he warmed the bench for more than half the games, Uecker still led the league's catchers with 27 passed balls and 11 errors, and was a candidate for Least Valuable Player if there were such an award. In fairness to Uecker, he had to catch for knuckleball pitcher Phil Niekro, and none of the other catchers relished catching his difficult serves which were compared to eating jello with a fork. Uecker hit one grand slam homer in his career--off the aforementioned Ron Herbel.

LAS VEGAS IN JUNE--YOU DON'T HAVE TO GAMBLE BUT IT HELPS

2010-06-21T19:59:00.000-07:00

Dianne and I have traveled to Las Vegas at least 40 times since 1987, and each time we do something different. One thing is certain--it's always hot in June. Although we are certainly not high rollers, we have learned how the system works. We were given a free hotel room for 3 nights at the Paris Hotel which features a 1/2 size replica of the Eiffel Tower out in front (about 400 feet high). Our room had a fine view of the Eiffel Tower and also the pool and the huge bright blue and red balloon.

Our meals this trip were extraordinary. Our first dinner was the Victorian Room at Bill's Gamblin' Hall (formerly the Barbary Coast) where I was comped a Chinese dinner of General Tso's chicken and egg drop soup. The meal was one of the best Chinese meals I've ever tasted. The portion was far more than I could eat.

The second night we had a 2 for 1 coupon worth $25 at the Border Grill in the Mandalay Bay Hotel. The restaurant is famous for its owner, Susan Feniger, who won an award on the TV show Top Chef. We ordered the $42 prix fixe dinner which included a sampling of three appetizers--Kobe beef empanada with bean puree; a sweet corn tamale on a corn husk, and an outstanding guacamole. While we were waiting, they served us a plate of warm tortilla chips with 3 different salsa dips. My dinner was chicken enchiladas, bathed in a green pesto sauce. All this gourmet food was wonderful, but, once again, I couldn't finish it all. Important to me, the waiter kept filling my water glass. It's an expensive Mexican meal, but worth it, in my opinion. The only negative was that we ate outside in a shaded area area overlooking the pool. Even at 7 P.M., it's pretty hot in Las Vegas, and Dianne doesn't handle the heat well.

Our last night, we were comped another free dinner at Le Provencal, the French-Italian restaurant at the Paris Hotel where we each ordered the prix fixe $28 dinner which included wine. They started us off with warm French bread which we dipped in olive oil with a dollop of balsamic vinegar. For appetizers, the Tuscan bean soup and the Caesar salad were outstanding. For the main course, I had the salmon scampi (garlic sauce), and Dianne had capellini pomodoro. By that time, dessert was out of the question.

Other than eating, we had some other highlights of the trip for our bucket list.

1) The Gun Store. I've never considered this one before, but fell prey to the advertising signs on the cabs and the billboards. Essentially, at the Gun Store, you can rent a machine gun or almost any other type of weapon and fire them in their range. I had never fired a gun before, but there's always a first time. The Gun Store is a couple of miles East of the Strip on Tropicana Avenue, a major commercial street. Most of the weapons rent for about $25 for 10 shots. Machine guns are more. They also have package plans available, ranging up to $100 or more, including a ladies' plan for about $80. This includes the live ammo. You have a choice of targets on posters. I chose No. 7, which was Osama Bin Laden, the most popular target. You get to take the poster, full of bullet holes, home with you. Several other customers chose the same target. For liability reasons, the armed security guy stands behind you to make sure you don't get cute and point the gun the wrong way.

2) Pinball Hall of Fame. We drove another mile or so down Tropicana Avenue and passed the Pinball Hall of Fame. We visited there last year, but as we drove by, Dianne pointed out that it's now located in a new building. I made a U-turn and doubled back for a visit. Last year it was located in a run-down strip shopping center, but now it moved into a cinder block warehouse type building. We went inside and feasted our eyes on the approximately 200 vintage pinball machines arranged in 5 rows. The newer models go for 75 cents per game. I opted for the classic models from the early 1960's that I played in my college days. These cost a quarter each, although in college, they cost a nickel. A roll of quarters kept us amused for an hour or so.

3) Ethel M Chocolate Factory. We later visited the Ethel M Chocolate Factory in Henderson, NV, a suburb of Las Vegas. The factory wasn't operating that day because they ran out of a critical ingredient. However, you can do a free, self guided tour, so we didn't really miss out. The factory WAS open, and we saw the machinery and received free samples. The factory is owned by Mars Candy Co., and they make M & M's as well as many other popular candies. The gift shop was full of M & M's memorabilia.

4) The Price is Right. They do the TV show at Bally's auditorium and sell the tickets for $37 apiece. However, this is not the actual TV show, but they give away the same prizes. They call out audience members at random to come up and bid, just like on the TV show. The audience on that particular day was about 1000 people, and they call up about 50 for prizes. Dianne was fortunate enough to be called--to bid on a keyboard, which turned out to be worth about $180. You can't really prepare for the show because you don't know the quality of the item. In any event, Dianne overbid on the item and another person won. All Dianne got was a t-shirt. The show, which lasted about an hour and a half was entertaining and fun.

5) Gambling. As for gambling, we had our moments, but suffered minor losses. With the comps, we feel that we came out ahead. Dianne had more luck than I did on video poker. She hit 4 deuces on a deuces-wild video poker machine for 1000 quarters at Sam's Town. I love Sam's Town. It's a popular locals casino with a Wild West theme and good odds on their games. I recovered most of my losses playing craps at Sam's Town, Bally's and Paris. I never met a crap table I didn't like.

We missed out on two things that we'll have to see on our next trip. One was the Neon Museum which is the graveyard for old, historic casino signs. It is an outdoor museum at a secret location, now closed for renovations and won't open until September 1st. The other sight we missed was the Erotic Museum which we drove to on Wednesday, but the sign said it is open only on weekends. So now we have a reason to come back. What happens in Vegas...goes on my blog.

KENNETH SUSKIN
6/21/10

PSYCHICS ARE ENTERTAINING BUT DON'T BET THE FARM ON WHAT THEY TELL YOU

2010-05-20T18:48:00.000-07:00

On many TV documentaries I've watched, Edgar Cayce's name gets bandied about. Cayce (1877-1945) was a well known psychic who is often referred to as the "Modern Day Nostradamus" and the "Sleeping Prophet", because of his alleged accurate predictions of the future. More than 300 books have been written about him. His family set up a foundation called the Association for Research and Enlightenment, located in Virginia Beach, VA. , to carry on research about his predictions and readings. Thousands of people today study his works at Edgar Cayce centers in 35 countries.

Call me a skeptic, but until one of these psychic guys can tell me for certain the Dow Jones Average next week, tomorrow's lottery numbers, or who's going to win the Super Bowl next year, I won't believe in psychics. Actually, at one point in his career, Cayce was hired by businessmen to attempt to predict commodity markets, horse races, and the like, but found that he was no smarter than anyone else. Attempting to do this for profit left Cayce tired and distraught, and he resolved to use his gift only to help the sick and distressed. Thus, except for writing books, psychics' God-given powers don't work for profit making activities.

Promoters of books and documentaries about Nostradamus often cite his predictions of modern day events like World War II and 9/11, but if you read his works, they don't really say that. That's somebody else's interpretation of what he wrote 500 years ago. The wording of his couplets (written in Latin) is so broad as to be almost meaningless. Anybody could write that stuff today about the 25th Century and predict there will be wars, floods, earthquakes, volcanic eruptions, etc., and unfortunately, there probably will be. But since the world is going to end on December 21, 2012 (according to the interpretation of the Mayan calendar), we won't have to worry anyway. If you believe that, you might as well quit your job now and start spending all your money.

Cayce was an interesting character. He was born on a farm in Kentucky and quit school in the 9th grade. At some point, under hypnosis, it was discovered that he could cure people's illnesses and predict the future. While in a trance, he would prescribe esoteric cures for the people who came to him. Some people were cured and declared Cayce a genius, but no scientific analysis was made to determine whether there was a placebo effect or the person was really cured by his home remedy. The ones who weren't cured didn't talk about it. His alleged cures were anecdotal and not scientifically proven. Like most psychics, he used vague statements in his readings like "I feel that..." or "perhaps...", rather than positive declarations of fact.

His assistants included an osteopath and a homeopath which, of course, would be helpful in giving medical advice (Cayce had no medical training), but provide no way to determine whether the cures were discerned by Cayce or his assistants. His proposed cures while in a trance include home remedy poultices like "the raw side of a freshly skinned rabbit, still warm with blood, fur side out, placed on the breast" to cure breast cancer. For breast, thyroid or glandular cancer, he prescribes serum from the blood of rabbits. (Where's Elmer Fudd when you need him?--I'm hunting wabbits!) For tuberculosis, he prescribes "fumes of apple brandy from a charred keg."

When presented with a cancer patient, he prescribed ground up almonds or apricot pits. Essentially, that is the components of Laetrile, a compound which was touted as a cure for cancer but which was proven to be ineffective.

Cayce predicted that the lost continent of Atlantis would be discovered in 1968. In that year, some odd stone formations were discovered on the ocean floor in the Bahamas, but to this day the evidence is inconclusive whether the formations are man made or natural. We know that during the last Ice Age, sea level was several hundred feet lower than it is now because of all that ice locked up in glaciers, and it is certainly possible that early man lived out on the continental shelf. There are even ancient roads in Europe leading into the ocean. However, Atlantis, as described by Plato, hasn't turned up yet.

Cayce also predicted that California would slide into the ocean around the same time. While I enjoyed the Curt Gentry novel, The Last Days of the Late, Great State of California, written in 1968 and although many Easterners were keeping their fingers crossed, it's still there. The theme of the book, foretelling several years in the future, was that California suffered a catastrophic earthquake as divine retribution for electing Ronald Reagan governor. Although Cayce was probably familiar with Ronald Reagan movies, he made no known readings predicting Mr. Reagan's political future.

During his lifetime, Cayce amassed a large body of works, giving several thousand readings while under hypnosis, most of which were duly transcribed by stenographers. These have been published and are available for research.

Cayce's supporters, who are now called "New Agers" assert that his mind was linked into the Akashic Record, a compendium of mystical knowledge encoded in a non-physical plane of existence. It is said to contain all knowledge of human experience and a history of the cosmos. To explain it in our terms, Cayce was plugged into the Internet more than 50 years before it was invented by Al Gore with the help of Tim Berners-Lee.

Another major theme of his work was reincarnation. In his trances, Cayce regresses back to past lives, all the way back to the good ol' days in Atlantis. My opinion is if the Atlanteans were that smart and advanced, they would have built on solid ground--at least not on a flood plain. Moreover, they would have addressed climate change. Cayce, a religious and righteous man, believed in karma, and his readings indicate his belief that human souls are a part of God, and although the body dies, the soul in reincarnated into a new body. He emphatically states that Man did not descend from monkeys. That's a relief! An example of karma would be if a man had been a woman in his previous life or two, he might exhibit gay tendencies in his current life.

Once again, nothing can be proven. In the 1950's, a hypnotist-author named Morey Bernstein performed deep hypnosis on a Colorado housewife named Virginia Tighe (1923-1995) who regressed to a previous life in 19th Century Ireland as a young girl named Bridey Murphy. The book created a sensation world wide, and everyone wanted to know who they were in past lives. Hollywood even made a movie called the Search for Bridey Murphy. With the popularity of the book, an army of investigators went out and found no record of such a person in Ireland although many of her descriptions of the country were accurate. The church Bridey said she attended, St. Theresa's, in fact existed, but wasn't built until 1911, long after her supposed death. Ms. Tighe had never been to Ireland, although her parents were partly of Irish descent. Then it was discovered that a Wisconsin woman named Bridey Murphy Cockrell had lived across the street from her in Pueblo, Colorado when Ms. Tighe was a youngster. While it was an interesting story, all it tells us is that a person in a hypnotic state can remember long forgotten events from childhood and is open to suggestions by the hypnotist.

So while there is much we don't know about ESP, there is much we do know, and that is not to put too much stock in the veracity of the reading. A skilled psychic will make many statements and watch closely how the subject reacts. When the psychic gets a "hit", he or she will expound on that and draw the subject into a conversation. The subject doesn't realize how he had led the psychic into these insights about his life, thinking the psychic came up with these conclusions on his own. It reminds me of the football tout who sells predictions about a game. The client doesn't have to pay unless he wins. The prognosticator will tell half of his clients one team will win and tell the other half the other team will win. Half of his clients will think he is brilliant and recommend him to their friends, and the losing half will walk away and try a different prognosticator. But he makes a nice profit anyway. As Nobel laureate Milton Friedman said, "There's no such thing as a free lunch."

KENNETH SUSKIN

ANCIENT MAN & UNDOCUMENTED ALIENS--ARE WE THE ALIENS?

2010-05-09T18:03:00.000-07:00

With all the recent talk about aliens, the History Channel presented a new 2 hour documentary last week about prehistoric (undocumented) aliens visiting Earth. Things were easier for the aliens in those days before governments started building fences and checking green cards. Hey, pal, you're not from around here, are ya?

Essentially the program cited many
indications that ancient people had contact with the aforementioned aliens. Many of us are uncomfortable with the subject because it calls the major religions of the world into doubt. To primitive humans, visitors from the sky would be viewed as gods. In the Egyptian, Greek, Chinese, Japanese, American Indian, Sumerian and other cultures, their oral and written histories clearly state that their ancestors came from the stars. In Genesis 6.4 of the Old Testament, we have space travelers ("Nephilim" or "Giants") dropping in and mating with humans to create "men of renown". To read these epic histories, our ancestors didn't think it all that unusual to have gods literally dropping in to visit them.

Many of us now believe that modern man did not just "evolve" from primates, but rather was brought to Earth by an advanced civilization. Anthropologists tell us that humans evolved from apes several million years ago, eventually becoming what we know as the Neanderthals. But about 50,000 years ago, Cro-Magnon Man, similar to modern humans appeared in Europe and apparently co-existed with Neanderthals for several thousand years. Just last week, a new study revealed that the two actually had more contact than originally thought. As it turns out, up to 4% of our DNA is that of Neanderthal Man. Cro-Magnon Man emerged between 100,000 and 200,000 years ago in East Africa, but did not evolve from Neanderthals--they were considered a separate and distinct species, although the surprising result of the new study suggests that they were closely related enough to procreate.

We have no fossils to indicate the evolution of Cro-Magnon Man, if in fact it evolved at all. The easy (unscientific) explanation would be that God created Man. But some in the scientific community are poring over the ancient writings of the Sumerians and others and suggesting that modern Man actually came from somewhere else. "God" in that case would actually mean extraterrestrials. The History Channel suggests that modern humans may have been genetically engineered by the ET's. or at least installed the software in our brains. It certainly gets you thinking.

The History Channel program points out similarities between far-flung peoples of the Earth. For example many artifacts show people with elongated craniums. In Egypt, likenesses of the Pharaoh Akhenaten and his wife, the famous and beautiful Queen Nefretiti, show that feature. In fact, the History Channel points out that Akhenaten's mummy was unearthed and it showed an elongated cranium. That was also a feature of pre-Columbian people in South America. In the last century, bones were unearthed in the Andes with elongated craniums. The Dogon tribe of Mali in West Africa to this day binds babies' heads to create this effect. They can't explain why, except that their ancestors from the beginning of time did so. Were these people trying to imitate their "visitors"--or were they the visitors themselves? Tribes on all continents have ancient ritual dances in which the dancers wear what appear to be spacesuits with headgear, similar to what our astronauts wear in space. Ancient artifacts and wall carvings worldwide also illustrate that.

Akhenaten revolutionized Egyptian life down to its core. Before his reign, the Egyptians worshipped many gods. Akhenaten banished them all, and decreed that only one god, Aten, the Sun God, would be worshipped. He greatly changed Egyptian art. Before him, the pharaohs were often depicted in the wall carvings with broad shoulders and slim waists, like bodybuilders. Akhenaten was depicted as he really looked, a short guy with a sunken chest and a potbelly. Some think, because of his odd appearance, that he was actually an alien, or at least under alien influence, receiving a divine revelation that monotheism was the religion of the future. In any event, after Akhenaten's death, the Egyptians reverted back to their old ways.

Although they didn't have telescopes, ancient peoples had a phenomenal knowledge of astronomy. They knew about Uranus and Neptune which Europeans didn't "discover" until relatively recent times. According to the theories of Professor Robert M. Schoch who wrote several books about the ancient Egyptians, the Sphinx and the three Giza pyramids were built thousands of years before conventional historians place them. Carbon dating does not work with granite. Schoch's theory is that their placement reflects astronomical configurations at the end of the Age of Virgo, about 10,900 B.C. He points out that the Sphinx had water erosion, not sand erosion around its base which would indicate that the Sahara was green and rather wet at that time. We know that 10,000 years ago, much of the Sahara was green. And we still haven't addressed the engineering and mathematical complexity of constructing the Great Pyramid. It seems unlikely that pre-Egyptian men of the Stone Age could pass on that kind of knowledge. Schoch's theories were once thought to be crazy, but now they are gradually gaining acceptance among "mainstream" scientists. The great library of Alexandria which might have answered these questions was destroyed in a war in the 7th Century A.D.

The three Giza pyramids near the Sphinx, which I've recently visited, are in the same configuration as Orion's Belt in the summer night sky. From North to South, those are commonly known as the pyramids of Khufu, Khafre and Menkaure. The most important star for the Egyptians was the "dog star" Sirius, the brightest star in the sky. Its position signified major events of the year, like spring planting. The goddess Isis, depicted as a mermaid, is linked with the star Sirius.

The West African Dogons, who are believed to be descendants of the ancient Egyptians, have an ancient tradition that gods, resembling mermen and mermaids, called Nommo, came from the Sirius star system 5,000 years ago in 3-legged space ships. This whole thing sounds fishy, and you can believe what you want, but their ancient carvings are amazingly accurate models of that star system, which wasn't discovered until the 20th century. Their oral history, told to French anthropologists in the 1930's, describe Sirius B as a small, heavy star. Sirius B, first photographed in 1970, is the companion star to Sirius. It is a white dwarf star, about the size of the Earth but so dense that it weighs as much as the Sun. The great density of this star wasn't discovered until recently. The two stars rotate around each other in a spiral pattern similar to DNA in a 50 year cycle which the Dogons were aware of. This is not visible to the naked eye, and not even to most telescopes. The Dogons also describe a Sirius C, but because of its small size, we moderns haven't discovered it yet. Take it from the Dogons--it's probably there! On the other hand, the Dogons celebrate this cycle every 60 years. Go figure!

Speaking about the Nommo, these same guys appear in Babylonian, Akkadian and Sumerian mythology. Are their mythology stories independent of each other? More study is needed.

Don't even get me started on the Sumerians. They left us much written history which we're in the process of deciphering. If we can believe the few archaeologists who speak and read Sumerian, author Zecharia Sitchin, prominent among them, these ancient people were descended from the Anunnaki, a people who came to Earth from a large planet called Nibiru about 450,000 years ago to mine gold, needed for their planet's atmosphere. The writings indicate that Nibiru apparently swings between our solar system and that of Sirius on a 3,600 year cycle. Sirius is 8 light years away. As you can imagine, there are lots of holes in his theories, and many scientists think he's a crackpot, drawing his conclusions from a mis-translation of the language. For example, Nibiru would have to travel at a speed over 400 miles per second, far faster than the Earth or solar system travels through space. But we shouldn't entirely dismiss the Sumerians' accounts, which tell much about their culture. Other than reading their prolific accounts describing various kings who reigned for thousands of years at a time, anthropologists and archaeologists have no independent evidence where this advanced civilization came from.

If they came out of the Stone Age, they certainly did so at astonishing speed. Some of this stuff is pretty extreme, but if these folks evolved from cavemen, or whatever, you would think that their civilization and language would evolve slowly also, and be very simple in ancient times. But early languages were quite complicated and early civilizations were very advanced, especially in astronomy, engineering and mathematics.

The History Channel production discusses our DNA, of which 98% is essentially "junk" DNA which does not appear to have any effect on our appearance or traits, and may be left over from evolution. We still have much to learn about that, but until we can find a real alien and analyze his DNA, we can't prove we're related.

In conclusion, I think the Search for Extraterrestrial Intelligence (SETI) program is a waste of time and money. Incidentally, the government does not fund it. There are many indications that they've already been here, seeded the planet, and moved on to another. But they check up on us regularly, occasionally crash landing (see Roswell). The U.S. government may or may not be keeping them in Area 51, and if they are, would would be the point of funding SETI? And the ones far away are probably not impressed with the re-runs of I Love Lucy that we're beaming to them, so they probably won't answer anyway. Physicist Stephen Hawking has warned us recently that we should be careful because some extraterrestrials may be hostile. We may or may not be descended from them. The answer is still out there!

EYJAFJALLAJOKULL--THE SOLUTION TO GLOBAL WARMING

2010-04-19T21:03:00.000-07:00

If you had a flight planned to or from Europe in the past few days, chances are you've heard about the volcanic eruption in Iceland. Mt. Eyjafjallajokull, a/k/a #@$%&*!@, which hadn't erupted since 1823 suddenly woke up. Potentially a bigger problem in the near future is Mt. Katla, 15 miles away, which, historically, has erupted shortly after every time Eyjafjallajokull has erupted because they both draw from the same pool of magma. The 1823 eruption wasn't a big issue for air travel except for the occasional balloon or two. Delayed or cancelled flights because of natural events like hurricanes, snowstorms, and the like are not unusual. But those normally go away in a day or so.

Volcanic eruptions are different--they can last for months or even years. The airborne ash clogs up the aircraft's jet engines, shutting them off. What's worse is that the ash is invisible to the pilots until it's too late. Recent years have seen several instances of airplanes flying through volcanic ash and diving thousands of feet until the pilots could get the engines re-started. Fortunately none have crashed. Interestingly, propeller planes can fly through the ash without harm. Currently in Europe there is a huge rush by corporate executives to rent small prop planes to get back to work.

The fallout from the eruption, other than the obvious (corrosive ash falling from the sky causing acid rain) is the economic impact. Airlines are losing $200 million per day while this is going on. Import and export goods are sitting on the tarmac, unable to get to market. President Obama couldn't physically get to Poland to attend the state funeral of the Polish president and other government officials. In his place, he sent the U.S. ambassador, but he didn't have to fly; he was already there.

Ironically, the eruption hasn't had that much effect in Iceland itself which is fortunate because the country is nearly bankrupt. The volcano is situated at the south end of the country, and the prevailing winds blow the ash away from Iceland. In the immediate vicinity, farmers are taking steps to protect their animal herds from ingesting the ash. The ash contains fluorides which bind to calcium in the animals' bloodstreams which causes bones to become brittle and teeth to fall out. North of the volcano, flash floods have occurred because glacial ice has melted.

Aside from air travel and commerce, the sticky part is the climatic effects of a major eruption. The eruption releases sulfates into the atmosphere which reflect sunlight back into space. You may recall Mt. Pinatubo in the Philippines erupted in 1991, which caused the world temperature to drop more than 1/2 degree Celsius in 1992and 1993. That may not sound like much, but it caused an extremely cool summer in much of the U.S., not to mention a severe winter. Incidentally, during the last Ice Age, the world temperature was 5 degrees Celsius colder than it is now. At least in 1991, the Northern tier of the U.S. didn't have snow like it did in 1816 (courtesy of Mt. Tambora in Indonesia). See KENSUSKINREPORT, 8/26/07. With a short growing season, we'd be looking at crop failures throughout the world.

In my 2007 article entitled 1816--THE YEAR WITHOUT A SUMMER:

In Europe, the weather was just as bad. The authors Percy Bysshe Shelley and his wife Mary, along with John William Polidori went on vacation to Lord Byron's house on the banks of Lake Geneva in Switzerland. The weather was cold and rainy, and the trio could not enjoy their holiday. So they decided to have a contest to see who could write the scariest story. Although she didn't live long enough to cash in on the movie rights, Mary Shelley won the contest with her work, now called Frankenstein. Polidori wrote the novel, The Vampire, which was the inspiration for Bram Stoker's later novel Dracula.

Although my spell check is going crazy, Eyjafjallajokull is fast becoming a household word, even if we don't know how to pronounce it. Under the new rules for Scrabble which now allow proper names, you can impress your partner with the name of the volcano, until you run out of J's. But we'd better hope it stops before we get to that point.

KENNETH SUSKIN
4/19/10

BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY: THE HIDDEN MEANING, ONLY AVAILABLE IN FARSI

2010-04-03T22:30:00.000-07:00

Is this the real life?
Is this just fantasy?
Caught in a landslide
No escape from reality
Open your eyes
Look up to the skies and see
I'm just a poor boy (poor boy)
I need no sympathy
Because I'm easy come, easy go
Little high, little low
Any way the wind blows
Doesn't really matter to me, to me

Mama just killed a man
Put a gun against his head
Pulled my trigger, now he's dead
Mama, life has just begun
But now I've gone and thrown it all away
Mama, ooh
Didn't mean to make you cry
If I'm not back again this time tomorrow
Carry on, carry on as if nothing really matters

Too late, my time has come
Sends shivers down my spine
Body's aching all the time
Goodbye, everybody
I've got to go
Gotta leave you all behind and face the truth
Mama, oooooh (Anyway the wind blows)
I don't want to die
Sometimes I wish I'd never been born at all

[guitar solo]

I see a little silhouette of a man
Scaramouche, Scaramouche, will you do the Fandango
Thunderbolt and lightning, very very frightening me
(Galileo) Galileo (Galileo) Galileo, Galileo Figaro
Magnifico-o-o-o-o

I'm just a poor boy, nobody loves me
He's just a poor boy from a poor family
Spare him his life from this monstrosity

Easy come, easy go, will you let me go?
Bismillah! No we will not let you go.
Let him go
Bismillah! We will not let you go.
Let him go.
Bismillah! We will not let you go.
Let me go (will not let you go)
Let me go (will not let you go) (Never, never, never, never)
Let me go, o-o-o-o
No, no, no, no, no, no, no
(Oh mama mia, mama mia) Mama Mia let me go
Beelzebub has the devil put aside for me, for me, for me!

So you think you can stone me and spit in my eye
So you think you can love me and leave me to die
Oh baby, can't do this to me baby
Just gotta get out, just gotta get right outta here

[guitar solo]
(Oooh yeah, Oooh yeah)

Nothing really matters
Anyone can see
Nothing really matters
Nothing really matters to me

Any way the wind blows

I've been listening to this enigmatic song for the last 30 years or so, and it never made any sense to me. But then, I enjoy music all the time without paying attention to the words. Thanks to Wikipedia, I've acquired some new insight into this song although I don't know much more than I did to begin with. In any event, the beautiful melody and harmonies have made this song into one of the most popular in musical history.

Bohemian Rhapsody was written in 1975 by Freddie Mercury, lead singer of Queen, probably after he had too much to smoke or drink. He chose the name Queen despite the reservations of guitarist Brian May and drummer Roger Taylor (because of the gay connotations). Mercury, whose real name was Farrokh Bulsara, was born in Zanzibar, Tanzania to a Zoroastrian Indian family and spent much of his early life in Mumbai, India. He obviously had considerable musical talent from an early age, and much of his influence came from Bollywood, the Indian movie industry. He was the first major performer (in the West) of Asian ancestry. He was gay, and that influence is said to manifest itself in the lyrics of the song. "Too late, my time has come/Sends shivers down my spine/Body's aching all the time" is said to signify sexual guilt and desire.

Bohemian Rhapsody was a hard sell to music executives who panned it. "At 5 minutes and 55 seconds, it is too long and will never sell." they declared. Mercury's band believed in the song and bypassed the corporate suits by playing the song for British disc jockey Kenny Everett. In a classic marketing scheme, they gave him a copy if he would promise to not play it in its entirety on the air. He proceeded to play parts of the song, but the audience response was so great that he ultimately played the full song 14 times over a weekend.

The next Monday, fans stormed the record stores (they still had records in those days!) only to find that the record had not been released yet. Meanwhile Paul Drew, who ran the RKO stations in the U.S. heard the song on Everett's show in London and finagled a copy of the tape to play it in the States. The response in the U.S. was similar. So we basically had the hottest song on both sides of the Atlantic, and the record had not been released.

The embarrassed music executives finally released the single with something called "I'm in Love with My Car" on the flip side. It sold like hotcakes and reached number one in both Britain and the U.S.

Of course everyone liked the melody, but music scholars with differing opinions speculated on the meaning of the song. According to Sheila Whiteley, "the title draws strongly on contemporary rock ideology, the individualism of the bohemian artists' world, with rhapsody affirming the romantic ideals of art rock." Judith Peraino said that "Mercury intended...[this song] to be a 'mock opera', something outside the norm of rock songs, and it does follow a certain operatic logic: choruses of multi-tracked voices alternate with aria like solos, the emotions are excessive, the plot confusing." Plot confusing? You can say that again!

The critics' opinions remind me of the scene in the film Back to School, starring Rodney Dangerfield. Dangerfield's character is a retired entrepreneur, accustomed to delegating duties, who decides to attend college with his son. His English professor, played by Sally Kellerman, assigns an essay about the meaning of Kurt Vonnegut's works. Dangerfield's character hires Vonnegut himself to write the essay. The professor gives him a failing grade on the essay, essentially saying that he did not grasp the meaning of Vonnegut's work. Dangerfield angrily summons the author and refuses to pay him for the essay. In the ensuing argument they exchange f-bombs as Vonnegut stalks off.

Whatever the historians and critics say about it, we don't have Mr. Mercury around to resolve all the arguments. During his lifetime, Mercury refused to explain the meaning, other than it was about relationships. Mercury died of AIDS in 1991, and to this day, the band will not disclose the song's secret. In Mercury's own words, "It's one of those songs which has such a fantasy feel about it. I think people should just listen to it, think about it, and then make up their own minds as to what it says to them. Bohemian Rhapsody didn't just come out of thin air. I did a bit of research although it was tongue-in-cheek and mock opera. Why not?"

An analysis of the song shows 6 clearly identifiable sections. The first 48 seconds is the Intro which features an a capella introduction in B flat. Is this the real life? Is this just fantasy? Caught in a landslide, no escape from reality. Fifteen seconds into it, the grand piano solo is introduced and Mercury's voice alternates with the other vocals. He introduces himself as "just a poor boy", but "needs no sympathy" because he is "easy come, easy go", which, according to Ms. Whiteley, highlights the dream-like atmosphere.

The following section (0:48-2:35) is the ballad in which Mercury confesses to his mother that he "just killed a man", with "a gun against his head", and basically, life isn't worth living. Judith Peraino's work delves into the phallic nature of guns and suggests that the song is a "melodrama of homoeroticism". Now I'm not a psychiatrist, but I suppose that, depending on your point of view, you can project that on any song.

We move on to the guitar solo (2:36-3:03) which, as the intensity builds up, leads into the opera section. The crescendo stops abruptly at 3:03, as Mercury segues into the "queer world of Italian opera", as described by Peraino.

The opera section (3:03-4:07) is unique in popular music, and the widely accepted interpretation of this nonsense is the depiction of the narrator's descent into hell. Mercury references Scaramouche, the Fandango, Galileo, Figaro and Bismillah, the Arabic word for God. Maybe the best explanation for the song was written in Farsi. When the band released a Greatest Hits album in Iran, they wrote a leaflet to explain the song, "about a young man who has accidentally killed someone and, like Faust, sold his soul to the devil. On the night before his execution, he calls for God in Arabic, "bismillah", and with the help of angels, regains his soul from Satan" Let me go! (feminine voices), We will not let you go! (masculine voices)....Beelzebub has a devil put aside for me! As you can see, this is getting complicated.

For most of us who have no clue, Scaramouche is a roguish clown character which was invented by 17th Century Italian actor Tiberio Fiorelli. It is an iconic character in Punch & Judy puppet shows. The word means "skirmish" in Italian. It was also the name of a 1952 movie starring Stewart Granger. Bismillah is an Arabic acronym for an Islamic phrase which essentially means, "In the name of God, Most Gracious, Most Merciful". It is the first phrase in the preambles of the constitutions of many Islamic countries.

Now that is settled, we move on to the hard rock portion (4:07-4:55) in which Mercury blames his predicament on an unidentified "you". So you think you can stone me and spit in my eye/So you think you can love me and leave me to die... Whiteley believes this stems from Mercury's leaving the security of his erstwhile girl friend Mary Austin for the insecurity of living a gay lifestyle. Mercury and Austin remained friends, however.

The final portion, the Outro (4:55-5:55) returns to the tempo and form of the Introduction. As Whiteley describes it, "Mercury's line, 'Nothing really matters...' appears again, "cradled by light piano arpeggios suggesting both resignation (minor tonalities) and a new sense of freedom in the wide vocal span."
Peraino's take about the final section is that it adds "a level of complex resistance to the song's already charming subversion of macho rock and roll." This is achieved through the "bohemian stance toward identity, which involves a necessarily changeable self-definition" (Any way the wind blows). That final line is followed by the quiet sound of a large tam-tam that finally expels the tension built up throughout the song.

I must commend Ms. Whiteley and Ms. Peraino for devoting much time to analyzing the song, but the criticism lacks Mr. Mercury's input as to what was happening in his own mind. This falls within the realm of forensic psychiatry which is more commonly utilized in detective work to probe the criminal mind. To paraphrase the line in the song "Nothing really matters"--in the broad scheme of things, the analysis of the song won't solve anything anyway. the lesson here is: don't try to analyze it, just enjoy the music.

KENNETH SUSKIN

THE SUSKINS VISIT THE STEAMY JUNGLES OF HAITI, AND CENTRAL AMERICA AND KEN BECOMES GEORGE OF THE JUNGLE

2010-03-23T18:49:00.000-07:00

It was a cold, snowy winter in Chicago, and we were longing for warmer weather. We left Chicago on March 4th, the warmest day of the year to that point (45F), and flew to Miami where people was complaining about the 60 degree cold. That day, the cruise line, Royal Caribbean sent us an email warning us about the hundreds of people on the cruise before ours who had fallen ill from a stomach virus. Our March 5th cruise would be delayed several hours to allow a cleaning crew to scrub down the entire ship.

ABOARD THE SHIP

The ship, the Jewel of the Seas, is huge, accommodating about 4,000 people including crew members. So we're not talking about bringing in a few cleaning ladies or a maid service. Once we got on the ship we found disinfectant spritzers all over the ship with signs directing us to clean our hands at every turn. The captain issued a notice that he would not shake hands with anyone. A fist bump will work just as well.

We embarked from Miami and had a wonderful 10 day cruise. We've learned from past experiences that we have to make our own fun. For example, we went to dinner on the first evening and were placed at a table for 8 with all our friends--actually nobody was assigned to sit with us. We get no respect. So we set out to assemble our own group.

Well, the night before the cruise, in our hotel, as we were sitting at the bar, an English couple from Manchester sat down near us. We started talking to them. We had some time on our hands and learned everything about them. Angela and Paul operate an entertainment business catering to parties and corporate events, providing things like chocolate fountains and giant inflatable castles and slides. On the ship, they were also seated by themselves and expressed a desire to sit with us for the rest of the cruise. Angela is a gorgeous blonde with a friendly, warm and outgoing personality. Paul is just a great guy--the type you'd want as your best friend.

The next morning, we sat in the hotel lobby next to an older couple, Dave and Carol from Phoenix. Dave is a rare breed, a nuclear physicist with a sense of humor. If World War III breaks out, I want Dave on my side. Dave has a gift for imitating voices and accents, and kept us amused for the entire cruise. For their first dinner on the ship, they were seated with a Norwegian couple and two Swedish couples who did not speak English. They begged for mercy and wound up at our reconstituted table.

Our new tablemates included Ernie and Fran from Long Island. Ernie, a retired union official, is the President of the local community college. Ernie and Dave discovered that are both Italian (they talk with their hands) and became fast friends, swapping stories and jokes. They signed up together for a boat ride through the entire Panama Canal. Also seated at our table were two witty and intelligent sisters, Christine, an insurance adjuster and Cathy, a retired teacher, both from Harrisburg, Pennsylvania. We had a terrific time with our table mates who became our family for the cruise.

The itinerary of the cruise was Labadee, Haiti; Cartagena, Colombia; Colon, Panama; Puerto Limon, Costa Rica; and Key West Florida, which substituted at the last moment for Grand Cayman.

LABADEE, HAITI

Prior to the cruise, there was some concern about whether the ship would actually go to Haiti. The honchos at Royal Caribbean ultimately decided that the 2000 or so passengers landing there would be beneficial to the Haitian economy. We didn't get to view the devastation of Port au Prince. Labadee is 3 hours away on the North coast, about 30 miles from Cap Haitien, the second largest city in the country. We didn't go there, either.

The cruise line leases a private resort on a small peninsula which they've spent $55 million to develop boat docks, water slides, beaches and other facilities. This area is separated from the rest of Haiti by mountains. The cruise line served us a buffet lunch in tents onshore with barbecued chicken and pork ribs. The cruise line donates a portion of all tourist income to Haitian relief efforts.

Just outside is a native village with a straw market of numerous small stands selling native handicrafts as well as t-shirts, hats and beachware. The shop owners are very aggressive at promoting their merchandise. Shopping is an adventure there. This is not the American way of looking at the price tag and paying that price. I suppose some people do, but realistically, the shopkeepers will quote a price and you schlock them down from there. There's not a lot of give on manufactured items like t-shirts. They might start at $12 and go down to $8 but no more.

We took a boat ride along the coast. Haitian fishermen eked out a living in the small wooden boats with makeshift sails, as they fished for their next meal. These folks are virtually self-sufficient and can essentially live without money. Those who do make money can survive on perhaps a dollar a day.

CARTAGENA, COLOMBIA

Several years ago, we were scheduled to visit Cartagena, but it was deemed too dangerous. Colombia has settled down somewhat since then. We toured this modern port city of 1 million, the major port in the country. Colombia was settled in the 16th Century by the Spaniards who built plantations and imported 10,000 slaves each year from Africa to work them. Cartagena itself was founded in 1533 by Spanish nobleman Don Pedro de Heredia whose statue is on the main square. Heredia, who killed 3 men in Spain before coming to the New World, was notable for his extraordinary cruelty to slaves, Indians and non-believers. Under Heredia, Cartagena became the main slave trading center of the Americas. He continued to be controversial--he was arrested several times by Spanish authorities for various malfeasance and lining his own pockets. He eventually died in s shipwreck when he was being transported to prison in Spain.

In the following century, San Pedro Claver (1580-1654), a Jesuit priest emerged as the moral force of the country by his actions on behalf of the slaves. Claver declared himself, "a slave of the slaves". He would venture into the infested holds of the slave ships and give food and medicine to the miserable passengers. He visited the country plantations, declining the owners' hospitality, lodging instead in the slave quarters.

At that time, in Colombia, if a slave was unable to work by virtue of age or disability, he was usually killed by the Spaniards. Claver went to the authorities and offered to purchase and take care of those slaves. As a man of his time, he did not go so far as to advocate the abolition of slavery, and he in fact owned several whom he used as interpreters of the African languages. He treated them well. He was canonized because he baptized 300,000 African souls. We were privileged to visit Claver's beautiful house which contained many artifacts of the period.

The riches in gold and emeralds in the interior of the country flowed through Cartagena to be shipped to Spain. That fact made the city attractive to plunderers and pirates, and the city was besieged 5 times in the 16th Century. The most famous of those was the Englishman, Sir Francis Drake, who accepted a 10 million peso ransom to not burn the city. Spain fortified the city with several forts. The largest was the commanding presence of San Felipe de Barajas, built in 1657 on the
highest ground in the city. Although it was destroyed by the French in 1697, it was rebuilt as it stands today.

We also toured the museum of the Spanish Inquisition which was in force in the New World as well as the Old. This gruesome museum featured many unusual devices which were used to kill or torture heretics. And we're concerned about waterboarding!

Cartagena is famous for its green emeralds from the nearby mines. Our tour took us to the downtown area where several jewelry stores competed to sell emeralds, both loose and in settings. You can buy a large rough emerald for about $20, but you'd have to bring it home and have it cut. The advantage in buying rough stones is that you can bring them into the U.S. without paying a tariff. Street vendors operated stands in front of the jewelry stores, selling t-shirts, soccer shirts, and other souvenirs. For relief from the hot and muggy weather one can stop for a cool Aquila Beer, served all over town.

PANAMA

The next day we sailed to Colon, Panama, on the Western (Caribbean) side of the country. Panama is shaped in such a way that the sun rises over the Pacific Ocean and sets over the Atlantic. Thus, the Atlantic is in the West, and the Pacific is in the East, the opposite of what most Americans would expect.

Colon was founded relatively recently, in the 1800's when the railroad was built to accommodate the rush of people attempting to travel to California for the Gold Rush. The railroad is very busy today, shipping containers across the isthmus to ships on the opposite side. The Panama Canal is not wide enough for many huge container ships although a new, wider canal is now under construction nearby with a projected completion date in 2014.

Our cruise ship did not enter the Canal, but we're been through the canal on a previous cruise. The toll for a large ship like ours traversing the Canal can exceed $300,000. It was not clear whether they use something akin to an I-Pass or whether credit cards are accepted.

We visited the Gatun Locks on the Caribbean side and watched as two large ships passed each other. The ships are so large that they have literally two or three inches of clearance on each side. Going through the Canal is a tedious experience--like threading a needle. The ship must stop in the locks while the gates open or close and the water moves from one chamber to the other. On each side locomotives called "mules" pull the ship through, keeping it on the straight and narrow. It takes 8 hours for the ship to sail the 50 or so miles from one end of the Canal to the other. Essentially, the locks raise the Canal about 85 feet in the middle and lower it again at the other end. Being from Chicago, I've sailed through the Chicago River locks into Lake Michigan many times. The Panama Canal works the same way, but on a larger scale.

The U.S. built the Canal in 1914 and operated it until December 31, 1999 (get out before Y2K!), when they turned it over to the Panamanians, by the terms of the 1977 Torrijos-Carter Treaties. Carter's gift to the Panamanians came with a requirement that canal workers be paid wages similar to union scale in the U.S. (i.e. subject to minimum and prevailing wage provisions established by the U.S. Department of Labor). The effect is that in an impoverished country, the 10,000+ canal workers constitute an elite class of workers earning several times more than non-canal workers. My Chicago experience would indicate that to get such a job would entail considerable political clout. In any event, the Canal is operated under contract by Hutchison Whampoa, Ltd, based in Hong Kong, with close ties to the Chinese government, a fact that alarms many U.S. defense experts.

We drove through the former Canal Zone where many of the U.S. built buildings have been converted to apartments and condominiums. We stopped at the Melia Hotel, a luxury hotel where many dignitaries stay. It has a beautiful lobby and pool, and even s small casino. The ubiquitous Balboa Beer signs were in the bar and all over the country. Several of us had a brew in the hotel bar.

We went on a pontoon boat through Gatun Lake on the edge of the rainforest (formerly, the jungle), to watch the monkeys in their natural habitat. Gatun Lake is a manmade lake created by a dam when the Canal was built. Much of the lowlands were flooded, but the wildlife fled to the high country which became islands and the banks of the lake. Cruising along we were able to observe howler monkeys traveling from treetop to treetop munching on fresh leaves. Some locals were fishing for their dinners on the lake. It was a very peaceful scene. Panama gets a lot of rain, but fortunately for us, March is the dry season.

LIMON, COSTA RICA--KEN & DIANNE SWING THROUGH THE JUNGLE

On arrival in Costa Rica, we signed on to zipline through the jungle. Costa Rica, a democratic country, does much to promote eco-tourism. Much is the country is rainforest (jungle). The authorities have constructed cables, aerial trams and train tours through the jungle. They drove us and two other couples in a van for an hour deep into the National Park. Playing over and over in my mind was the old song, Stranded in the Jungle, by the Cadets.

Before our trip, I had never heard of ziplining. Now I know. When ziplining, you're sitting in a flimsy harness, wearing a helmet, legs dangling, attached to two pulleys on a cable which stretches for as much as 300 feet through the treetops. You jump off a small wooden platform on a mahogany tree and careen through the trees to the next platform. If you chicken out, they won't send a rescue party to get you; you're 150 feet above the ground. Failure is not an option. George of the Jungle would have been proud. You're going about 40 miles per hour, so you probably want to steer clear of the trees--I brushed several small branches.

The only physical requirement was that you had to weigh less than 265 pounds, so we qualified. By the second jump, I gave my best Tarzan yell. Dianne told me to shut up; I was scaring away the animals. I got a picture of Dianne in action, but she wouldn't take mine because she was busy hugging the tree from the platform. On one 300 foot jump, I braked and didn't quite get to the next platform. The instructor couldn't reach me. So there I was, 150 feet above the jungle floor, upside down, about 15 feet short of the platform. The proper procedure I was required to do was turn around backwards and pull myself hand over hand, a foot at a time up to the platform. I have a bad left shoulder (rotator cuff), and that was very painful, but once again, in that situation, failure was not an option.

After 9 jumps, we got back to the main camp and relief. Fortunately we didn't see any poisonous snakes or jaguars, but the ants were huge--at least an inch long. We didn't want to disturb them. An hour later we were back in Puerto Limon, past the McDonalds and the Imperial Beer signs to the ship for our next adventure.

KEY WEST

We encountered some rough seas in the Cayman Islands, and the ship was unable to dock at Grand Cayman. Instead the decision was made to sail on to Key West, Florida. Dianne and I were happy with that because Key West is one of our favorite cities. I couldn't wait for a coconut milk shake which is served at the several key lime factories in town. Key West is the Southernmost point in the continental United States, 90 miles from Cuba. Cuba might as well be on another planet however, because you can't go there.

Key West is known as a party town, exemplified by Jimmy Buffett music. We stopped at Margaritaville for a cheeseburger in paradise. I'm not really a Buffett fan (except for maybe financier Warren Buffett), but that cheeseburger was the best I've ever tasted.

Key West was the home of author Ernest Hemingway who was known to enjoy a drink or two at his favorite saloons like Hog's Breath or Sloppy Joes, both still popular attractions. It was also the vacation home of former president Harry Truman whom I've always admired because he was a regular guy who was thrust into the presidency and made common sense decisions which history proved to be right.

PROGRESSIVE TRIVIA

Onboard the ship, the Cruise Director runs a progressive trivia contest. We always like to enter those to liven up the day. We gathered a team of six people--Phyllis and Jerry from Carlisle, PA, and two ladies from Toronto, Marian and Orshi. Marian immigrated from India and Orshi immigrated from Hungary. The team worked well because we all had different areas of expertise.

In each session, they asked 20 questions and at the end of the session we could risk our entire score or some portion thereof on one final question in an effort to increase the score. The first day we were close to the lead and risked our entire score on a movie question. I'm not an expert on that but another team member was.
It was Academy Awards night and the question was "how many Oscars were the most won by any movie in any year?" We guessed 13, but the correct answer, as we learned two days later, was 11 (Titanic, Ben Hur, and Lord of the Rings).

So we started over the next time. The bonus question the next time was, "What was the most visited residence in the U.S. in 2009?" Some people thought it was the White House, others thought it was Neverland, Michael Jackson's house. We correctly answered Graceland, and found ourselves far ahead of everyone else by the last day.

One question asked was "Which city was the first to install a traffic light (around 1920)?" I said "Cleveland", and Dianne angrily said, "Stop trying to be funny!" Actually it was Cleveland suburb, Euclid, Ohio, but Cleveland was accepted as the correct answer.

Another question, "Who did the NY Yankees trade for Babe Ruth?" That was a trick question because the Yankees paid Red Sox owner Harry Frazee cash (but no players) allegedly so he could produce a Broadway play.

On the last day of the contest, the bonus question was, "What city has the oldest underground subway?" We correctly answered "London" and were declared the winners. The Cruise Director brought out a bottle of Korbel champagne with 6 glasses along with the expected caps and keychains.

KENNETH SUSKIN